my kid's flunking third grade!

[antonin]

1. My ex filed for divorce in 9-01. She snatched daughter and moved 65 miles away.
2. She enrolled daughter in an inferior school district with lousy state scores: Daughter was scheduled to start first grade in a Montessori school. That of course did not happen.
3. During the FOC evaluation, I stressed the fact that daughter would do better in school district where I lived or in the Montessori school: this fell on deaf ears.
4. I have had 50/50 custody of my daughter since Oct 03. I moved 65 milles to where daughter lives and commute 130 mi RT each day to work. I have tried and tried to help her, but two years of this lousy school system have screwed her up along with two years of mother never helping her with her schoolwork, etc.
5. I went to parent-teacher conferences tonight.
6. My daughter is about 30% below grade level.
7. I found out through the teacher (mother attended a separate conference earlier) that mother wishes to hold daughter back a grade. Daughter is in third grade. Mother claims daughter has been struggling since first grade. (After telling FOC evaluator that the schools daughter was in were "good" schools.) Mind you, daughter can pass third grade: it is the mother's desire to hold her back, not mandadted by the teacher.
8. I knew this was going to happen.
9. Mother has no idea of how a child is educated or how they learn
10.  I have several degrees in education, have taught for 30 years, and can't believe the crazy generalization the mother makes when discussing daughter's school.
11. My plan is to enroll daughter in a Kumon or Sylan center starting now and see where she is at at end of summer. I think mother will go along with this.
12. I am concerned with the psychological effect on my daughter if she finds out in August that she has flunked third grade.
13.What are your thoughts?
Have any of you had kids that were held back? How'd they turn out?

[joni]

Man Antonin, you can't catch a break baby.  Life sucks when you walk up a sandhill.  Take one step forward, slip down two.  I'll think good thoughts for you and your child.

My feeling is that you need to decide if this is an emotional or academic issue....or possibly both.

I know of two people who were held back as children.  Both state in retrospect that it was emotional issues.  One's mother stated it was that the child was quite immature compared to the rest of the class so the mother decided to hold the child back.  The child had an August bday so was the youngest in the class anyway.  This was 2nd grade.

The other friend made a statement that it was stress due to home life.  She was tired, stressed, didn't pay attention in school.  This was 5th grade.

Both people are wonderful, successful adults.

I think your game plan is right on for the learning centers.  They should definately make up some ground by August so you'll have a better indication to make a decision.  

Of course with you up to speed and you enrolling her, if she establishes new habits through the center and your involvement, she may be able to turn this around.  Most learning habits and self esteem issues are established between 6-9 y.o. so you're right there.

[antonin]

okay..thanks!

[skye]

I would do everything possible to keep that from happening as a matter of fact with 50?50 you can tell the school you refuse to accept that and she would have to get court approval to do it then....

My story I moved from another state ...totally different levels, when we moved here my daughters were 1st and 2nd grade.. my oldest daughter did well in all but reading she was way below this schools reading level.. I was young and did not know much about it at the time but the principle called me one day and asked to meet with me... he felt that I should "place" her back in 1st due to her reading level.. it was explained to me that it would be better for her and that way she could improve instead of spending the remainder of the year and possible every other year struggling... so I agreed... it was the STUPIDIST mistake I ever made... doont get me wrong my daughter is a straight A student, she excels in all areas now and has been accepted to the gifted classes next year... but ALL her friends made fun of her or were not her friends anymore.. and her sister was then in the same grade with her... and let me tell you.. that is probably the hardest part for her .. when she says shes in 6th grade and her sister says I am too and her sister is a year and a half younger ... she feels like she always has to explain .. I did not fail or anything .. my mom placed me back...

[Astro]

I don't know if you've read any of my relatively rare past posts so I will try to make this as short as possible.

I have/had a very similar situation to yours.  My ex took our child 210 miles away to another state and enrolled him in school there.  The schools where he lived are easily a year behind the schools here where I live.  My son has a myriad of eye problems (unbeknownst to us until last year) and is definitely behind in reading.  Two months ago my ex called me and wanted me to take our son (age 9) until at least the end of the school year because she could not make him do the work, he was being "difficult" with her, etc.  Of course I jumped at the chance and am HOPING it is a permanent thing!

One of the immediate issues I had was the decision of whether or not to hold him back--he was in 4th grade there and is in 3rd grade now.  My only wish is that he is successful in life and confident (well, not only but you know....).  Actually the decision was excruciating.  His mother did not want me to, of course he did not want to, heck--I didn't WANT to.  BUT I did not want him to struggle when he was already behind and putting him in the same grade here would've made the situation even worse because they are so much farther ahead.  I certainly did not want him to have the attached stigma of "flunking" (which he was not--there.  No Child Left Behind is something I take great issue with--I'll tackle that one some other day).  

I spoke with the principal and teachers of both the 3rd and 4th grades here at his school and discussed the issues with his eyesight problems, his reading and comprehension, handwriting, etc.  I then had the teachers call his (then) present teacher to discuss matters because his teacher would not communicate with me.  To my surprise his teacher also thought that holding him back would be a good idea.  I sincerely felt that it would be in my son's best interest to hold him back.  Believe me---it was an extremely difficult decision.

So now I had to break the news to my son.  In the beginning he was mortified.  But I, over the course of three days before he started in his new school, slowly convinced him that it was the best thing.  One argument was that he would be in a new school where almost no one knew him and they wouldn't know the difference--especially because all of the kids in his grade were the same age.  I also asked him what he felt when he saw the other kids getting good grades and his were only so-so--and then how he would feel when he was very possibly going to be ahead *wink* of everyone and school might just be easier because he might have already learned the material.  I asked him what kind of person he wanted to be when he grew up--one who has a boring life and job they hate because they're not smart enough to do better--or one who can do anything they want, be happy, and have the things they want because they cared about learning and themselves.  I used myself as an example--telling him I thought that I have one of the best jobs in world--I am doing what I absolutely love, I get to be at home the majority of the time, and I get to help people at the same time--but I wouldn't have this job if I didn't work hard in school and try to learn everything that I could.  Being a boy, he loves bikes, tools, animals, bugs, GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip, etc.  :7  I asked him if he wanted the right tools to do well in life--and then made the correlation of tools as he would know them into the tools of reading, spelling, math, etc.  It clicked I think.

During the course of those three days I would just throw out a question and ask him to think about it--and then bring it up an hour or two later and ask him what he thought.  By Sunday before school he had made the decision himself that it would be a good idea.  He had trepidations--but he wanted to do well.

*************
Today we also had Parent-Teacher Conferences.  He brought home A's and B's and his teacher said he's doing very well.  He is struggling still with his reading (as are the rest of the boys in his class--THERE'S another topic) but improving.  His A+ in spelling is due to our diligence in going over the spelling list nightly.  He is on par or exceeding in almost all areas.  The principal said that he's always smiling and is popular.

The best thing, though, is that almost everyday he says to me, "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow."  We still struggle some at getting the homework done or the nightly eye exercises completed--but it is getting better.  It certainly was not being done at his mother's at all.  

I think I was worried most about the stigma--both in his perception and in other's.  So far absolutely nothing has come of it.  The decision was mine--not because he was failing--he was being set up to fail and I hope that we've turned in the right direction.

*****
I don't know if I've really answered any of your questions--I am only relating my experience so far.  I think the idea of the Sylvan Center and work through the summer is good.  Perhaps have a talk with your daughter and ask her how she thinks that she's doing.  Present to her slowly the idea of making sure she has the right tools to be successful and happy.  Let her know that you just want to make sure that she can have everything that she wants in life but that it takes work so that someday she can make it all happen on her own.  When I used these kinds of "arguments" with my ex there was no way she could disagree.  Even if I only have him for the rest of the school year and no more I think it's made a difference.

Hope this helps somehow....

[StPaulieGirl]

Okay, let's go with "inferior schools" first.  Most public schools are inferior these days. It's a wonder any kids can read.  You might want to look up that Federal program called "no child left behind".  They have arbitrary standards for every child in this country.

I had to agree to have my 9 yr old tested for learning disabilities.  She doesn't have any, so they diagnosed her with severe depression.  This covers all our butts, I guess.  Just look it up, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.  The timeframe is just about right for both our kids problems starting.  They implemented this program approximately 3 yrs ago.

My son has had emotional problems since he was in diapers.  Mind you his father and I finally separated when he was 12.  I practically begged the school to hold him back in Kindergarten because I was concerned.  They wouldn't do it.  Time marched on, and they finally did hold him back....in 7th grade.  Here's something interesting: he was put into an SED class...all boys, one classroom.  He ended up getting a 3.82 GPA.

 That is the last decent GPA he's ever gotten.  We moved to a AAA school district, and it isn't working for these kids.  Due to health problems (3 bouts of pneumonia in 12 months), he is now on home studies.  It's great!   He and I sit and do his schoolwork, which is an absolute first.  A young teacher who had him in his class, volunteered to come 3 days a week after school to work with him, and give him his assignments.  This is totally recent, but I'm really hopeful.  This is about the only good thing going on right now in this family.

I can't comment on Kumon or Sylvan, because I don't know anything about the programs firsthand.  It's too bad you can't homeschool her.  I've heard great things about the achievement levels of homeschoolers.  Top rated colleges are taking note and are actively recruiting homeschooled students.

Being held back doesn't have to be that much of a stigma. What is worse is the horrible pressure on children to reach the mandated criteria.  How does a child learn in that kind of enviroment?  What happens when they don't want to go to school anymore, because they're scared and burned out at 9?  This sucks.

[antonin]

Thank you for for insighful and helpful post..you obviously spent much time and thought on this.

[hisliltulip]

Ok, #1  Yup, the commute sucks, but you're not the only one doing it.  I commute 150 RT every day.  Plus on weekends that ex wants to see our son, I drive 75 miles home, pick up son, then drive 130 miles to the "half-way" point.  WHY?  Because I refuse to go on assistance, and I work my butt off so that ex-hub doesn't have to pay more CS.  Right now I could hit him for an additional $300/month, but I choose not to.

#2 I wouldn't hold daughter back if you can at all get around it.  Kids can be cruel, and right now is where her self-esteem is growing.  Get her a tutor, or enroll her in a center.  It's only April.  

A few months of intense tutorial help could work wonders!

Good luck, and Drive Safe!

BETH

[Peanutsdad]

I myself was held back a grade,, and went to school in Texas. As an educator you probably know just how low in the national rankings Texas is.

I ended up graduating from collage with a 4.0, made the national dean's list and am quite successful in my respective field.

[wendl]

I think enrolling her in Slyvan center or some kind of learning center would be great. I know I was held back by my mother in first grade and it was HELL I got teased everyday etc.

My son is almost 12 he had problems with reading in 3rd grade and his teacher suggested putting him in the before school reading program to help him catch up to the class, it worked wonders.

Can you enroll her in the Kumon or Sylan center now in hope that she can get caught up and move to the next grade with her classmates??

I wish you and your daughter luck.