I'm ready to file...mediation by therapist bad idea?

[spritom]

Question:
Fire the therapist and just go file?

Story:
Wife displays BPD-type behaviors for a few years such as these few examples (there's much more):
* rages a few times a month
* stalks me around house from room to room
* consistently blocks my exit from rooms during raging
* fires insults/false accusations/tells me what I think regardless of my view...rapid fire the whole time
* Meanwhile, I'm asking to please let me go to sleep for the night
* calls up friends/neighbors/relatives about me (tried to convince my mom I had a traumatic childhood...my mom said since she was there and wife wasn't, she had a little more insight to it)
* extortion (if I don't see a certain thing her way, she'll threaten not to do something uopn which I may depend)
* tells me that I deserve her behavior, I caused her behavior, I am the fault of her behavior

We go see new counselor in November as a couple, at the outset, he prefaced that things may or may not work out between us, and said he'd offer to mediate if divorce came to be, since going the court/lawyer route can be quite the ordeal. Wife had been seeing another counselor by herself for a few years. After 3 sessions with joint counselor, he (and wife's counselor) "turn her over" to him in January. Since new counselor is so busy (authored a couple of books, gives seminars, teaches at university), he wants to work just with wife for a bit on some issues of hers. Wife thinks it will just be a few sessions..several times she thought she was almost done. After one particular bad raging incident, he saw us both again for a couple of weeks..at that time he asked each of us privately if he "was working on a marriage or working on a divorce" and we both replied marriage. However, I got the feeling that I was the spare wheel interrupting my wife's process as when she finally started going alone again (and we didn't go together), she said that it took a while to get back on track.

Months later (and several rages, not to mention daily hit-and-run quips), I'm ready to file for divorce. I interviewed some attys, tried to read up, and the general advice is if my spouse and I can work out the details, that's much better for us/kids/money/etc. They said our affairs aren't all that complex and civil adults could work through it quite easily. Though, since my position in the marriage is that wife has been uncivil, some of the attorneys said I'd likely see that behavior in the divorce too.

So a week ago, I called from work and left a message with the counselor asking if I could see him privately and left my cell number. I wanted to ask him about divorce mediation as he said. After two days of not hearing from him, I did the same thing again. I got a voicemail back later that day, but I couldn't make out all the words with the static. I called a 3rd time and explained I didn't hear it all. Two days later, my wife has her weekly appointment, and she comes home with a Post-It note with my appointment time. The day after that, he left a voice mail with me of the appointment time (next week).

Next, I overhear my wife talking to her mom about it. I hear them whispering sometimes...the other day I walked in as my MIL is loudly whispering to my wife, "he's home now!" In the overheard conversation, that I don't think wife knew I could hear, wife was very excited that I was going to see the counselor. How the counselor didn't return my first call on purpose and wanted to see if I was serious about seeing him before calling me back. Also that the counselor wasn't going to be fooled by me and he wasn't going to play my game as he thought I gave my cell # to hide it from my wife, though since I work from 5a-6p or later, the only phone # I have during business hours is my cell. WHAT GAME!?!?!

Also wife told her mom that counselor has helped my wife with my issues....I've seen the guy maybe 3-4 times 3-5 months ago.

I'm thinking that this counselor is far from objective and has become a "negative advocate" for my wife. Should I even bother with the appointment? Let alone ask him to mediate the divorce? Some friends have advised me to simply file first and advise wife as she gets served.

Oh..and wife's mom has been living w/us for months, but just signed a lease on an apt, so may move out this week.

[MixedBag]

Counselors can mediate.

ANYONE can mediate (in some states).

Focus on the children and stick to it.

The counselor could be in a position to know what not to say that triggers the wife's explosions because the counselor knows her well.  

That's not bias.

[notnew]

Mixed,

While I have been on this site a lot longer than you all realize and having exchanged many messages with you regarding a multitude of issues, I have a different take on this.

It's obvious that the counselor knows the divorce is immenent. However, if the wife plans on using him/her as an expert witness, the counselor could be using the session as a fishing expedition to gather information. I know this is unethical practice, but we all know it happens.

I would proceed very carefully at this point. Yes, while anyone can mediate, it may not be a good idea to use this counselor to mediate since his/her knowledge and experience with the case and the potential of him/her to either be an expert witness, provide records, or become otherwise involved clearly creates a conflict.

It sounds like this guy can use the counselors testimony to prove an abusive relationship, which could be an assett in this matter.

IMHO - there are a lot of variables here. While he may have a case that "should" be able to be worked out quickly with no major issues, if his wife decides to make an issue of things, she certainly can. I believe being proactive would be prudent and that he should take steps now to protect himself for what could happen.

Just a thought, not legal advise. Good Luck!

[MixedBag]

Once they agree to use the counselor as a mediator, the counselor can no longer be called as a witness during any legal action.

As long as the relationship between the wife and the counselor is disclosed to the husband, and mainly the husband has to agree that the counselor can be "unbiased" and stay in the middle, the counselor can mediate.

Then however, the counselor switches hats and switches roles because they are now held to a different code of ethics as mediators.  Mediators can't be called to testify.

The counselor can not switch back and forth between roles.

And actually, the counselor is riding a fine line by switching from counselor to mediator.    You can't "counsel" during mediation.  You can't give "legal" advice during mediation.  You can't give "financial or tax" advice during mediation.....you have to do one or the other...and if you're the mediator, that's your function and your ONLY function.

[notnew]

Mixed,

While I have been on this site a lot longer than you all realize and having exchanged many messages with you regarding a multitude of issues, I have a different take on this.

It's obvious that the counselor knows the divorce is immenent. However, if the wife plans on using him/her as an expert witness, the counselor could be using the session as a fishing expedition to gather information. I know this is unethical practice, but we all know it happens.

I would proceed very carefully at this point. Yes, while anyone can mediate, it may not be a good idea to use this counselor to mediate since his/her knowledge and experience with the case and the potential of him/her to either be an expert witness, provide records, or become otherwise involved clearly creates a conflict.

It sounds like this guy can use the counselors testimony to prove an abusive relationship, which could be an assett in this matter.

IMHO - there are a lot of variables here. While he may have a case that "should" be able to be worked out quickly with no major issues, if his wife decides to make an issue of things, she certainly can. I believe being proactive would be prudent and that he should take steps now to protect himself for what could happen.

Just a thought, not legal advise. Good Luck!

[MixedBag]

Once they agree to use the counselor as a mediator, the counselor can no longer be called as a witness during any legal action.

As long as the relationship between the wife and the counselor is disclosed to the husband, and mainly the husband has to agree that the counselor can be "unbiased" and stay in the middle, the counselor can mediate.

Then however, the counselor switches hats and switches roles because they are now held to a different code of ethics as mediators.  Mediators can't be called to testify.

The counselor can not switch back and forth between roles.

And actually, the counselor is riding a fine line by switching from counselor to mediator.    You can't "counsel" during mediation.  You can't give "legal" advice during mediation.  You can't give "financial or tax" advice during mediation.....you have to do one or the other...and if you're the mediator, that's your function and your ONLY function.