Absent Father

[wlaws]

Lets start with a little back story first. I am a 25 year old student (graduate in 1 year woohoo) and mother of the most amazing soon to be 5 (wow growing up way to fast for mom). His father and I have been apart for going on 3 years and were off and on the previous 2 years of his life. We were high school sweethearts and well- things didn't work out. He was/is a drug abuser, not to say I haven't partied my fair share but when nothing serious and when I found out I was pregnant I quit everything and by everything I mean cigarettes, pop, only ate organic. I really dove in to becoming a parent. I was young- to young, and I still feel at 25 that I have to over compensate, I don't want people to see me and think there's another young mother not being responsible so responsible I became. Him on the other hand, not so much.

When my son was born he had to have emergency surgery on his stomach we spent almost 3 weeks in the NICU and I never left. The nurses all new not to change a diaper if I wasn't in the room I was just down stairs eating and would be right back. I've never loved something so much as when I seen his face. His father (i use the term only to describe because I do not consider him a father) visited once- high.

I didn't have the greatest  adolencents. My parents were not bad parents it was just when I needed to most parenting was when they were having the most problems. Divorce, housing all that, so I will admit that when it comes to my little one I've tried to be so perfect. Ya know? I don't want to do anything that could potentially F him up when older. I breast feed, I made his own baby food, I read all the books. I feel like he's the one thing that I do right.

His father and I had a rough couple years, I tried to stay together because I thought that was the right thing to do but chance after chance blown I had to make the decision that it was time for us to part. I didn't want my child growing up in any type of hostile or unstable enviroment. I moved in with my mother about an hour away and began working and getting on my feet. During the first year and half it was a constant battle with me basically begging him to visit my son and not understanding why? Why wouldn't, why are you not missing him? Finally, after about 5 visits no more begging from me. I realized that i couldn't care more about their relationship than he did. Since then, no visits, no phone calls, no birthday card, no nothing. Not by my doing, his. The door was always open.

So now going on 5 I think its time that he just finishes letting us go. I don't know how to go about getting his rights terminated, if he can voluntarily sign them away or if I have to get a lawyer to do so? Can I do it on my own? Honestly I don't have the money for a lawyer, I am trying to finish up my school which is expensive, and I have a 5year old son which is expensive lol.

A friend of mine passed away yesterday in a car accident, she was 27 she has a 5 year old son, and 6month old daughter. It really hit home that no one is guaranteed tomorrow and if something was to happen to me I dont want him to be ripped away from the family he knows. I have an amazing soon to be husband that our son calls dad and I have to old sister who spoils him to death. My parents who are better divorced that married to one another lol and I am scared to death that they would (mostly his parents) come and take him and not let him see anyone from my family if something were to happen to me.
Any advice would help, were to start would be great? thanks.

[tigger]

Others with more experience in this area can weigh in but I don't think you can terminate his rights without a husband ready to adopt.

You mentioned that you were young - too young but you stepped up to the plate.  I think you need to be open to the idea that he too may step up to the plate eventually.

As for your fears, perhaps you could set up a legal document giving custody to your parents, spouse or whomever with the bio father's consent.

[MixedBag]

No direct experience....but I've looked into a bit for our state.


1.  99% of the time, you need someone else to step in to REPLACE the father.....can be a grandparent, but normally it's the step-father.


2.  There will be a process where yes you have to notify dad -- but if you can't find dad -- there's  a process to "notify him" anyways via publication in newspapers and such and that will be considered "notice" too.  It's a complicated process and a LONG process, but it's there.


As for whether or not this is  good idea or good for the child -- ocean brings up a good point.


Have a situation close to my heart right now -- where I don't know WHAT the real right answer is either.  So I sit....and think...and sit....and think some more.  Because that answer is unique down to the individual family.


start by learning what the state's laws (codes) say for your state about how much time has to pass before it's considered abandonment and stuff.  (Here it's 6 months of no contact)

[ocean]

Agree with the others, most states will not allow him to give up his rights because if something happened with our job and you wanted to go on state assistance, they like to have both parents to go after. If your new husband is ready to adopt, you can do it that way.

When was the last time the father saw/took child? Does he pay child support? Were you married to him?

If he is not bothering you, you may want to leave this alone. If you force this, his parents or him may enforce his parental rights and this may turn into a visitation battle.

I agree with Tig, if you were both young, and if you were never married you have custody. He would have to take you to court for paternity test, visitation.

Some things to think about...

[MixedBag]

I mis-typed....I agree with tigger -- and of course, now with Ocean too.

It's the possibility that the sleeping/missing dad might wake up that scares me when staying away might be the better answer while the children heal over their father's choice.