My story

[ADadAway]

I've never sought out any help or support before now.  I am at the point where I need to. I need to heal and make some changes.

I was married for ten years and I have two beautiful daughters who are now 13 and 8.  The marriage was never a good one.  I had called it off about six months prior to the date, but reconsidered about a month later.  I've never considered it a mistake because we brought two children into the world.

I can fully admit that I wasn't the best husband, far from it.  I never abused her or hit her even when she pulled a knife on me.  I tried hard to work things out and squelch my feelings for years.  

It got so horrible that one night she tried to throw a television down the stairs that my parents had given our kids as a present.  She was furious that they would do something like that without clearing it with us first.  I didn't understand that point of view but asked why she would accept it then try to destroy something?  Destroying objects out of anger has never made any sense to me.  Her screaming got so bad that my oldest daughter who was about eight at the time got in her face and told her, "You stop yelling at my daddy!"  She hauled off on my daughter, slapping her hard enough across the face to spin her around and knock her to the floor.  

I got in front of her, picked her up by the shirt and threw her across the room onto the couch.  I was never so hurt or angry in my entire life, she knew I was at my breaking point and calmed down immediately.  I went to my daughter and consoled her then I went to the phone to dial 911.  I remember feeling every horrible emotion imaginable as I held that phone in my hand.  Anger, fear, but most of all embarrassment.  How could I have let things get to this point?  My ex begged me not to call. Swore that she would never do anything like that again, and that she was sorry.  That she didn't know what had overcome her.   I hung up.

It was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.

Some time later my father became ill and passed away.  I went to my parents house to help with his illness and to help my mother after dad passed.

When I came home I was a complete mess.  I was trying to make a carreer change and went to a party with a prospective business partner.  I drank too much and was picked up for DUI.  Instead of calling my then wife I called an old friend of mine to come and pick me up.  That night I poured out my misery in sob after racking sob.  I had to end my marriage.  When I went home the next day I told her that I wanted a divorce.  She knew I meant it as I had never said those words before.  She had said them to me since the earliest days of our marriage routinely when we would get into an argument.  I had always apologized for whatever I had done, or even when I had done nothing.

It was very strange.  From that point on she became a different person.  She was nice to me, wasn't angry all the time.  We would sit up and talk at night like we had never done before.  Finally being honest with each other, at least that is what I thought, I know that I was.  

During this period of "separation" I "saw" another woman.  I say "saw" because I didn't engage in a physical relationship, but rather an emotional one.  One night during one of our talks my ex asked me who she was.  I answered with a name.  I could feel the change come over her.  She was no longer nice ever again.  Obviously that was my second mistake.  I should have just gotten a divorce without revealing that, but I'm not sure how things would have gone had I not.

A week or two later I got a call while I was at work to tell me that she had moved out, and taken herself and the kids to her parents house.  

During this period, the divorce process, I was allowed to see my children on a reasonable basis.  It was a hard process.  I had to rely on her more then I would have liked.  I was without driving priveledges, so I had to walk over a mile in mountainous area to get to the bus station to go to work.  She would bring the kids over and would take me food shopping "to make sure the children eat properly while they were with me"  Emotionally I don't know how I survived those days.  Long walks alone twice a day, going home to an empty house, seeing their empty room where they used to play.  I went through some tremendous changes and became strong through suffering.

My ex didn't like anything the county arbitraters had to say about custody.  She always assumed that she would automatically get the kids.  She fought hard and nasty.  All I wanted was to get it over with.  Eventually we were divorced and were given joint custody with my ex having primary physical custody.  My visitation was reasonable and agreeable to me.

At that time I was unemployed and had to rely on my mother for support while I looked for work.  I then entered into a relationship with the woman who is now my wonderful wife.  The problem was that she lived in another state 900 miles away with her three children.  Eventually I made the decision to move here.  I had become a step dad to her children and got a much better job here eventually.  

As soon as I moved here my ex filed for full custody.  She knew this was her chance as I had no means to pay for an attorney (the job came later).  She now has full custody and I have no visitation rights.  So after I got a job I payed my child support and buyed my time.  Just as I was saving enough money to start the process again (filing for visitation rights) the economy went south and I lost my job.  As soon as the child support stopped she filed a grievance with the court, again knowing that I wasn't in the financial position to fight her.  I did write the judge a letter, and he apparantly listened because some of the crazy things she was asking for were denied.  Obviously though they hit my checking account for my arrears.  I'm not upset about that as I realize it's my responsibility to pay it, I was just pissed at the time as I had checks out for things like the house and bills.  

About a year ago I had a very disturbing conversation with my oldest daughter.  To back track a little she was very upset with me moving away and things were very rocky between us.  Then when 9/11 happened I called her and we spent about three hours on the phone discussing her thoughts and fears.  For a long time our relationship as it was over the phone, was great.  We talked at least once a week and we really made some progress.  Then I had that conversation with her and she was very negative with me.  I know it was something her mother was chiming in her ear about, but the result was that I've not called in a long time.  It's been about a year.

Right now I am emotionally drained.  I wake up in the middle of the night, hardly getting a good nights rest.  I know not calling is a terrible thing to do with them, but it's gotten to the point where I'm terrified to make that first step again.  I could write to them, but I know that my ex would take that and use that against me.  I know I'm not a terrible person.  I know that I'm a good father, but right now I'm an absentee father who isn't doing what he should: make that call.

I also need to get something through the system to get visitation again.  It's tearing me apart not to see them.  Things set me off.  Like if Mary Poppins or Mrs Doubtfire comes on, two movies my children always loved, I fall apart.  

To make things worse the consulting job that I had gotten which was just getting me back on my feet again went away suddenly.  I'm having trouble financially and am now quite in the hole with child support.  I have some interviews coming up, but I know that once I get a job again I won't have the time for a court fight for a while until I get the time in at work to be able to take care of that, to build up a bit of a record paying the support, and a record with my employer for some time off.  It's a catch-22.  Right now I've got the time, but not the money.

So now I need some advice and help.  I need to take care of the things I need to take care of.  

Can anyone assist me in some support groups?  Possibly a lawyer referral that would either work with me or perhaps some sort of legal aid?

Thank you for the time in allowing me to vent all of this.  I've not had the opportunity to do that in quite some time.  I'm sorry this was so long, but even if no one replies to me it has helped me to get some of this out, to release some of the terrible burden I feel.

[Brent]

As far as hiring an attorney, here are a couple of pages that may help:

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

SPARC Professional Services Directory (Attorney referrals)
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/attysearch.htm


Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm


Another thing you'll hear around here frequently is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is important if you expect to go to court, contest custody, request joint/shared parenting, etc. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT)  or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.