I want custody of my son! Very Long!

[IceMountain]

I love my son.  I am tired of the games she plays to hurt him emotionally and the ways she tries to manipulate him.  It's killing me to watch him have to suffer due to her mind games.

I'm considering hiring a PI.  I can't find any friend, family member, acquaintance, etc. who has ever used one.  I don't know if it will help me.  

I know my son would be better off with me, but proving that is a different story.

1.  Last year he missed 20 full and part days of school.  I haven't gotten his final report card yet for this year, but last count last quarter was a total of 10 days.  Since I don't have the attendance report I don't know how many were full and how many were part days, etc.

2.  My ex informed me that she will be moving again.  My son will have his 4th school change in 2 years.  He attended 2 different schools during Kindergarten, attended a full year at the same school for 1st grade and will be changing again for 2nd grade.  (To be fair, I have moved 2 times in the past 2 1/2 years.  1 time with family due to finances then to own residence.)

3.  My son has learning difficulties that I think are directly related to his attendance.  She is now having him evaluated for ADD and his school did an IEP last week, which I should be receiving in the next week along with other school paper work.

4.  She 'enjoys' letting my son know what he is missing on the weekends he is with me.  3 weeks ago when I picked him up he walked out of the house with his bottom lip sticking out.  When I asked what was wrong, he said 'I'm going to miss X'.  This past weekend she announced at the pick up location that they were going to a local theme park.  My son was upset and told his grandfather 'that's not fair, I don't get to go to X'.  The next day he told my wife and started crying.  Those are just the last two examples.  I try to turn it around and focus on the fun things we are doing, but that doesn't always mend the broken heart of a 7 year old boy.

5.  There is, in my opinion, blatant favortism for his sister.  (My ex- wife's child from her 2nd husband, who she is still married to).  My son's step-dad admitted to me that they do special things for his daughter that they don't do for my son.  They traded rooms so his sister could have the bigger one.  Pictures on the wall are 2:1.  She is able to participate in more activities.  The 'family' takes vacations/trips when my son is with me.  My son got a new bike for his birthday present, his sister got one the same day, just because.  Of course these are just my observations and I can't prove much here.  

6.  My son told me that his step-dad yells at him all the time.  He told me that when this happens 'My mom has to get me away from him'.  I have witnesses of aggressiveness towards my son by him and just plain nastiness in the way he is treated by his step-dad.  I have no proof of actual abuse.

7.  My ex told me a story that just didn't add up concerning my son.  It's making me wonder if he is being left alone.

Now on to my ex and her 'games'

8.  She tried to threaten me with an Amber Alert 3 weeks ago because she didn't want to provide her share of transportation.  I have the police reports.  The transportation is based on a verbal agreement is not addressed in decree.

9.  She has lost her license 2 times this year due to traffic citations but still drove with the kids in the car.  I just found this info on court records yesterday.

10.  She is using the courts to try to manipulate the system.  She filed papers in her county to file for a petition to modify.  The same case is already on-going in the original county of decree.  She tried to 'just slip it in'.  I guess she thinks I'm stupid.  This is ultimately costing me $450-$600 in attorney's fees in her county just to have the case dropped.  I'm asking for attorney's fees from her, but I'm not real hopeful because she'll probably whine to the judge about her 'poverty'.

11.  Last week she called my son's school counselor to report that my wife is spanking my son.  She's either trying to damage the very positive relationship between my son and his step-mom or trying to pull more legal crap.  My wife works with children and could be hurt by false allegations.  She didn't get anywhere with the accusation.

12.  Last week she filed a bogus contempt charge against me.  I haven't been served yet, but I know it has to be bogus because I haven't done anything to go against our very generic divorce decree.

In addition to her little games:

13.  She is fraudulently receiving welfare.  Her husband is out of town alot so she just claims he doesn't live there.  He works full time and nets $2000 to $2500/month.  They get low income housing, food stamps and medical.  Her only provable 'income', as she refers to it, is child support.

14.  I also suspect she is receiving SSI for a 'disability', but working for cash.  

There is so much more but I just can't think right now.  The problem I face is that I can't prove my son is in any real danger and I don't know how to prove that I would be a better parent.  Another thing working against me is my son's sister.  Judges don't like to split siblings.  

I'm tired of my son being raised in an environment where he is subject to lies, manipulation and favortism.  I want my son raised in a home where he values rules, boundaries and the desire to work for the things he wants and needs.  

I'm tired of my son being dressed like a slob.  I'm tired of my son not being encouraged to bathe and brush his teeth.  There's no consistency in that home.  There's no accountability.  I'm just plain frustrated.  

We have a current action in court to modify the existing decree.  Mediation has just been ordered.  Will hiring a PI help me at all?  

[Giggles]

How long have you been divorced?  What you need to prove is a significant change in circumstances.  Was your son in school prior to your divorce?  How did he do then?  Did he miss that much school during that time?  If not, that may be considered a "significant change in circumstance".  Most of the other stuff you mentioned wont really matter much (sad as it is) and is really hard to prove.  

You may want to post this to Dear Socreteaser.  Read the format request prior to posting or you wont get an answer.  Be sure to put in the information that is in your divorce decree.  

[IceMountain]

We divorced 4 1/2 years ago.  My son wasn't in school yet.  The sad thing about his attendance is that the 20 days last year was only for 7 months because he didn't start at that school until end of October.

I know most of this won't matter to a judge.  I know it's a losing battle.  It's just so frustrating.  I truly want what's best for my son.  I posted the attendance thing to Soc last year when it became available to me.  It wasn't too promising, which to me makes no sense because it is definitely not in my son's best interest.

Do I have any other choice other than to wait another 5 years and hope my son will come to his own conclusions?

[Giggles]

How far apart do you and BM (BioMom or Bowl Movement as in her case) live?  If you live fairly close you could try to modify the visitation agreement to give you more time with him (push for 50/50).  You could go for custody but that could be costly and most likely you wont win...BUT you could end up with 50/50.  That is what happened to me.  I tried for custody I didn't get it, but I did end up with 50/50 placement and it was worth it.

[VaBeachStepmom]

In your last post, you stated you went for custody and didn't win, but ended up with a better visitation schedule.  I was wondering, is that a rare thing, or is it pretty standard?  DH and I want primary physical custody of his daughter, but are afraid of what may happen if we don't win (ie. we don't have enough to provet the neglect and PAS.)  I was thinking worst case might be, BM might straighten up and we could iron out our visitation to a more fair agreement.  

DH is afraid of filing for custody... he's afraid of what might happen if we lose.

[Giggles]

and also how "deep" you want to go.  If you're dealing with PAS..then you may have a long drawn out battle ahead of you.  A friend of mine from another board fought for years and spent thousands of dollars batteling PAS...they finally gave up.  The funny thing with them...once they gave up...the PASer didn't know what to do and is now threatening court if they Don't take the kids..hehehe too funny.

What you may want to do instead of going for custody, is just go for more visitation and request mediation.  My X and I were ordered to Mediation first but he wasn't a willing participant.  Later he apologized because even though I didn't get custody, in mediation I was willing to go 50/50 and that's what I got :-)  He ended up with a $15K attorney bill when it could have only cost him $200!!

The thing to remember with custody...it's very very costly and mostly at the whim of the judge.

[IceMountain]

Thanks again for your advice.

My ex and I live 3 1/2 hours apart so 50/50 isn't in the cards.  

Mediation was ordered just last week so we are waiting for that to get scheduled.  I'm definitely asking for more time.  She has a copy of my proposed parenting plan and her words were 'you're trying to screw me'.  I guess if she considers me being an active part of my son's life her getting screwed....

Right now I have the standard EOW and 6 weeks in summer with shared holidays.  

Problem is holidays are 9-6, he goes to a year-round school (for now, who knows what the fall will bring), which only has 6 weeks off in the summer (but 10 other weeks off).  

In my proposed plan I've outlined the schedule for both year-round and standard 9 month school schedules.   I'm also asking the court to mandate that he cannot change schools again until he is out of elementary school.

I'm asking for holiday weekends instead of days and basically 12 weeks of 'visitation' throughout the year.  If he goes to 9 month school I want him for the whole summer minus 2 weeks for her, plus 1 week at Xmas and every other spring break.

I want custody, but I'm realistic in that it's probably not going to happen unless my ex murders someone or commits some other heinous crime.  

The lawyers I have worked with don't think I will have a problem getting what I am asking for.  Time will tell.

[dontunderstand]

We are going through almost the exact same thing!  My SD is 7yrs old also.  She has missed 60 days of school (not even enrolled in school for 2 months!) and has over 40 tardies.  She has been to 3 schools in the last 2 years.  BM also lets SD know what she is missing so SD will want to come home to do something "more fun".  She manipulates her in every single way you can think of.  BM can't hold down a job, has no visible source of income.  SD has moved 7 times that she can remember.  BM has left a huge trail of abandoning her residences.
Our 1st commissoner saw through the BS.  The 2nd believed EVERYTHING she said.  We now get SD 1 day during the week-for 4 hours (because BM said WE are too disruptive to SD's life!) and every other weekend.  When she had a BF that didn't want kids we had SD 2 days a week overnight and everyother weekend.  It is VERY frustrating.  My DH is so frusterated and upset!  All he wants is his daughter!!!  
Hang in there!  Keep at it!  Keep a paper trail of EVERYTHING!!! Sooner or later someone with half a brain will see what a great parent you are~ your son is VERY worth it!