new sexl abuse allegations

[onedaddy]

We're at the end of a custody trial.  Things are not looking good for BM and last week after court, SF sends us an email that we should call him as a witness if we want to win, he is divorcing BM and how did you live with her for so long.  The next morning BM's lawyer sends an email that BM had SF arrested after an incident in the home.  The cops were called the night before but they refused to arrest him and she filed a civil complaint and had him arrested the next morning.  SF is currently on probation.  The lawyer went on to say there was another incident 3 weeks ago where SF threw a vase and BM filed an incident report.

She got an temporary OP and SF was back in the house and at SD dance recital the next night.  

Wednesday BM and DH went to their court ordered parenting class and BM left in a huff.  She called our house just before midnight to say SD told her she was molested at a family BBQ with us Saturday and she was calling the police.

8yo SD told us she did not like this 80yo man because when he kissed he hello she felt his tongue.  My husband and all his cousins grew up with this man, he has no teeth and can barely walk.  He never left the outside area and was sitting next to my in-laws the entire time except to smoke a cigarette a few feet away in everyone's eye distance.  I told SD she probably misinterpreted it.  He has no teeth and gives wet kisses.

Now she is saying he touched her.  I am sick to my stomach.  BM has done nothing but make our lives miserable.  Now she is devastating our entire family. Even if noone believes this DH's cousins are going to want nothing to do with SD and SS and possibly us and our new son.  I couldn't blame them.

Any advise.

[nosonew]

Just remember, desperate people do desperate things. Your SD has (it sounds) been involved in other "manufactured stories" and is just doing what she has been trained to do. Monkey see... Monkey do.

All you can do is fight it... get your families support. Let them know that you feel SD is ALSO a victim... and she is.

Since you are IN court proceedings right now... your atty needs to subpoena the soon to be EX, show a pattern of bm making all these charges when things aren't going her way.

It is NOT a healthy emotional environment for skids.

I wish you only the best... don't give up on SD... but don't let her off the hook either. She needs to know that telling lies and embellishing the truth HURTS others.

Good luck... Noso

[CustodyIQ]

Oof, that's not fun.

I agree with the other poster, but I wouldn't automatically assume that SD ever said that the old man touched her inappropriately.  That could be BM's complete manufacture or embellishment, and SD may not know anything.

How the rest of your family deals with SD and SS are entirely up to you.  If you and your husband choose to include them in this drama, then you may have an outcome like you predict.

If you choose to insulate them as best you can, then they would have little reason to make you and/or your stepchildren into outcasts.

Read "Divorce Poison" by Warshak and "Elusive Innocence" by Dean Tong.

Both those books will shed light onto the forces at work here, and give you a ton of proactive steps you can take to help limit the impact on your lives and your stepchildren's lives.

Good luck.

[onedaddy]

I will certainly look into the books you suggested.

The next morning after this allegation, DH called the childrens therapist who BM has not been taking them too even though the judge yelled at her 2 weeks ago.  She cleared a spot on her calendar for that same day and left 2 messages for BM BM finally called back and brought just SD in.  She didn't tell tghe therapist anything on the phone and as far as BM knew the therapist knew nothing of this incident.  BM first went in and told the story, then SD went in and told the same story, that he touched her between the legs. Of course there was no mention to this therapist about the episode with SF the week prior.  DH had called early and spoke with her about it but neither SD nor BM said a word.

They were at all times next to her grandfather and many others so this never happened.  

We have no intentions of informing anyone in the family of this horrible allegaton but if BM reports it they will know.

How do I explain to SD that there are repercussions to her lies if the lawyer and therapist think we should never bring it up.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Again, the best advice I can give you is to read those two books.

They do an excellent job at 1) helping you protect yourself, and 2) helping you help the falsely accusing child.