Tricky Situation - Custody after long separation & divorce

[globalgem]

I'm hoping someone here might have some advise or *possibly* has been in a similar situation... I apologise that this post is very long! It is a bit of a vent but also a backstory. Any comments or suggestions are most welcome. Anyone who has any experience with being active duty and command sponsering step-children, please share!

I left my now ex-husband over 5 years ago with our son who was 18 mo. For five years we had very little contact, no regular support, no involvement. Late in 2005 my now ex moved close to where we are and wanted to "resume" being a parent. I allowed our son to visit his dad regularly, working up to every weekend. I also finally filed for divorce, there was and remains no way that we can reconcile.

Our son suffered two serious injuries while in his father's care; a broken collarbone and a dislocated thumb. His father called me about the broken collarbone, said he didn't know what was wrong and was not responsiblie enough to get our son to the ER himself. These injuries and a combination of other irresponsible behavior (backing out of a planned weekend visitation because there happened to be a festival he wanted to go to) really made me question whether regular visitation was the best thing but at the same time knowing that my son was enjoying time with his "new" dad.

The last straw was his father "forgetting" to pick him up from daycare on a new "midweek visitation plan" - he had requested every other weekend and Wednesdays. I agreed but once he failed to pick up our son from daycare that Wednesday night I decided to stop visitation. That was in October of 06.

Four days before Christmas his father picked him up from daycare. We had no prior arangement for this visitation, nor would he answer his phone when I called him, frantic. They were not at his house, I couldn't find them. Needless to say I got the police involved, to no avail as there was no court order preventing him from picking up his son if he wished to do so.

For two days I didn't get any word from him. Finally he called, apologised and acknowledged that what he did was wrong and offered to meet and drop off our son with me. Following this incident I continued, with my lawyers advise, to not allow visitation.

He applied for visitation, we had a court date this past June and judge granted regular visitation, every other weekend and stipulated that our son will continue to live with me. Our divorce is finialized, however, we still have a long custody battle ahead of us. He wants our son to live with him now and change schools.

On top of all this, I've had a steady boyfriend for 3 years who is active duty military. We have an infant son together and now that I am finally divorced, we want to get married. He has just been deployed and is worried about us all being taken care of financially if something were to happen to him.

My ex won't allow me to re-new my son's passport nor move to be with my finace upon his return from the mid-east; he has already been re-located since July and only just left for his deployment.

Ultimately I would support visitation. What I don't agree with is him suddenly controlling where we can live, we he can go to school, etc. when for 5 years he could have cared less. I feel completely stuck between a rock and a hard place; the judge doesn't seem to realize that there is no real history of co-parenting. He expects us to be able to communicate and agree on our son's schooling, living arrangements, etc. when we can't talk to each other. We communication via email but we disagree about everything. I am so completely frustrated I don't know what to do anymore.

ANY comments, suggestions, anything is appreciated!

Thanks for reading.

[MixedBag]

Tricky is right because you have many factors going into this.

Therefore, this is no cut and dry "THIS is what court is going to do" answer.

Court will focus on what's best for the child.

A parenting relationship with both parents is what's important.

Dad woke up and moved to be closer to his son.

Many courts will not allow the child to move -- you can go, but not the child.  Many courts will allow the child to move.  There's no real saying which way it will go.  State laws and case laws within each state give more of a clue as to what will happen.

My son too has sustained injuries while he is/was in my care -- but neither one of them that you listed was "life threatening", so I would be careful (check your emotions on this) of calling them life-threatening.

I once broke my elbow -- and it was days later before we figured it out.  It happens.  My daughter was jumping on the bed at Grandmas' house and fell off.  A few days later after she continued complaining, we figured out she had a broken collar bone.  Did that make my parent's negligent?  Nope...  so check your emotions when you're evaluating what's going on.

It's difficult to step back and see what's best for the child.

BTW -- yes, you have good reason to be angry that your child's other parent disappeared like that for years.....but now he's back.  And he's trying....

Maybe the best bet is to see if he will agree to a long distance plan for parenting time.

[mistoffolees]

With the number of issues involved, you need to work with a good attorney.

In general, status quo matters. You've had the child for a long time with little involvement from the father (and he's now up to EOW which he sometimes does not exercise). In order for him to obtain custody in this situation, he's going to need some pretty strong reasons to make a change. If you've been a good parent and there are no skeletons hanging around in your closet, it's unlikely to happen IMHO.

Your ability to move might become an issue. Is there anything about it in the divorce decree? If so, you have to follow the decree or petition the court for a change. If there's nothing about it in the decree or in your state's laws, then he has to petition to stop it. In my case, we have to provide EX with 90 days notice of an intention to move and they can then choose whether to challenge it or not. Your situation might be different and an attorney can tell you.

It is not that unusual for one parent to move - even a fairly long distance. How far away are you planning to move? If it's still within a reasonable distance for EOW, it may not be an issue at all. If it's far enough that EX will not be able to exercise EOW, it could get tricky, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to do it. Again, it happens all the time. Since you are (and have been for 5 years) the primary caregiver - and the only parent in the child's life, it will be hard for father to prevent a move - as long as it's within the US. Not impossible, but hard IMHO.

Note that there is a pretty good chance that you'll be paying some or all of the transportation costs since you're the one moving away. If you and EX can agree on these issues, it will be less painful and costly than if you have to fight it out in court. Even if you agree, however, make sure you get a signed court order affirming it.

Passports can be an issue. You'll probably need to petition the court for the right to renew the passport since you can't do it without EX's permission. At the same time, you'll want to have the court approve international travel (presumably with some limits - perhaps trips of no more than 30 days without EX's permission). If you've been in the habit of traveling internationally with the child in the past, this is almost routine. If you've never traveled internationally before, judge might need to be convinced that you're not a flight risk.

In looking at all of this, though, pay attention to what MixedBag said. The father may be completely inept and hopeless in your view, but it does look like he's trying. For your child's sake, please try to encourage as much of a relationship with the father as possible - even if it means some sacrifice on your part.

Good luck.