Looking for Ideal Life for my daughter

[amariej]

Hi,

I am so very torn in two different directions.  My situation is that I'm divorcing my 2 year old daughter's father for many reasons including the fact that he doesn't respect me, drinks unresponsibly and doesn't generally share my outlook on life.

I am a staff member at Mount Calvary Lutheran Church in Minnesota and have over 20 people that would passionately fight for me should I want to full custody of Makenna.

However, her dad wants to share parenting time with me 50/50.  I want him to be a part of her life - I think its important - and I don't ever want her to feel like she shouldn't love her father, but in light of the fact that he doesn't listen to me or take me seriously, I don't feel like I can trust him to take gentle and thoughtful care of her.  He means well, but follow through isn't his specialty.

For example, I found out (through Makenna) that there was a man staying at Joe's house - possibly to be a roommate (he can't afford teh mortgage without me).  I understand that he needs a roommate, but he was planning on letting the roomate move into makenna's room and having her share a bedroom with her father.  He thinks this is appropriate.  I do not... especially in light of the fact that he is sexually active and planning on having guests.  And even though he swears he won't while makenna's at home, the idea of her sleeping in his/their bedroom disturbs me.  Especially when she has her own room at my house.

I don't want to be rediculously traditional for the sake of being traditional, I want to do what's best for her ~ I no longer trust him and I don't know what to do!

Looking for what's best,
Annette Harstad

[mistoffolees]

In general, the overriding consideration (IMHO) is that children should spend equal time with both parents unless there's evidence that they're being harmed. Differences in parenting shouldn't enter into the equation.

So I'd say that unless there's evidence that she's being harmed, 50:50 is preferable. if he has to have a roommate to handle that, he should probably consider getting rid of the house and renting or something, but that's not your problem.

I would, however, say that the daughter needs to have a place of her own - her own bed and her own quiet place -- and then leave it up to him to figure out how to do that in his circumstances.

IMHO, of course.

[Giggles]

my DD was 2 and we did the shared parenting even though I had many of the same fears you do...guess what?  DD (now 15) is a very well adjusted teenager (well as adjusted as any teen can be..hehehe) and did VERY well under a shared parenting plan!!

Yes there are going to be differences in "parenting styles" but the major factor to have is good CO-Parenting ability!!  My X and I divorced and remained friends for the sake of our daughter.  She learned that she couldn't pit Mom against Dad and vice versa.  If a "big" issue came up, we as parents could discuss it and take of it.

Just remember what he does on his time is HIS business...and the same applies for you.  Perhaps you could work in the CO that no unmarried overnight guests of the opposite sex is allowed in the residence while the child is present???