Hi new to the group...someone please read!!

[mistydionne]

My name is Misty and I am a mother that doesn't have custody of my two daughters. They are 8-9 getting ready to be 9-10. I was 16 when I had my first daughter and 17 when I had my second daughter. I was married to their father.. He was abusive and a liar and anything else you can imagine. To make a long story short..I had no family, no money, and if I left him I would have no place to live exspecially with 2 small children. I ended up leaving the children with his mother and moving with a friend to a different city to get away from him. That was about 5 yrs ago. Now, I am a successful woman going to college I have a good job and I am getting married in April, to  man who has two children of his own. The problem is that my children which I only see every other weekend and his daughter do not get along. I think that it may go deeper than that. My children are rude, mean, out of control, disrespectful and down right evil. His children are the total opposite. My oldest daughter is the worst, she deliberatly hurts his daughter, says mean things to hurt her feelings.. And what can I do.. I try to talk calmly and explain to she cannot do that, and that we do not allow this type of behavior in this house. That doesn't work, so then I get a little louder and then its a all out war, were I end up the bad person, and then I have my fiance and his daughter upset with me because my daughter is treating people so wrong and then my daughter for trying to discpline her. I only see my children days a month. That is so little time to try to teach them how to respect other, and treat them. This is causing a huge problem in our house to the point my fiance says that he cannot stand to be around them... and to tell you the truth when they act like that I cannot stand it either....someone please help,advice similiar experiences anything...please......;(

[CustodyIQ]

Misty,

Sorry for all the trauma you've endured at such a young age.

What your kids are showing is a symptom of the chaos and conflict that has been in their lives since they were born.  I'm sure you can appreciate that.

Unfortunately, the best advice I can give you is to say the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis and hope that you do find the strength that it seeks.

At the moment, your kids may be beyond help in any capacity that you can provide.

Perhaps the best thing that you can do is to stabilize your own life right now.  If your fiance is a good man, and if his children are good children; then that sounds like a good thing.

Once you're settled into your marriage, perhaps then you'll have greater resources to examine options for how to best help your own children.

In the meantime, you have an obligation to protect your home.  If your home is with your future husband and his kids, then you need to set your foot down as to what behavior is acceptable in your home... and as much as it will hurt you, you may wish to prohibit anyone from entering your home who can't follow those rules.

Immediately, I'd recommend you read the book called Breakthrough Parenting, by Dr. Jayne Major.  It gives excellent insight into how to best approach parenting situations, including difficult kids.  You can order it from Amazon, and there's a link to it on my website.

Best of luck to you.

[mistydionne]

Thank you very much...Basically, I have gotten my life settled, I guess that I forgot to mention that we have been going thru this for 3yrs.. I just keep telling myself and my fiance that it will get better they will get adjusted... So I will try to do whatever  I can to get us thru this....We are a family as broken and turn as we may be they are my only daughters and the only children I will ever have so.. I will fight this to the end.. But in another sense, I cannot spend my life alone because my kids cannot act right either...

Misty

[backwardsbike]

Hi Misty,

I am a NCM ans I have dealt with some of the same issues you describe.  I differ with Custody IQ.  I think your children can be helped to behave appropriately.  I would suggest that you consider family counseling.

This is something I have done in my own case.  We see an Art therapist. But I think any family counseling would be beneficaial for you.  Kids are very resilient.  They can adjust to different rules in different homes.  They may be reacting to stress from the uncertianty of thier earlier lives. Or it could be some sib-stepsib rivalry.  There are a lot of very normal reasons kids act like little monsters.  The answer is finding out what is going on with them.

In most communities there are resources for family counseling. Some are free, some charge a sliding scale fee.   I would check the phone book under "counseling" or if you have a community pages section look there under " children" or "families".  If all else fails call counselors listed in the yellow pages and ask for advice.

Your family can get along and enjoy  good times together.  Your kids are not behaving like this because they want you to be unhappy.  Kids are limited in how well they can express adn understand thier feelings.  Help is available.

[mistydionne]

Thank you.. helps to know there are others that have delt with these issues... sorry that anyone else had to though..