For Those NCMoms Who Were Deliberately "Substituted"

[Butterfly]

ALCON,

Like most NCPs, my child's father treats me like a second class parent to my child despite the extraordinary effort I make to be a loving, involved LDNCBM.

One of the 'weapons' he has wield for years: his wife.  He's groomed her to be the 'substitute' Mommy, not a special addition to the parents already in place but a replacement.  PAS, falsifying documents, frivilous lawsuits...blah, blah, blah.

Through the years, I've learned to become calloused to these antics and prove that you can unconditionally love your child, sometimes even without confirmation.

However, recently I read this article that made me feel so much better about how I handle myself as a divorced, non-residential parent...and that takes the sting out of the temporary emotional warfare wounds I've sustained through the use of an innocent shared child.

I DO NOT believe this article should apply to just stepparents...but I don't want to alter the original essay.  This is going up on my refrigerator and I thought I'd share to you other fine ladies out there in the same parenting circumstance.

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Misguided vs. Effective Stepparenting



Stepfamily Association of America - Pittsburgh Chapter




The contrast between a misguided and an effective approach to stepparenting provides a key to success in the stepfamily. Clearly, the effective stepparent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviours to build toward positive relationships.



The Misguided Stepparent

Tries to replace the absent parent.

Feels insecure about stepparent role.

Wants to own children and their affections.

Attempts to cut ties with non-custodial parent.

Assumes children cannot love several adults.

Creates loyalty conflicts for children.

Demands love and acceptance.

Expects to care about stepchildren immediately.

Expects children to express affection right away.

Feels guilty when children express affection they don't really feel.

Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same.

Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings.

Feels guilty for loving own children "more".

Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings.

Manages everyone else's relationships.

Takes on problems of all family members as own.

Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents.

Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another.

Insists on being included in all activities.

Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together.

Assumes peacemaker role.

Fears another family loss.

Believes difficulties imply failure.

Denies problems exist.

Shuts out negative emotions.

Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash.

Strives to be perfect and thus to counteract the "wicked stepparent" myth.

Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure.

Avoids mistakes at all costs.

Suppresses negative emotions.

Refuses to state any opinions that might create conflict.

Feels sorry for children of loss.

Tries to make up for children's parental loss.

Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal.

Insists on family unity.

Indulges, pampers and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities.

Views goals of happiness and harmony "at all costs". Uses family "togetherness" to show outsiders "how great we are doing".

Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members.

Diverts family members from preferred activities.



The Effective Stepparent

Recognizes importance of non-custodial parent.

Respects children's need and right to love that parent.

Helps stepchildren nurture relationship with non-custodial parent by encouraging them to write, phone, or visit.

Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict.

Invites the bioparent to important milestone ceremonies and events.

Strives to be an added parent figure and friend, rather than substitute parent.

Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and his/her children.

Realizes it's natural to feel closer to one's biological children.

Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention.

Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone.

Allows time for relationships to develop.

Focuses on process of developing as a family unit.

Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth.

Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress.

Respects and accepts others as new family forms.

Manages own relationships with each child.

Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited.

Encourages family members to care for their own needs and relationships.

Understands family life cannot always be happy.

Accepts that problems exist.

Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills.

Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant.

Possesses the courage to be imperfect.

Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies.

Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image.

Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them, and trying again.

Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human.

Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience.

Encourages children to face the reality of the death or the divorce that preceded the emergence of the stepfamily.

Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss.

Helps kids confront and express the feelings that grief elicits.

Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future.

Lets go.

Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss.

Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing the stability of the stepfamily is threatened.

Plans family activities without forcing participation.

Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse.

[olanna]

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[MixedBag]

ALCON?  Now that's a new one!

It applies to all step-families.....

Great reminder list!!      

[Kitty C.]

Thanks for sharing!!!!!!!!  :-)