Need advice on making a change in custody

[T0052SC]

My ex and I currently have a 50/50 split, with me having residence.  Her life has become out of control and she has relized this and the impact it will have on the kids.  The ex came to me yesterday wanting to make a change in custody so the kids will have a good stable life with me.  

I currently pay CS becuase I make so much more than her and if this change happends I need to at least get rid of owing her this money, so I can properly care for the kids.  I don't care if she pays CS, she doesn't have the money any way so why beet a dead horse.

To get rid of my obligation of CS I am guessing I have to have this change in writing.  So here are my questions:

Once in writing does it need to be submitted to the court, or is having it noterized be good enough if needed for court later?

If it does need to be submited can I do this alone to avoid attorney fees and the friction that may develop by her thinking I am trying to pull a fast one?

If I can do it alone what is the process and procedure of submiting this to the court?

Any other thought or concerns would be appreciated.  Thank you.

[Sherry1]

have to sign off on the court order too.  

[notthemama]

I suggest that anyone involved in any custody issue, even if it is a mutual change of custody, to seek legal representation to make sure all of the t's are crossed & i's are dotted.

If you don't mind me asking, what will the custody change to?

I have a few notes I could add about the support after I find out more about your arrangements.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

You're in a great situation if you think that's best for the kids.

I think it's extremely important for you to be guided by an attorney on this, and you may wish to do it in a stealth manner given that you think she may be paranoid (i.e., "pulling a fast one").

An approach that may be the best, to solidify what's going on, is to just initially have a verbal agreement or little informal piece of paper.  You can explain that you just want something in case of health needs, whatever.

Then let her give you the kids, and welcome that.

Wait month after month, and continue to pay your child support.

Four to six months later, you'll be able to show that the REALITY of your situation is now that the kids are with you for 80% of the time.

At that time, you can seek to make it official, either through a signed stipulation (entered as court orders) or taking it before a judge.

At that time, likewise, you seek to modify the child support.

Her incentive, at that time, to settle is that you'd be willing to have zero child support if you can just agree to sign the thing.

Else, if you go before a judge, you'll ask the judge to order child support after you have sole custody.

You know your ex the best, so it really depends upon how wishy-washy she is.  If you think there's a chance she may change her mind if/when it comes to making it official, the above scenario may be a good approach.

But if you think she just wants to get rid of them and not look back, have an attorney draft as gentle a stipulation as possible, wherein the new parenting schedule is outlined, as is the new custody.

Then your attorney will file it, and it gets made into court orders.

With that approach, you may want to ignore child support in the document.  Just get the custody change made, and once it's ordered, immediately file to terminate child support, given the new custody arrangement.

But... as I started out saying... this is a situation that is worth dropping a couple grand on an attorney, to ensure it's done right.

[flewwellin]

If she isn't fighting you on the change of custody than you should be able to do this all on your own.  I would definitely go thru the courts to get this filed.

[T0052SC]

I am going to take your advice on this.  I talked to the ex today and she wants to modify the custody as follows:

I will have custody of the children for the school year with her visiting every other weekend.  During the summer she wants the kids to stay with her Sunday evening till Thursday Morning and the kids stay with me Thursday morning till Sunday evening.

She continued to coment how she will probably not see them that often during the school year because of work.  She works Thursday through Sunday, days and nights.  I told her that if this became the issue that we could always make araingements where she could pick the kids up at school and take them out but be home for 6:30 PM so I could help my son with home work.  She commented that maybe every other weekend she would take them for a few hours on Saturday.

To my suprize she then wanted to talk about child suport.  She told me that she felt it was not fair for me to pay any if the kids are going to live with me full time.  I was blown away but thanked her for this consideration.  She wants to talk about this more but I am unsure of what to do to protect me.

1. Will a mutual signed agreement releave me from this obligation?

2. Do I have to continue writing her checks every week, but give her a deposit slip so she can deposit the money back into my account?

I would like not to scare her with a court filing just yet, so I didn't want to ask that of her.  She did agree to put this whole change in writing for us to sign.  If she makes suggestions of letting me file it I will offer to pay the entire amount for filing and attorney.

[CustodyIQ]

Until a court order for child support is terminated, you are obligated to pay it.  She would be able to come back at any time in the future and demand the amount owed.

It would be very important to have new court orders for child support.  That can be a written stipulation (agreement) between you to that just gets made into orders, but you'd be putting a great deal of trust in her future behavior if you simply stop paying on an unofficial agreement.

Further, if you pay her, it's child support.  If she pays you back, it's a gift (i.e., potentially taxable income to you).

If you think her proposal is best for the kids, I would suggest you draw it up in writing and then privately consult with an attorney on crafting the language that would be an enforceable court order.

You may want to express your appreciation for how you two are working out this new arrangement, but also that you want to make sure both of you are protected.  Additionally, you can say that you want to make sure that if you two make this big change for the kids, neither one of the parents will abruptly change their mind and force the kids through another change anytime soon.

Just keep feeling it out.  It really seems like both sides are okay with this arrangement and shouldn't have a problem making it official.

But, given that her part of the sacrifice is starting now with the school year, you're in no rush.  You'll be establishing that you're the primary parent (so if, months later, you end up in court, that's to your advantage).

[T0052SC]

Here is the update for you on the agreement.
I met with her over the week end and she agreed to it all.  I took your advice on the child suport.  I remember reading from a lot of other fathers that she could come back and get me on the past due even if we agreed to it.  So this is what I did.  

I formed up a writen agreement between us that stated the original CO and how those sections were to be modified.  She signed the contract between us.  When it came down to the child suport I told her that even if we agreed that I did not need to pay the court is going to hold me liable for it and it could cause trouble.  I told her that the easy way was for us to submit it to the court and then every one is protected.  She agreed but wants to wait until March 1st.  March 1st is when we are to every year reasses child suport.  We agreed that come March 1st we will us my attorney to draft up the change and submit it to the court while we reasses the child suport.

For now what is going to happen for the child support is that I will continue to pay her the money but she is going to turn around and use this money to pay the kids before and after school activity and preschool.  That way I have the paper trail that I paid her, I don't pay twice for these activities, and she doesn't have to pay a lot out of her pocket.

She kinda let it slip why she wanted the change.  Her boy friend has just goten custody of his son and he need her to help him raise him.  She doesn't feel that she can deal with his son along with our two kids so she feels that it is best that I take care of the kids and she will visit them every other weekend if her schedule alows her to.