Mediation - Need insight

[Ref]

Hey Folks!

I'm not sure if I am more excited or nervous about this Friday. Dh has his first face-to-face legal confrontation with his ex. This is the first step to working out what is best for his daughter.

Do any of you have any advice or stories about your mediation experience that might give us an idea of what we are in for? Dh is represented and PB is Pro Se.

I don't expect to be able to be there with Dh in the mediation room, but would it be inappropriate to wait with him at the office prior to the mediation? It will undoubtably piss off PB to see me. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. All I want to do is give Dh some support.

Do you usually bring your evidence with you to these things? I am thinking the point of mediation is not to battle about what happened in the past and point fingers, but to work out what is best for the future. Should evidence be save for the court hearing. (there is no way PB will negotiate, but mediation is ourt ordered)

When you tell the mediator what you want, do you shoot high in order to negotiate down, or do you actually tell them what you think is fair?


Thanks to all of you who have been such a help to us.

[Kitty C.]

First of all, since she's representing herself, by all means go!  If SHE can't handle seeing you there, when you're only there to support your DH, then that's HER problem, not yours.  But throwing her off (if that's what it does) is NOT your problem......get what I mean??

Her representing herself is one of the surest ways for you to win your case.

As for negotiations, ask for the moon. All negotiations start at opposite ends and meet somewhere in the middle.  If you only ask what you really want, you're almost guaranteed to get less.  She's asking for it all, right??  Then you do the same.  Hopefully you can negotiate somewhere in the middle that allows the kids to have BOTH parents as a constant in their lives, which is exactly what they need.

[Wishing]

For what it's worth, I'll give you my take as a man who went through the wringer.

The mediation is a total waste of time. If the two parties could work out the details, they would. This is just the State's way of trying to look as if there is an equal chance for the Father. I was ordered for 3 sessions and after the second, the mediator said there was no bother to meet for the third. She would submit that we met but it wasn't going anywhere. All I wanted was equal time with both of our sons.

I would suggest waiting outside in a remote area so you can be there for support. Being in there may only makes things worse. The good news is that if she's representing herself, DH may be able to work a deal - but don't hold your breath.

I do agree with the other post, go for everything. If he wants alternate weeks - ask for it. If you request unreasonable things, she very may well go that direction also.

Good luck to you both and never give up.

[Peanutsdad]

The mediator is not interested in evidense, nor blame, nor who did what to whom.

They are interested in asking what both parties want and try to work towards an acceptable compromise that both can live with.


In view of that, no, dont go. You already know it will piss her off,, thus making an almost impossible task totally impossible and wasting your DH's money for his attorney.

[Troubledmom]

Depending on what state you are in, would depend on what would be appropriate for your DH to bring to mediation with him as "evidence".

For instance in California mediators do not just mediate between the parties, they also make recommendations. If you do not have evidence to back up your claims then how is the mediator going to make a recommendation in your favor?

Items suggested to bring to mediation in California:
1. Parenting Calendar~ show the time your DH has had
2. Report Cards, School Records, other school related docs that support  
    your position.
3. Medical Records
4. Reciepts for CS paid, medical, dental, eye bills paid, transportation
    reciepts, clothing reciepts for the children, etc.
5. Any other document that you can think of that would support your
    position.

REMEMBER save the most damaging incase you go to trial.

I nice way to present these documents to the Mediator is in a one of those nice Report Covers like used by high school students.
Use your computer, copy several pictures of the kids and dad doing things together with the title "XXX FAMILY" for your cover page.
This gives the mediator a human perspective of who (s)he is dealing with and shows the kids have fun with Dad. (Also, I have found it sways the mediator a bit, giving the feeling that Dad must care to have done such a nice presentation.)

TM

[Ref]

I really have no desire to actually go in the mediation. DH is a bright level-headed man who is perfectly capable of handling this on his own. Not to mention, his attorney will be his support when he is there. I just want to be there prior to the meeting.

The trouble is, mediation is court ordered. DH knows its a waste of time. PB might or might not show up. Chances are she will be pointing her fingers at Dh and no real work will get done.

This is why I ask about evidence. PB will bring up unrelated issues to point blame at DH. She always lies, not even exaggerates, LIES about things Dh has abundant evidence to the contrary. For example, she states that he only sees SD during the last two weeks of June every year. My guess is she will say this again during mediation to show that the amount of time he is trying for in unreasonable. We have plain tickets etc. that show that we usually see her for more.

[MixedBag]

For my mediation experience, I took all of my "evidence" in case I needed a piece of paper to show that I wasn't lying.

EX "mediated" and almost walked out until the mediator said she would report that he walked out....that's when he sat back down.  Instead, he backed out the next day.  

DH is also in the middle of mediation -- and it's not gonna get anywhere.  His EX has no desire to cooperate and if it's not her way, it just ain't gonna happen.  

Expert mediators -- no matter what the subject -- will shoot higher and then work down.  That's almost a given fact.

I encourage him to know his bottom line and to mediate in good faith.  Sometimes it works, yep.  And sometimes it's a total waste of time (twice here)...

As for evidence, DH took his evidence -- and the mediator listen to it.  SHE knows where to place the blame squarely on what has happened since 1997....

[Kitty C.]

Guess I didn't explain myself very well.  I certainly didn't mean being in the same room while the mediation was going on, but in the same building certainly!

But if she wants to bring up dirt, that will only hurt her case.  Mediation is only to try to get the parents to come to an agreement on a parenting plan, NOT to air dirty laundry or point fingers.  If she refuses to compromise andonly accuses, she will be viewed as non-cooperative.

[nosonew]

Is this mediator reporting back to the court?  That is very important to know.  If he/she is...then YOU don't go!  His attorney will be there, or you can wait in the car, down the block, whatever.  

I would bring my evidence and have the attorney carry it in in a brief-case IF needed.  

Depending on your mediator, some issues may need addressed, others, he/she will want to put on the back-burner or the attorney may even state it should not be discussed pending court.  

Your dh should just reiterate, "I just want what is best for ____" numerous times, and how much children need their fathers, and should have many loving people in their lives, etc.  Also, by stating the child needs BOTH parents in their lives, that is what they want to hear!!!!