dont know really what to do..... PLEASE HELP

[roxy767]

Hi my name is brittany, i am 20 years old and 20 weeks pregnant. I am currently going through alot with the father of my child and ex boyfriend. The pregnancy was totally unplanned... i was trying to leave him for almost a month before i found out i was pregnant, his family has a history mental illness and he isnt all there his self i dont believe. He held me against my will a couple of times and would shove me around and mentally abuse me alot when we together, i stayed for a month or so hoping things would get better for our child but it didnt it just got worse. I lost my job and i am living with my parents for now, he is threatening to take me to court and says that he is going to try to get full custody of our son... here is a little about his past, he has 3 felonies on his record for breaking and entering, theft and eluding police. he is a very possessive man, i didnt feel safe around him so why would my child. I was letting him go to the doctors appointments with me but no matter how hard i tried things always seemed to turn into a fight, i almost had a miscarriage because of all the stress i started bleeding one night and had to go to the er and they told me i had to take it easy or i was going to losemy child... i have a pst myself, i got a dwi and had a problem with alcohol and drugs but i got help for myself....  i am so scared i am going lose my son when he gets here... what should i do? or should i even be worried? anythng would help... sooooo please give me any advice..

[Giggles]

Brittney....what I'm about to say is called "tough love", it's not going to be something you want to hear or be all warm and fuzzy.  First of all welcome to the real world, your everyday decisions will effect the rest of your life.  You're 20 years old and now you need to grow up.  My first suggestion is to put the needs of your child before your own, have you considered placing the child up for adoption?  I don't say that to be mean, but face the facts...you don't have a job, you are basically homeless (living with Mommy and Daddy doesn't cut it), and will be raising that child at the expense of the American tax payers.  Something to consider if you truly love your child!!

OK...so if adoption isn't the solution then may I suggest you and the Father take some parenting classes now!  This man is going to be tied to you for the rest of your life, for the sake of all involved, you BOTH need to learn to get along...FOR THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD!!  Second, get a JOB...YOU should be supporting this child, NOT the American people!

You may think this "advice" is harsh...maybe it is, but you have to think now for your sake and the future of that child.

[4honor]

As a mother who did not have custody of my daughter after she was eight, I think I understand where you are better than most. I was 17 when I became pregnant. Neyssa's dad was originally uninvolved. I was poor. Things changed. long story.

My mother actually threatened me that she would fight me for custody if I tried to give up my child for adoption. I was really afraid she could do it and she was a hostile agressive parent to me and my siblings following my parents' divorce. I couldn't allow her to get custody. Having been spanked to the level of abuse (300 swats with a belt for losing my Sunday shoes) I understood there is a difference in physical and mental abuse. I think mental abuse is more damaging.

You need to determine if you can live with adoption. It may be the best chance your child has for a decent life. If you cannot choose that option, then you need to find a way to come to a reasonable agreement with a man you state is unreasonable. Whether your ex-boyfriend is abusive or not, your perception is that he is controlling and demanding. His actions and Your reactions to his actions are creating a condition that will make co-parenting -- the style of parenting that has the best possible outcomes for children -- difficult, if not impossible.

So, during this time while you are pregnant, you should try for a conditional parenting agreement. You will agree to a set child support and residential schedule if he agrees to go to  ... (fill in the blank: counseling, drug testing, etc.) You can build in the changes, what to do if someone has to move away, how additional time can be gotten, etc. Be willing to do 50/50 if he is willing to do the work on his end. My family has mental health issues, but with proper counseling, and in some cases medication, each person with problems is a phenominal parent. There is a chance that your ex can step up and be the kind of man you want him to be and that your child deserves as a father.

Don't tell me "he won't agree to that" unless you have already asked him point blank. BE blunt. Tell him your concerns and how you two can work toward being the best parents you can be. Don't forget that you need to test your responses to each other, because you are two way different people and may be misunderstanding based on your perception, not on what was intended or what really happened.

I suggest you demand a DNA test - do it as soon as possible after birth for the sake of the child. You may both "know" there is no other possible father, but you don't want to be six or seven years down the line and suddenly there is a question. Do it soon and defend your child's heritage. Don't let him sign the birth certificate without the DNA results.

Stick around and read the boards. There are alot of people on this site that want nothing more than for every child to have ready access to both fit parents.

[janM]

If you want to put the child up for adoption, dad will have to establish paternity and agree to the adoption. If he doesn't agree, he can petition for paternity/parenting time/support and you will have to foster a relationship between dad and child. His time may be limited at first, but it will increase. Unless you can prove that dad is a danger to his child, he WILL get unsupervised time with his child. He will not get full custody of a newborn unless YOU are somehow unfit (and that definition is very lax).

At the moment he is not the legal dad, and has no rights. He is also not obliged to support you, or attend any appointments with you. After the birth, he will not have rights until he asks a court to grant them after he has proven paternity (by DNA or acknowledgement on paper).

[cvcs]

Hi my name is brittany, i am 20 years old and 20 weeks pregnant. I am currently going through alot with the father of my child and ex boyfriend. The pregnancy was totally unplanned... i was trying to leave him for almost a month before i found out i was pregnant, his family has a history mental illness and he isnt all there his self i dont believe. He held me against my will a couple of times and would shove me around and mentally abuse me alot when we together, i stayed for a month or so hoping things would get better for our child but it didnt it just got worse. I lost my job and i am living with my parents for now, he is threatening to take me to court and says that he is going to try to get full custody of our son... here is a little about his past, he has 3 felonies on his record for breaking and entering, theft and eluding police. he is a very possessive man, i didnt feel safe around him so why would my child. I was letting him go to the doctors appointments with me but no matter how hard i tried things always seemed to turn into a fight, i almost had a miscarriage because of all the stress i started bleeding one night and had to go to the er and they told me i had to take it easy or i was going to losemy child... i have a pst myself, i got a dwi and had a problem with alcohol and drugs but i got help for myself....  i am so scared i am going lose my son when he gets here... what should i do? or should i even be worried? anythng would help... sooooo please give me any advice..

Brittany, I don't see anywhere in your post that you want to put this child up for adoption. You describe an unsafe person, so it will be important for you to start documenting the abuse and danger as best you can. This means start making a list of people who have witnessed the abuse, and include their contact information with a sentence about what they would be able to testify to if need be. In addition, document the help that you received that shows you are now competent and safe. You have many options here, so biggest advice here is to take a deep breath and focus on having a healthy baby. It's possible that, if you apply for public assistance $, you will be asked to name the bio father, so keep that in mind.

You should contact a domestic violence hotline. There's also a great website called Love is Respect.org and you can get information there, too. Sometimes domestic violence advocates will go with you to court, sometimes there are agencies that will provide you with an attorney at no cost.

Brittany, do not give this child up for adoption without thinking about it looooong and hard. If you want to keep your child and find ways to stay safe, love this baby and raise him/her, then you have every right to do so. Terminating parental rights should never be decided during a moment of feeling overwhelmed and scared, but after a very long process of workig through the issues and finding there's no other way.

Good luck. You can also look on aardvarc . com website for information in your state on domestic violence resources.

[Davy]

I'm posting just to add emphasis to the the quality advise from giggle, 4honor and Jan.

Please find comfort knowing the threats to take full custody are just "threats" with absolutely no chance at all of prevailing.  I would like to suggest that you should consider naming the father on the birth certificate ... it may some day be pertinant to the childs medical or mental needs.   I hope also you continue to honor your parents support.   You might find additional comfort and solitude reaching out to church groups in your area.  Some may have support services to assist you,  your baby and the father as well.

Best to ya as you focus on the future needs of your baby  !!!