visitation

[dsmith]

I am the custodial step parent of my SD12.  She has not seen or spoken to her mom for over 1 year.  My DH and I would like her to be able to have a relationship with her mother, but it is not acceptable for her to go 'hang out' at her moms house.  BM has an order for Supervised visits due to alcohol abuse and neglect.   A family member who lives with SD's mother molested SD.  I really want SD to have contact with her mom, but her safety is #1.  Her mom so far has refused to come to the supervised visits.  She said she cant afford them.  My DH is thinking about sending SD's mother a letter offering to pay for the visits for a few months, if she comes consistently for say 6 months he will consider supervising the visits himself in the town she lives in so she does not have to travel so far (she doesnot have a car/DL so she has to take the bus)

Does anyone have any suggestions or would anyone share if they had a difficult situation where they were worried about the childs safety, how they maintained the safety as well as the relationship between the child and the parent.  We are at a loss for what to do and SD is really missing her mom, and her mom is making no effort to help the situation

[MixedBag]

You're right in that both mom and dad have to make an effort....and if BM isn't doing that both she and the child are gonna suffer.  

Just how much dad is willing to help and what is right, is really a question only you two can answer because you know your situation the bestest and what to avoid.

You don't HAVE to stick to what's in the order.....As a CP, I've given extra time to the EX lots of times.  As an NCP, I don't receive an extra minute.....so you have both kinds of parents out there.

I suggest that you give it a try to a level you two (or mainly dad and daughter) are comfortable with.

Try once -- see how it goes..... and then decide.

Actually let me edit to add our experience where I'm the Step-mom.  DH's two girls left their mother to come live with Dad.  They talked to her a lot (argued with her a lot), and it took 3 years before either one of them agreed to get on a plane (she bought the tickets) to go see her.  The time was well, about 50/50 to be honest, 3 or 4 days total.  Then the MSD went again this summer, and didn't have a good time at all.  We reminded her ONCE about what happened the previous trip, but she was all excited to go.....and got off the plane and said "Never again."  In those three years, BM didn't come to several significant events that would never happen again (I can think of 4) that most mothers will swear they'd never miss inspite of hating the evil SM (me).  

So try it once....and then see how the child feels.