Right of 1st Refusal

[missy]

One more for you.  We have established the IN Visitation Guidelines.
Here is the following on right of refusal:

 Opportunity for Additional Parenting Time.  When it becomes necessary that a child be cared for by a person other than a parent or a family member, the parent needing the child care shall first offer the other parent the opportunity for additional parenting time.  The other parent is under no obligation to provide the child care.  If the other parent elects to provide this care, it shall be done at no cost.

Seems pretty black and white.  However, CP says that she gets them first over family members(including me).  But also expects us to do the entire transportation.   Which would cost about $60 more a week for us.

We only need  a sitter for 2 hours a day when we have the kids.  My question is

1)Do we have to over her to babysit if its a friend/family member who is babysitting free of charge?

2)Whose responsibilty to do the transportation is it?  
**I had heard that since she demands it that she is responsible for both trips in IN.

3)Would the Judge be more lenient if we didnt allow it for the fact that she has never offered us Right of First Refusal when she needs a sitter?

Thanks so much for all of your excellent advice!  

[socrateaser]

>1)Do we have to over her to babysit if its a friend/family
>member who is babysitting free of charge?

Your family members have priority if you have the right to parent the child at the time you delegate responsibility (and visa versa). Technically, if you have to leave the child in the care of a non-family member, then you must offer the other parent that time with the child. But for two hours -- who's cares? "Di minimis non curat lex," or latin for "The law does not deal in trifles." A judge would laugh her out of the courtroom if she complained about two hours with an occasional babysitter.

>
>2)Whose responsibilty to do the transportation is it?  
>**I had heard that since she demands it that she is
>responsible for both trips in IN.

Unless it is specified in the court orders, then both parents are equally responsible for the costs incident to transfer of the child. The key concept is to ask yourself what is "reasonable," and then, if it is reasonable, then is it not in my child's best interests? If you answer is (1) it's reasonable, and (2) it's in my child's best interests, or completely neutral, then you're on solid ground.

If you see a fight coming, the best thing to do is file a motion to have the court clarify this issue. Then there will be no opportunity for a fight.

>
>3)Would the Judge be more lenient if we didnt allow it for the
>fact that she has never offered us Right of First Refusal when
>she needs a sitter?

Two wrongs don't make a right. But, like I said...for two hours, who gives a rip.

[missy]

Soc,

For two hours I wouldnt complain!!  But as our attorney has said, we are up for a fight w/ her, she wants total control of the situations out of her household.  We tried before to get it set up in court, and she never signed the documents to return to her attorney.

The only problem is,

1)If she hears about them going elsewhere, she wont allow the kids to come over again.

2)Her attorney tells her this is right.  That the Right of 1st refusal allows her the kids over everyone else.

So thats what we are dealing w/.  She gives her attorney the basics, and her attorney agrees and thats all CP wants to hear and we lose yet more time.

Its never ending, and we just learned our attorney is now a Judge and we really dont have the xtra $$ for another retainer fee.

Cant believe everyone fights over their rights to see their kids, what is our society coming too!!!!

[socrateaser]

You must find a way to make the mother believe that you are (1) not a threat to her economic survival, and (2) not a threat to her self image as a mother.

I don't have a canned answer as to how to accomplish these two things. All I can tell you is that if she believes that your exercise of time with the child will not affect her ability to pay her bills, and that you are not trying to cause her to her believe that she is an inferior parent, then she will soften and your problem will go away.

So, think about how you can do it. It's not gonna be a single answer -- it's got to be a general behavioral shift so that she can "sense" that things are better and that she is not threatened.

[missy]

Its honestly not that.  I wont bad mouth her........but even our attorney says, its just her way of being vindictive and controlling.  She knows how to hurt my husband and his family and that is her goal.

But, I have vowed not to get into it too much and have it affect me!  Me and my ex share 50/50 and it works GREAT!!  So in the long run, I guess thats all that matters!

Ive heard that stepparents shouldnt get too involved in the exs disputes anyway!

I do enjoy all the advice and it really gives insight to alot of other issues!!!