Am I too sensitive??

[pw7285]

Unique situation....

I have known my now wife of almost 2 years for about 10 years.  We dated 2 years prior to our marriage.  We both have kids, she a boy 9 years old and I a girl also 9 years old.  When we were both in our previous relationships we all knew each other therefore, the kids have known each other since birth.  Months after we both separated (she divorced and I was not married to my ex) we got the kids together for dinner and have been together since.  We had a house built 2.5 years ago, she doesn't work so that she can spend time at her sons school and take care of any errands that need to be done.  Although there is always time for shopping, Yoga and coffee with the girls etc...

My ex and daughter live in another state and her ex lives in another state but we have custody of the son.  They are on good speaking terms when it comes to their son whereas my ex ("the victim") and I don't always get along the greatest.  My issue is with their relationship. I am very envious that they are able to have one and I am not.  This envy leads to jealousy which then becomes suspicion as to what they are talking about knowing it isn't always about their son.  He pays her CS by check and not through the Clearinghouse so checks are addressed to her with her previous last name.  This to me is disrespectful but she doesn't think it's a big deal. She flys their son up to see him in the summer and she is still close to his side of the family so they pick them up at the airport, have dinner, go to the park all as if they were still together. Dirves me nuts but I know that in their sons best interest it is good to see his parents can still get along.

I don't like that her ex still addresses her with his last name, I am bothered by the fact that she seems to protect, defend and accomodate him and dismisses my feelings.  It makes me feel as though I am not her husband but rather an outsider when it comes to him. Although in the past 3 years I have been more of a father to her son than his bio father has and have provided for him far better than he ever did I am still treated (in my mind) as the outsider.

This has caused many arguements and quite frankly I am tired of arguing but I also do not want to conceed to being disrespected.

Am I being too sensitive?

[tigger]

Was this relationship a result of an affair?  If so, I have no doubt that the exhusband is still referring to her with his name and that your ex feels like the victim.  Also, that there is a great deal of suspicion on your part.  If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. 

[pw7285]

No it was not an affair.  They had been separated for 6+ months and I for almost a year.  We had lost contact but when I had my daughter with me in the summer we got together for dinner and so the kids could see each other.  That is when we connected.

[tigger]

Hmm.  Then I'm not sure how those dynamics got set up like that.  An affair would have helped them make sense but the lack of an affair . . . I don't know. 

Do you trust her?

[gemini3]

I don't like that her ex still addresses her with his last name, I am bothered by the fact that she seems to protect, defend and accomodate him and dismisses my feelings.  It makes me feel as though I am not her husband but rather an outsider when it comes to him.

No, I don't think that you're being too sensitive.  It is probably hard for you to feel like he is respecting theboundaries of your marriage when she's there visiting if he can't even bring himself to use her new name when he sendschild support checks.  It makes it worse that she is unwilling to respect your feelings aboutthis, because you don't feel that she's on your side, which furthers the insecurity.  I am notsurprised that you are feeling jealous.

While the fact that she gets along with her ex and his family is much easier on her son, it is hard for you to deal with.  In order for you to be able to feel secure in this you need to feel that there are clear boundaries, and that she respects them both when she is with you and when she is away.  Have you discussed how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

[MomofTwo]

Well,  no one here can tell you if what you are feeling is appropriate or not. However,
I personally think unless she has done something that has crossed lines or boundaries for you to feel this way then yes, you are being overly sensitive.  Her getting along with her ex and his family for the sake of the child is commendable.  There are posts every day here about parents not getting along and being antagonistic toward each other and completely ignoring what is best for the child and now someone is doing that and the thought is she is not considering him over the child seems rather silly. Seems like a no win situation.  The last name on the check ... really? So what. He IS paying his support for his child, more than alot of NCP do.  The important thing isnt the last name on the check but the fact he is supporting his child.  You should be glad you have't been made to support his child.  Sorry, but just because you don't get along with your ex means that is the right way to be. The fact is, you were both married before, you both have children from previous relationships and you have to learn to cope. For everyone's sake, and for yours, the children do come first and trying to maintain a  healthy relationship with the father of the child is a good thing.   

[MixedBag]

My EX#1 played games with me like that because of all my past failures in marriage.

I learned to see that it was a game and laugh it off....he was making himself look like a fool.

Pick and choose your battles -- stepdad in this case -- it's more important that dad is supporting the child and that mom can cash the checks, than what name he uses on the check itself.

As for the exchanges -- is there a chance that YOU could go with one time?

[4honor]

Maybe a better question is what dynamic in your relationship with your wife makes it OK for you not to be able to go to her and voice your feelings? Have you made your feelins known? Did she listen and explain, or did you feel as if your concerns were invalidated?

You need to understand that no matter what you and your wife say, the ex will do what the ex will do. DO you feel that her making a stand is going to do any good, or is it going to upset the balance of an otherwise functioning relationship from which a child is benefiting?

You say she was separated for 6 months beofre you got together, but did her ex understand at the time that it was a permanent thing, or did he think he had a chance to put it all back together? He may resent you and the check thing is his way of digging at you.

You have every right to feel the way you feel. However, remember that what we FEEL is transient. I suggest that you ask yourself if this is a deal breaker. You could force a confrontation about it, but I suspect it will result in resentment from your wife, your stepson, and the ex -- family and all.

I do not think you are being overly sensitive - he is being disrespectful. However, to give it much more thought is giving his poor behavior power over you, your feelings, a portion of your relationship with your wife, and robs you of time better spent on better things.

[shaden3]

Jealousy sometimes means we're not feeling worthwhile, meaning worth loving, worth coming first, worth being considered...

Two important things to keep in mind:
1) Your instincts may be telling you that there's more to this relationship, or it may be your fears that there's still romantic love (and therefore a threat?). Be careful to separate your gut instinct from your fear. This is hard work. Sometimes a good (and I mean good) therapist can help. It can also get you on the road to truly believing that you are valuable, and your worth doesn't come from how others treat you, and;

2) Be careful not to create the very thing you fear. Showing signs of jealousy (when in fact there is no basis for the worry) can push the other person into moving away from you.

However, above all, know that just being a good, trusting, caring and hard-working person will reap its own rewards, over and over again, throughout one's lifetime.

You seem to be cognizant of the fact that the positive communication between the exes benefits the kids. This may simply be an indication that the two are determined to create a low conflict, upbeat scenario so that kids can learn from their role modeling. This is a great, great, great thing. Very admirable. If your heart of hearts says it's in your head and there is no real threat, then move forward with your head held high.

However, if you can't get past this thing, I agree that finding a way to tell your wife that you have feelings you can't suppress, share them and see if there's some reassurance you can get. But be careful how you present it; let her know you trust her and understand that she is a good person and mom.