when a counselor is bias. what to do?

[onmytime]

I'm in Arizona.

We were suppose to spend 3 hours with the counselor and 45 minutes into the session the counselor said this clearly isn't going to work so lets wrap things up.  My son's father and I looked at each other and we both said we wanted to work it out and asked the counselor what he suggested.  He told us he couldn't suggest anything because he didn't know yet.  Once again we were both baffled.  So we got to talk for another 20 minutes and then the counselor said it was over.

For the first time in months my son's father and I both agreed on something.  That counselor SUCKED!  My son's father even teased that maybe the counselor wanted to take an early lunch and would probably recommend our child be placed in foster care because he was trying to get us out of there so fast.  I was very surprised he thought that because the counselor was going to recommend alot of what my son's father wanted.  We actually laughed about how awful the session went.  But what's really sad is we still don't agree.

Yesterday my son's father and I went to conciliation and met with a counselor who was extremely bias (and I'm not just saying that because he didn't agree with me).  My son's father and I are trying to come to an agreement over custody.  Currently our son stays with his grandmother 3 days a week and goes to daycare 2 days a week.   What  I purposed was that dad watch our son Monday & Tuesday every other week and has every other weekend.  His proposal was to have our son every Monday & Tuesday and every other weekend.  I tried explaining to the counselor that dad travels alot and he works 4 days on 3 days off.  Therefore if he has M,T,W off he is working Th,F,S,Su and just like he is watching our son on M & T when I am working why would I not have him when he is working (I don't work weekends).  If he does every other weekend that gives him the opportunity to work M-Th the week he doesn't watch our son on M & T and come the weekend he can spend time with our son (he has the flexibility to work the days he wants).

The counselor was extremely bias.  My son's father told him that if he were to travel that he would put him in daycare on "his side" of town (we live a little over an hour apart).  What sense does that make?  So now our son would be going to "two" different schools (even though he stated the reason for him wanting joint custody was to spend more time with our child).  Although I know the real reason is he wants more time to lower or eliminate child support (he is 7,000 in arrears and to this day refuses to follow the court order and has also failed to show up for visitation).  Even though I explained that he works on the weekends the counselor didn't care.  He stated he was still going to recommend my son's father keep him while he works even if that means his wife would take care of him while he works or while he travels or he has to go to daycare.  WHAT???  Let me mention at the beginning of the session my son's father told the counselor that I was an exceptional mom (to remove any doubt of me being unfit).  At that point I realized that anything I said didn't make a difference.  Even last time we went to court the judge became extremely upset with my son's father for even suggesting that his wife could watch our son when I'm available so why would a counselor find it ok?

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about complaining about a counseling session, how to see another counselor, what to have my lawyer file (he is out of town for the next week) or state that the counselor was inept (to say the least).  I don't know any social worker or anyone in the counseling profession that would find it beneficial for a child to go to 2 different schools at 2 years of age when stability is so important at  this age.  You know what forget about him being two, the fact that any child should have to go to 2 different schools is crazy!  In every text I've read, with every counselor or teacher I've spoken to no one has heard or recommended a child going to two different schools.  That session has just left me absolutely baffled!!  Any suggestions on what to do?  And what's next if I don't agree with the recommendation?  We have a trial coming up in September.  Are there separate evaluations I can request be done?

[skye]

you two agree to some things can speak civily and cannot work this out?

OK how about this ask him to meet you in a public place ask him to bring his schedule for work and tell him you are bringing yours as well...

its encouraging to know that most cases agreed upon between the parties never go back to court.

from the schedule you have above seems to me IF you plan to share parenting ( which if you can speak civily I encourage ) you need to say ok in order for this to work whoever is off has child..and if you are BOTH off and cannot agree flip a coin to see who goes first and then alternate that day every week...



child should go to same school
if you live in different districts how far is the commute..if too far can one of you move? which school is better ..you can pull up a report card for the schools just punch in the district and report card in your search box and take them with you...



 IF you can avoid child care and work together for the kid I promise that your child will benifet more than you can even imagine..and it will save you tremendous stress thoughout their preteen/teen years ...

[HappyMom2]

I'm in Arizona too.  We had a court-appointed "family court advisor" who claims to specialize in child custody evaluations as well as being a parenting coordinator.  I think the guy is off his rocker.  After one session with him I called my attorney and said there was no way I was going to return to that quack.  I've stood my grounds.  The "doctor" claims he feels it would be unethical for him to conduct a custody evaluation and that it would also be unethical for him to be the parenting coordinator.  Huh?  How can it be unethical for him to do what he specializes in and has been clearly appointed by the court to do?  He's refusing to to address issues I have regarding abuse my son has received from his father.  Personally I think the "doctor" is acting unethically by choosing to overlook these issues, never mind lacks integrity and a conscience.  I wrote a letter to him explaining exactly how I felt (copying both attorney as required), and it appears he no longer wants to be on this case and has written to the judge "suggesting" that my case be assigned to another mental health professional who doesn't feel it would be unethical to address the abuse issues.  Good for me.

The point is, just because this counselor has been appointed and is a "professional" doesn't mean you have to suffer at the hands of their incompetence (or hungry stomach?).  If you and the ex can work things out without the counselor, by all means do so.  You have the right to work out a visitation schedule on your own and present it to the court.

Regarding the school ... there should only be one.  I agree with the previous response.  You need to run a report card and decide which school is in your son's best interest.  Stability is key.

Regarding the fact that you feel you should be given the first opportunity to have your son instead of him being placed in a daycare, it's pretty standard practice that if you're talking about 4+ hours, you should be given the first chance for having him ... and daycare or a babysitter should only be used if you cannot take care of him.

Regarding the distance ... what's an hour's drive?  This is a big city, and it's not as if anyone is being asked to make that drive twice a day five days a week.  Put on a good radio station and enjoy the drive!

Take control of the situation and don't let them take control of you, and remember:  

All it takes for evil to triumph is for a good man (or woman) to take no action.

[4honor]

but besides that,

My advice:

ONE school - find a way to agree even if it is not YOUR way.

A step parent is not a babysitter and allowing a stepparent to  care for your child while the other parent is at work is FINE -- especially if they are going to have other children together. It shows your child how the family dynamic works at Daddy's house even when he isn't home.  

Now, if it were to be daycare or a babysitter, then the person who wants the child INSTEAD should pick up prior to the other parent going to work and deliver when they come home OR as agreed to by the parents (e.g., he/she who wants fetches.)

Your child will benefit from increased contact with his father. The closer to 50/50 that is feasible, the more your child will benefit --if both parents are FIT and INVOLVED.

As for your impression that your EX just wants to increase his visitation so his CS will drop, you are confusing two desires. I am certain that your ex wants his CS to drop. (When I paid CS, I wanted it to drop. I am female.) I am also sure that he wants a workable schedule with the most stable days possible and to parent his child even on days he is working. If those two desires coincide, so much the better! Your opposition to a schedule which would allow for a reduction proves that it is "just about the money" -- at least as much -- to you as to your ex.

Putting the money issues aside, look at how your child will benefit from more contact on a set stable schedule... do you remember when you were a child? ...The feeling of exhilaration running to greet your dad when he got home from work? There is NOTHING quite so much fun as squealing "Daddy's home!" while taking a flying leap into his arms at the end of his day. And you want to take that from your child because ... ???????

The court battle will NOT give you any better results than thinking about it from a less emotional position and coming to an agreement.