New here and getting ready for court

[krazyfamily_6]

Hello to all.  Thank you in advance for any advice or info you can offer me.  

Let me give you some history.  I am the father of an 11 year old boy.  His mother and I were never married.  She has made it difficult for me to be active in  my son's life for as long as I can remember.  She would often not be home when it was time for me to pick my son up and would only want me to come and get him if she needed  a "babysitter". I took her to court and was granted visitation rights through the court when my son was 2 years old.  Things got better for awhile or should I say, as long as I was giving her what she wanted then things went ok.  My son was frequently left home alone as early as age 5.  He was also let to "roam" the neighborhood while BM slept or talked on the phone.  I would often arrive to pick him up and she would have no idea where he was.  Her response was always, "oh he'll turn up sooner or later".  She rarely spent any time with him and he was pretty much living with her parents when he was not with me.

Things got worse as my son got older.  BM started leaving my son home alone on a regular basis.  He was instructed to NOT tell me and was told to lie and tell me that he had a sitter.  She started denying me telephone contact through the week as well.  

In 2003, I filed for a modification in child custody.  However, since I did not have proof that he was left home alone and BM lied her butt off in court, the judge decided it would be best to award joint legal and physical custody.  This actually made BM happy.  I still had to pay child support, I had my son 50% of the time and I also bought all of my son's school supplies, clothes, paid for extracurriculars........you get the idea.  

BM has become less and less involved in our son's life since then.  I got married in 2004 and my wife has three children as well.  My son started spending more and more time at my house. (I live about 15 minutes away from BM)  By 2005, he had pretty much moved in here.  My son was staying all night 5 to 6  out of 7 nights a week.  My wife or I would drive him to his school every morning.  BM did not participate in school conferences, football practices or games, baseball games, banquets, award ceremonies or anything else.  She would see our son maybe once a week at best.  Telephone contact was even less.......averaging about twice a month.  My son came to me in Feb 2006 and told me that he wanted to move in with me and go to school in our town.  I told him we would discuss this with his mother.  BM agreed that it was a good idea but was reluctant to change the custodial status (she had been named residential parent for school placement purposes) because she wasn't sure if she could make ends meet without recieving her child support payments.  She also expressed concern about losing her medical card and grants for school.  She said she would have to think about it.  In March, she finally agreed to the change in custody.  We got together and tried to iron out issues such as visitation and what not.  I offered her 3 weekends a month, mid week visits , summer vacation, and any time our son was not in school.  I also invited her to take part in extra curricular activities and such.  She declined saying she just wanted to pick him up every other weekend because her schedule didn't allow for her to have him so much.  I contacted my attorney, he drew up the paperwork, and she signed the agreement.  The agreement stated that we would share custody but she would pay no child support and she opted to only have standard visitation with our son.  The agreement was signed in July 2006 and filed with the courts for the judge's signature on Aug 1 2006.  We waited and waited for a response from the court and got nothing.  Finally, in October of 2006, BM got upset because we were not home one Sunday evening when she wanted to pick our son up (it was not her weekend to have him either ) and called the courthouse and revoked her signature.  Just like that the judge dismissed the agreement and set the motion for hearing. My son also started seeing a counselor to help him deal with all of this. In all the time that my son has been living with me, BM has only practiced every other weekend visitation with him and average phone contact of maybe twice a month.  She has not came to any school or sports function and I have paid child support to her the entire time.  She has also chosen NOT to participate in his counseling sessions, even though the counselor has invited her on several occasions.  

My attorney filed a motion for temporary custody until the hearing and it was granted.  BM was not pleased and called my home yelling at my son because "he started all of this".  She told him that it didn't matter what he wanted and that he was coming back to live with her.  My son was very upset and kept pleading with BM to let him stay here with  me.  He told her that she doesn't have time for him and he is happy where he is at.  She yelled obcenities at him and finally he told her that he would not go to her house for his weekend visit.  She made no effort to try to pick him up that weekend either.  4 weeks went by with no contact from BM at all.  Finally my son asked to call her and she would not speak to him.  A week later, she called back and asked him if he would like to spend the weekend with her and he agreed.  When she returned him home after the visit, she told me that she had talked with our son and that he wanted to live with me but wanted to spend 3 weekends a month with her.  She said she did not want to go to court and wanted to come to some kind of agreement.  I told her that I would speak to my attorney.  I thought we were going to settle out of court BUT BM decided she did not want to agree to anything because I asked for a small amount of child support.  She said she shouldn't have to pay me a dime.  Mind you, this entire time, I have still been paying her child support and she did not offer one cent to help with our son......not school clothes or anything.  

So now we are in December and BM is visiting about every other weekend but not civil.  My son is starting to not want to go on his visits but I have tried to encourage him to work on his relationship with his mom.  Week before Christmas, I hear tires squeeling outside and open the door.  My son is walking towards the house crying so hard he was having trouble walking.  My son tells me that BM just shoved him and told him that she wanted him out of her car.  He said that she told him she was going to sign her rights away to him and he would never see her again.  He also said that he had spend the weekend at his grandparent's house (not uncommon as he hardly ever spent the weekends with his mother) and that when he told them he didn't want to live with his mom, his grandmother got upset and started yelling at him.  She told him that if he wanted to live with his dad then she would adopt another grandson and give all of his things away.  Then she told him that I was a no good sneaky SOB and that she wanted him out of her house and not to come back.  This hurt him so badly that he told me that he never wanted to go back there again. My son spoke with his counselor about this and she and my attorney got together and filed a motion for the judge for BM to have supervised visitations.   BM called the day before Christmas Eve wanting son for the day.  He told her that he did not want to go with her but that if she wanted to come over to my house to visit him she could.  She told him no way and hung up the phone.  Finally he agreed to spend the day with her but told her that he did not want to go to his grandparents house.  Of course, they went there anyway.  A few days later, the courts granted our motion and BM was served with the order for supervised visitation.  This was a few days after Christmas and she has made no effort to see our son since then.  She has only called him 3 times as well.  She has called me once calling me all kinds of names and calling our son a liar.  She said that she can't wait to battle me in court and she hopes the judge strips me of all visitiation and that she knows she will be awarded custody.

She has also told our son that he is a liar and that the judge will make him come back with her.  She said that her and her parents never mistreated him and that they are all going to testify as to how badly he was behaving while he was visiting.   She does not show up for his basketball games even though I always have sent her a copy of his schedules.  WHen our son asked her why she doesn't come, she told him because she doesn't want to be around  his father.  Come on!  She has not seen him in over a month!  What kind of excuse is that?

Our court date is set for the middle of March.  I have a whole years worth of notes stating all of the times I have had my son, when she has picked him up, called, not picked him up, the doctors, orthodontist, counselors appointments she has not bothered to come to.......all of that stuff.  My son has been living with me now for 7 months.  When we go to court, it will be 9 months.

I guess I am just here for some support and thought maybe some of you could share some advice or tips or whatever with me.  Is there anything else I should be doing?  

Thank yo so much for reading this.........I know it was long but had to get it all out.

[mistoffolees]

Sounds like your son would benefit from some counseling. Are you doing that?

[krazyfamily_6]

Yes, I stated that in my post.  He started counseling in Septmeber.  He sees her every other week and BM has chosen not to participate.

[HelpingHands]

Ask that a GAL be appointed to represent the child's best interest. They will interview your son and others involved in his life.

Is son talking to therapist about the things his mother and grandmother is doing? Get a copy of the therapy notes- make sure the records are certified copies and submit them as evidence :)

[janM]

If you do get the records, you will need the therapist in court to interpret them. Otherwise I believe they will be hearsay. The other side will need a chance to cross-examine.

It's always best to have a third party testify as to his state of mind and his preferences and concerns. If son is in genuine distress over these visits, he/she will say so.

[notnew]

It sounds to me like you have nothing to worry about. has your attorney supboened the counselor to testify? In our state a waiver has to be filed with and approved by the court waiving the child's right to psycholigcal privlidge. This requires an attorney to represent the child (usually a nominal $150 fee for each party). The counselor can and should provide the input from his/her experiences. Especially since BM has been invited to participate and refused.

I know you are nervous, but your case sounds very strong.

Good luck. I believe your son will be staying with you. You must have a wonderful wife too. It sounds like you've got a great family and I think you don't have to worry about a custody change. It will just be time that is needed for your son to heal from the damage his mother has inflicted on him. What is wrong with some people?

[krazyfamily_6]

Thank you all for your input and advice.  

Yes, my attorney is going to  subpoena my son's counselor.  She has already written a statement to the judge stating what my son had told her about visiting with BM and her parents.......and the judge ordered the supervised visitation.  It is through a local visitation center here but she  has failed to set anything up yet.  BM told our son that it was set up weeks ago and that I failed to call the center back.  (another lie) Then BM told me just the other day that she just called the center last week.  BM also told our son that her parents call my house to talk to our son and I refuse to let them speak to him. (another lie).  

I never wanted to come between my son and his mother.  All I ever wanted for him was to have two parents who love him and want to do what is best for him.  I feel that she has left me no choice because my son does not deserve to be treated that way, no child does.  I have tried so hard to bring the two of them together, but BM only wants to spend time on her terms and if she doesn't get her way, everyone suffers, especially my son.  But as his counselor keeps reminding us.........we can't change what other people do........

I know I have a strong case, I just can't help but to worry a bit.  She pulls off the "poor single mother" act so well..........  I feel pretty confident that I have enough evidence this time to assure that my son can remain in this stable environment.  

Oh, and yes, I do have a wonderful wife.........she has been loving and supportive to my son through all of this.  

Thanks!