Ex-wife is severly hurting my family's relationships

[srobar]

My husband and I have had issues with his ex-wife since we first began dating. She's vandalized and stolen our property, as well as harrassed me at work and assaulted me. There were never any witnesses, so nothing was ever done to punish her, besides the fact that the police officer told us that they didn't like to put mothers in jail for little things like this.

Yes, she has physical custody of their two children, ages 13 and 7. They share LEGAL custody, however, my husband is never allowed to jointly make decisions. His ex calls him and leaves him messages about what she's done and how much money he owes her for whatever it is.

She has since remarried and has a two-year old son. My husband and I have a 3 year old daughter. While I was pregnant, she dragged us into court over what started as a paternity suit over their youngest, who was born out of wedlock. (They've been divorced for 11 years, but at one point in time had attempted to get back together). We were in court for months, and she even went so far as to try to get me barred from visitation. The older child had an in-camera interview with the judge and it was determined that there were absolutely no grounds to prevent me from being present in my own home during visitation. The stress of it all nearly caused me to lose our daughter.

To this day, hearing her voice or seeing her causes me to feel violently ill. Now her actions and words are affecting my little girl, who only knows that she has a brother and sister that can't live with her that she loves and misses. We haven't seen the kids in a month now. We're supposed to have them every other weekend, as well as the extra time in the summer.

We didn't get all the summer time that my husband is entitled to, because "their little brother would miss them too much,"; "they will be bored without their friends,"; "they don't like the food your ***** cooks"; etc., etc. Anymore both kids parrot their mother's words, so it's hard to know what they think and feel for themselves.

Slowly, the kids are being pulled further and further away. We have no sense of family with them. The teenager actually told my husband that she wishes that my daughter had never been born and that I didn't exist. The kids never acted that way towards us until the last couple of years. At one point in time, they said they were glad their dad had found me because he was happy now, even though they were sad that he couldn't work things out with their mom.

My husband has just given up, but I don't want to give up. We don't have the money to go back to court with a lawyer. He works at night and must sleep during the day. I hate to say it, but sometimes I'm almost releived when she doesn't let the kids come over, but I feel terrible about it. I'm not the parent, so my hands are tied, but I desperately want the hurting to stop for my husband and daughter.

I don't know what to do. I know that the parents need to work this out, but since my husband is so tired of fighting and feels like he's just making his kids' life more miserable, he doesn't want to do anything to rock the boat, scared that what little time he ends up with will end. They never even call him anymore, and are never available when he calls them.

I'm sure our story isn't unique, but I'm not divorced, nor had I ever had children until my daughter was born and I'm clueless of how to handle this situation. My family tells me to give up the entire relationship and start over - nice advice. I just don't know where to turn.

Can anyone help me?

[williaer]

PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST

You can not undo what she does to them. All you can do is be good to them when they are there- be fair and honest. Let them know when they have hurt your feelings- but outside of that...you can do nothing. This woman still wants your husband- that is obvious...you can't make her stop wanting him, or your life. There is a great board on ivillage.com, it's just called : stepmothers, if you do a search on ivillage you will find it under discussion boards...those women have been life savers to me. They never judge you for any feelings you have (including wishing the skids away!)
Hang in there and do something nice for your own daughter. Have you guys ever thought of having another baby??? We are haivng one now and I think it's going to be good for my son to have a full time sibling at home.

Good luck!!!

[srobar]

Thank you for your advice. Yes, we have thought about having another baby. Money is pretty tight right now, but we definitely hope to have another within the next couple of years. I'm a little scared it will escalate things, but at least our daughter won't have to grow up in the house alone. She desperately wants a baby brother or sister and keeps asking me if the baby is in my belly yet. I just don't understand how anyone could not love that bright, charming little thing, despite all of the other issues. The kids seemingly don't try to fight to see their sister or call her. If I let her call over there, then the EX says I'm telling her what to say to "brag" about where we go, what we do, etc., when the kids aren't there. It's totally untrue. If you knew my daughter, she has a mind of her own and her verbal ability is nearly that of a 5 or 6 year old (that's what doc says). She would never knowingly hurt anyone's feelings. She's only 3 for crying out loud. I try so hard to do the things that you say, but I can't sleep and my husband and I end up in stupid arguments from all the stress. Sometimes I feel as if he's blaming me, but I know in my heart he's not. He's just hurting and lashes out at the closest person - me. You know, I wonder how her new husband feels about this? She takes him with her to visit my husband's mother and stepdad in Memphis. They helped them move recently. His mom rarely calls him - just gets info on us and our daughter from EX. Thanks for your advice. It's nice being able to get some of this head trash out.

[wendl]

how old is the teenager.

I have two stepsons 9,11 and my son is 14.

Teenage years are not easy for kids, they go thru so much emotionally and physically during this time and sometimes do not know how to contorl things.

Dad shouldn't give up.  Unfortunately all you can do is support him and enjoy the kids when you see them.

If you have a court order and she is denying visitation, file a pro-se contempt charge and request missed time be made up.

The teenager will remember the things you try to do, even if he/she says they hate you etc etc, I did some pretty crappy things to my parents growing up, I lived with my mom and she tried to alienate me from my dad and stepmom, I remember this and as I grew older it pushed me closer to my stepmom (i was always daddys girl)

Today I am an adult and rarely speak to my mother, my father passed away when I was in highschool and I am so close to my fathers widow.  What my mother tried to do backfired, when I am down-need a shoulder to cry on or if something exciting happens in my life, my stepmom is the 1st to know.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[srobar]

Teenager is a girl - will be 14 in Oct.

I, too, try to remember what a brat I was and she really doesn't act much differently than I did. The difference is that she feels that she doesn't have to follow the same rules in our house that she does at her mother's house. Her mother will make her clean her room, watch her baby brother, help with dinner, etc. Her mother flat out told us that her daughter is not allowed to babysit our daughter nor are we supposed to make either of the kids "work". She says that the only reason their dad wants them over is to work and as she drops them off, she yells out the window loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, "Have fun working all weekend, I love you, I'll miss you!"

If they break rules at the EX's house, they get punished. If they are told to follow the rules in their father's house, the EX yells at him about how we mistreat her children. They even have gone so far as to lie and say they're sick just so their mom could come and pick them up. The reason we know it was a lie is that the "sick child" quickly hid a brownie from mommy under the pillow as their dad came in the room to check on her.

I feel as if the control over my life and my household is just stripped away when they are with us. They are in charge and we have to walk on eggshells and watch what we say to prevent an uproar or confrontation with the EX.

I sure hope things turn out like your situation did some day, well, maybe not necessarily cutting off their relationship with their mother because I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even though she would totally deserve it. I want to be able to have a relationship with those two kids, because I do love them as my own. But they don't have any respect for me, their dad, our home, or their sister. I really want to get up the nerve to have a chat with the EX but everyone tells me to keep my nose out of it. I just wish we could stand up for ourselves.

Sorry so long - I've held all of this in for a long time and it's finally starting to tumble out. Even if no one else reads it, the writing is a catharsis.

[kaylene99]

Srobar, I totally sympathize with you over your situation.  As a stepmom myself, I know it's not easy at all.  

My best advice, as someone already stated, is to take care of you and your family first.  I'm not saying that your stepkids aren't part of your family because they are.  However, all this stress and negativities on you, your husband and daughter can't be good.  You have to control the stress and not the other way around.

Look, continue to provide the best care and parenting you could for the stepkids when they are in your household.  Your household is YOURS to control and run as you please -- not the EX WIFE's.  So, the ex wife says and does crappy things.  Let her.  She does them to get a rise out of you guys so don't give her the satisfaction EVER.  Encourage your husband to stand up to the ex wife and not let her treat him the way she does.  Remember, she will do what you will let her get away it so don't fall into that trap.  You guys don't really have to take her call and abuse.  Try communicating via email so you have proof of how insane and unreasonable she is.  

As for your stepkids being disrespectful, you guys will just need to sit them down and tell them the rules, punishment and expectations you have for them POINT BLANK.  There are no games to be played and that's that.  Their mother sets the rules and punishment in their household and that's fine and dandy.  You and your husband set the the rules and punishment in YOUR household and that's the way it's going to be -- LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT!  Honestly, you need to just FRANK and BLUNT with the kids!  How old are they again -- 9 and 11?  They are old enough to understand and know the difference between the two household.  It sounds like they are being manipulated by their mother so don't let the manipulation continue on in your household.  Stand your ground and be firm.  I know it's easier said and done but doing that will show your stepkids you're not in it for any game.  

My stepkids are 13 and 11 years old and we've always expressed our rules, punishment and expectations of them in OUR household.  Either they abide by these or suffer the punishment established.  They know and understand the differences between the two households.  My stepdaughter actually told me recently that our household is stricter than than their Mom's.  However, the way she said it made me feel good because the admiration and approval was there.  It's as if she wishes her Mom does the same things we do in our house. :-)  Kids always need structured routine and guidance and that's what my husband and I try to do whenever they are with us.

I know it's not easy but hang in there.  PLEASE take care of yourself, your husband and, most especially, your daughter.  Fortunately for us, my stepkids and daughter love one another so there is no issue on that end.  

Take care for now!