She forgot them again

[forthekids24]

Second time in 2 months.

She is telling the kids that DH and I are doing everything we can to keep them from her, but she can't even show when she is supposed to have them.  Of course it is our fault, not hers.  Sheesh!

Any way this could come back to bite us??  We took the calendar we made for the kids away.  They were calling their mom and reminding her of when she was supposed to have them for the weekend.  In the 3 months since we did that she has only remembered the kids one time.

DH sent PBFH a letter last time she forgot and told her to make sure she understands the court order and when she is to have the kids.  He also offered to send her a calendar and that if she was not sure to call him to find out when she is scheduled to have the kids.  She didn't want the calendar and has never asked for help on understanding the court order.  It is really not that complex.... but she is really stupid, must confuse her.

It is starting to look like we will be going back to court.  PBFH wants her old visitation schedule from before she moved away back.  EOW and 1 overnight during the week.  We have plenty of proof that the kids are healthier and doing better in school since PBFH stipulated to one weekend a month and no overnights during school time.

Oh well.... I knew it would get worse when she moved back.

Thanks for listening
FTK

[joni]

Please don't be offended by what I'm about to say.  I'm trying to be objective.  As crappy as her maternal instinct is, she still is their mother and the kids love her despite this and she should be participatory in their lives.  IT IS A SHAME that you have to guide her like a child but it is what it is and that's why I'm sure you have custody.    I'm sure in a moment, they would never want to live with her but they must want to see her if they were using the calendar to remind her of visitations.  I read that and it made me sad for the children, acting more like an adult than her.

I think it makes you look bad, in the very least, the childrens' eyes when on one hand, mom is bitchin' to the kids that DH is keeping her from them and then you turn around and take their 'mommy' calendar away from them???  I think that's reinforcing what she's telling them.

What harm is it that she sees them one weekend a month?  Is she abusing them?  Is she endangering them?  I think the children are being set up for disappointment and on some level, you have to take responsibility for that.  What is the harm in reminding her?  As pathetic as it is for her as a parent, I think it's truly an example that the children are the victim here.

Give the kids back the calendar and let them deal with their mother's unreliability.  They already know her for what she is.  

You know mom isn't going to get her old visitation back when you can prove to the judge she hasn't shown up in 3 months, she's gotten letters from you addressing this and she doesn't show unless you remind her.  Also, it's going to take some money to make this happen on her part and do you really think that'll be the case?  And if so, you have the proof in your corner.

[forthekids24]

Thanks Joni,

I really appreciate your opinion.  

We would love it if she would pariticpate in their lives, but she does so only when it is convenient to her. (Which is never)

We took the calendar away since it was outdated (it was for the previous school year) we just never replaced it with a new one.

It was stressing out OSD having to call her mom and remind her of when she was to pick them up for visitation.   DH and I made the decision and communicated to PBFH that she was responsible for understanding when she was to have the kids.  She makes no effort to be involved in their lives, DH was trying to force her to be a parent.

DH divorced her because she is not able to take care of herself, having DH continually manage her and her parenting responsibilities has been taking its toll on him.  He made the decision that he was not going to babysit her anymore, and this is what we got.  Hostility from her.  DH even offered to send her a calendar so she would know when she was to have the kids.... she never responded.

The old saying holds true, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

FTK

[dsm]

I think that FTK did right by taking the calendar from the children - if they are being put in a position where their mother is relying on them to tell her when she is supposed to see them.  That's not right for the kids - they need to be concentrating on 'kid stuff' - playing, school, friends, not on whether their parents are doing what they are supposed to be.  

I do agree that in order to give enough ammo for the argument that the mom in this case is not proactive in her children's lives, that FTK should give a reminder email or phone call early in the week - confirm pickup and dropoff.  But to do much more than that is way overboard IMHO.  At some point the mom needs to step up and be a mom - and work with FTK to cooperate in what is happening with the kids.

Granted, yes, the kids probably do miss their mom and want to see her.  What FTK can do is to have them write their mom - send her pictures they have drawn/colored, cards, art projects from school, essays written, etc.  When they have programs going on, to call their mom and ask her about coming to it.  But it is also important that they realize that their mom is the one responsible for whether she takes time with them - not their dad and not themselves as her children.


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 22 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....