family therapy - opinion poll

[justme73]

I would like to know what everyone thinks...

my ex an i currently have joint physical and legal custody (50/50 rotation). he is a very controlling person and has been very difficult to deal with, so even 2-3 years ago, i begged him for us to attend parental counselling, to help us communicate better, etc..
in november 2003, because nothing was working and he habitually violated our civil order, i filed for contempt.
in retaliation, because i have a ton of evidence that will win my contempt case on every count (total of 8 violations with many occurrances of each violation), he filed for full custody... for me to have only every other weekend.
and after that his wife has been pushing us to go to parental counselling, as if i am being unreasonable.
I do not feel that counselling will work right now. I was forced to counter-file for custody. i really had no choice. i just don't see that during the current custody battle that cooperation and communication therapy will be effective. how can we attempt to cooperate when he has made many false allegations to get custody. I most certainly believe when we have gained some resolution with all of this, we should seek therapy together, in fact i would prefer it court ordered.
am i being unreasonable to suggest that there was a time for that therapy... and i requested it at that time (he denied) and there will be a time for it in the future, but that time is not now? I don't feel that we will be fully open to cooperation and communication for fear of motives and even things we say being on record, etc...
i'm going on and on about this, but the new wife is making it sound as if they are begging for us to participate and that we are causing a detriment to the children by not cooperating RIGHT NOW.

[T0052SC]

I am unsure of the state that your case is through but with my experience co-parenting was a big factor in the judges eyes.  This is what helped me win my custody battle.  I had substantial evidence of times when the kids mother would write me letters telling me that she would never work together for the kids it was her way or no way.  There were court dates where she never contacted me about holiday time but instead just took it to court.  When the judge asked her if she ever tried to communicate her requests to me the ex said no and the judge became very mad.  All this added up to that the mother was not able to put our differences aside for the kids best interest which back fired on the mother.  The mothers plan was to try to show the court that she was such a good parent that she or the kids didn't need me in their lives, whick in the state my custody went through was the wrong angle to take.

What I can suggest;
Keep trying to communicate concerns or problems with the kids even if the other party doesn't want to listen.

You may need to start a journal that is pasted back and forth with the kids so you can communicate in writing if verbal is to dramatic.

I wouldn't do co-parenting couseling in the middle of a custody fight because the other party may use this to find out what you have for evidence (do not show them your playing card).

I would have put in the final order that both parties are to attend co-parenting couseling with a qualified couselor in that field.  I had that put into mine.  For one it will help in some way with the unbringing of the kids if nothing else it will help you increase the relationship with the kids because they are individuals and at some point they will see what is going on.  The kids will see the effort you put into their life and respect that.  Second the judge will respect that you are only trying to do what is in the best interest of the kids and not suclude them for the other parent.

You also need to document that you are trying to communicate and co-parent with the other party so when you go to court you can prove that you have tried but the other party is unable to.  This is where I like the kids journal because you can submit this a evidence that show you input and co-parenting, but also their lack of co-parenting.  This will be important with the new wife trying to make it look like they are begging you.  Also a good attorney will be able to defude the new wifes testomony of begging you so make sure your attoreny has a plan there.

[Troubledmom]

My suggestion, for what it is worth...

First I think that you are correct counseling during custody proceedings generally are not productive.

Now having said that, in order to show that you are willing to look at co-parenting skills, look in your area for co-parenting or parenting through divorce programs. These are group settings with other parents in the same situation with a facilitator to guide the discussions. Recommend one of those programs instead. It will show that you are willing to participate in learning new co-parenting skills in the proper setting.

In my county, co-parenting classes are almost always rubber stamped by the Judge. Counseling on the other hand you have to really show a need for it.

Hope this helps.

TM

[justme73]

thank you for your replies.
i actually do have many copies of the emails where i requested that he join me in a co-parenting workshop. I have hundreds of emails that I send with detailed information about what goes on with the kids when they are with me, including but not limited to doctors appointments, progress reports, etc... so the emails should act as your suggestion for the journal.
just sometimes.... it is very difficult to remain focused on the children. he is very manipulative and hurtful... so when i really want to say 'no, they cannot go with you to that party', instead, i talk with them and realize they would really like to go.... so they get to go.
the new wife is another story... there are problems with her. and i know that sounds so cliche, so i want to start by saying that she is a good person. i am happy she is our children's lives and they love her dearly. she just doesn't know where the line is between mom and stepmom. any conversation i am trying to conduct with my ex, she responds to and attempts to draw me into a debate about. so now he allows her to do all of the communication. she critiques my parenting skills, scolds my children (while they are sitting on my lap at a dr's appt.), etc...  maybe i am being too sensitive about it all.
i have actually already located a co-parenting program. i did this not long after the divorce when i pleaded to the other parent to attend with me.
the group is called Hope Haven and it is the same institution used by the court that handles the 'children in divorce' class that we were required to take prior to the divorce.

it all boils down to I DO have faith in our children. and even if he wins this custody battle and i end up with only every other weekend, they will know and will hold him responsible. he will have to answer to them.

[T0052SC]

Something I learned about e-mail is people lie.  It is good that you have kept all of the e-mails but if you don't have there responses they will lie and say they never got them.  There is software you can buy that will show when e-mails where recieved and whem.

Good luck.

[justme73]

i guess i didn't think about that. a long time ago i did set up my email account to request a response of confirmation when the email had been read, so it sends me an email of confirmation automatically.
but in the last 3 months or so my ex has turned off that option on his email account that allows the confirmation to be automatically sent from his account.

[T0052SC]

He may of turned this off because he didn't want you having proof that he read the messages.  There are sites on line that will provide software or service that supplies confirmations no matter if the receipient wants you to know or not that they got the message.

I learned about this in my case because the kids mother would always say that she never received the e-mails and that I never sent them to her.  One thing that helped is that I always sent e-mails to her and three other addresses.  I would send it to my attorney, my work e-mail, and to a second personal e-mail.  This showed that there was no reason for her not receiving it if all three of the other accounts received them.