A typical situation of mom using the son as leverage.... (please read)

[nsaadaie]

In talking to many people.. friends parents whom are single, girl friends of mine who also dealt with similar situations, and attorneys.. I've come to realize i'm far from alone in this situation.. please read on.

Just to give a basic run down of my situation so whomever reading/responding can answer correctly.. here's the full story of whats going on. I'm going to try and make this as detailed as possible while summarizing as much as I can.. AND, if you really feel like the full details... Here is a copy of the letter I wrote to our Court Mediator a few days ago. I'd recommend reading the link below and skipping whats in this post.. it's 2 1/2 pages and includes a proposed agreement which was denied through mediation. Tell me what you think. ;)

http://members.cox.net/nsaadaie/mediation.doc

In August of 2004 there was a domestic incident between my child's mother and I. To briefly clarify.. in a nutshell.. mom was upset I blew off plans with her one night for friends, became extremely upset/abusive, and I crossed the line in restraining her. In short.. it was a mutually combative situation and I as a man can admit I crossed the line in not walking out of the apartment, and instead restraining her.

Keep in mind while in custody this entire event took place while she was 8 months pregnant. Mom then sent a friend to jail to visit me and assured me that she consented to mutual wrong doing and didn't hold anything against me. In essence mom just wanted me to plea to the charges, and get out of jail in time for the birth, which naturally we both felt was very important.

Now that you understand the back ground.

On September 7th, 2004 we welcomed the birth of our son Noah. From the time of my release strait through to his birth she and I were inseperable again. Our domestic situation only helped us to become closer, and naturally his birth did more of the same. For the first few months we has a trio spent time together on a daily basis. Going to the mall, going to doctors appointments, hanging out at my house while the grandparents were at work, you name it and we did it on a daily basis together. There was never much concern for visitation at this point in that we spent countless amounts of time together. The only concern on my behalf at this point was that mom would resist visitation with my parents, and if ever there were disagreements it always came as a result of me asking... "So, when are you stoppin' by the house with Noah so my parents can see him again?"

Ok so months passed and although she used our son as source of leverage I had very little to complain about in reality in that the three of us were spending a TON of time together. My parents would say things like... "So, it's been a few weeks since we've seen him now when is she comin' back over?" Of course it came up in our daily conversations and the more she resisted the more it became an issue in our relationship.

None the less months progressed and my parents would have visitation on a limited basis at her discression. The part that started bothering me was when she would request personal favors that had to do with her and I.. in exchange for granparent visitation. Do this, and ill come over today. Don't go out with friends, and i'll come over this week. Things of that nature.

Anyhow, after a few months she returned to working and that is when the real problems began to arise. As her time with our son was cut down due to working and having Noah nannied.. she ultimately chopped down everyone else time also. Plain and simple.. she returned to work in late November and that is the last time my parents had any contact with him. I my self now only had time with him when it was convenient with her... typically on the weekends with the three of us. This carried on through the months of December, January, and February until ultimately in March... With my parents having not seen him now in several months I began to lay down my foot with her "power and control."

Big point here... Since our child's birth I forsaw a "power and control" situation occuring with her and urged mom to setup a support and visitation agreement. Of course.. she was receiving abundant support from my self and my parents, clothes, necessity items, money, you name it, AND controlled the visitation, so of course she already had it all and resisted.

None the less.... Over the course of March and April I tried urging her to again setup some sort of agreement within' the courts (so the power and control would be lifted). Finally one day I officially put the foot down and told her my plan on heading to the courts and this did not mean the dissolution of our relationship, and was just something that had to be done. Sure enough mom files a parenity case in early May behind my back. I not knowing any of this.. filed my case exactly a week after hers. I had her served by a third party friend exactly one day after my case was filed. During that service mom then assaulted the person serving her these documents out of rage. It was unclear then why she would even become so upset and it wasn't until I received documents coming home from work one day on my door step that I put all the pieces of this puzzle together and realized she became so upset because she had filed her case first and didn't have me served before I had her served. (about this assault case pending mom shoved the person of service multiple times, then proceeded to attempt to shove the documents back into this persons purse, and THEN proceeds to run back outside chasing this person as they fled to their car and hurled the documents at her car and into the street. police were called and the entire incident was recorded on a recording device inside the persons purse during the service. mom probably didn't know that)

Alrighty... that is the basic jist of things and I need advice. Since her mediation/hearing dates for the case she filed were before mine.. I opted to not contest the mannor in which I was served and just attend her dates. This past tuesday was mediation and expectingly it went horrible.

Her request: SOLE Legal/Physical Custody
                   1 supervised visit a month
                   Guideline and attorney support

My request:
                   JOINT Legal Custody
                   SOLE Physical Custody - to mom
                   1 midweek visit, mom's working during the day (weekly)
                   1 weekend visit, mom's choice on day (weekly)
                   Offering to pay HALF of her attorney fees and costs to make the matter split 50/50.. No "losers" anywhere.

REJECTED

Even the Mediator told her that her request wouldn't fly with me or a judge. In her ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE she claims that I called her at her house in mid november and threatened to kill her and take our son. She also claims that my self AND my parents have threatened to take Noah to England/Iran (our countries of origin) in the past. Absolutely erroneous accusations.. and further extremely shallow of her and last ditch attempt (i feel) to strengthen an already weak case for full legal rights.

So any thoughts? The situation as a whole may sound chaotic but it is far less chaotic than one would assume by reading this. This is a girl who's extremely insecure and wants to assure a life with me through gaining full legal rights and basically saying.. "Ok you want to be apart of your son's life... Then you will need to be apart of mine." Many suggest I do not need an attorney that the facts present itself and her recent charges against her as well as her actions as whole speak for itself.

I need advice. Our hearing is in about 45 days and I need to hire an attorney within the next 10 if that is what im going to have to do. I don't want to chance a judge looking at my DV conviction and ignoring all the other facts at hand. I don't know what to expect and im some what scared.

Thanks for reading and good day to you all. Comments, suggestions, and emails are all welcomed.. I appreciate it all.






Nema Saadaie
Southern California Resident

[VaBeachStepmom]

I don't have much advice for you other than you're asking for way too little.  Why not demand joint legal AND physical?  You're close by, geographically, right?  Why not have the child spend equal time with mom and you?  That's what most courts will consider the best interests of the child.  Ask (demand) 50/50.  

Your child is still a baby, so school is not a concern yet.  Why not have an every other week parenting plan set up?  Every Sunday night at whatever time, you exchange the child.  Then whenever you have the baby, you can go to your parents house so they can see him/her.  This is not an uncommon plan for parents that have both spent large amounts of time with the child.  You are not a stranger to your baby, and your baby needs you as much as mom.

Shoot for the moon, and be willing to give a little here and there.  But don't just give everything away either.

Good luck.  

[TPK]

I went thru this same situation with my x-wife and her not wanting my parents to see our child. It started the day she left the hospital (c-section) to come home. She didn't want any body over to see our child. At first I just thought she might be tired from the birth ordeal and needed time to heal. But days turned into weeks and she still wouldn't allow anybody over.

My parents were dying to see my daughter, they called every day. I finally had enough of the shenanigans and invited my parents over one night. My X had heard me talking to my mother on the phone and heard me invite them over for the next day. She went ballistic. She went into this rage and came after me! She was flailing about punching, kicking, scratching. It got loud enough for the neighbors to hear, and the cops showed up.

Needless to say this was the beginning of the end, and just a few months later she took off with our 4 month old and hid from me for months.

I too believe you're asking for too little. Ask for more than you want, and settle for less.  Try to get joint-legal or you'll never have any say in any important matter in your child's life. I wouldn't offer to pay her legal fees either.

Good luck to you.

TPK

[MYSONSDAD]

Well, if I were in your shoes, I would find the best damned family law attorney in your area. By pleading guilty on the DV, it will come back and bite you hard. Do you have witnesses or a report indicating she admitted to being just as guilty? Here is a website with info to help educate you on what not to do.

http://www.abuse-excuse.com/

Ask for everything thing you want and then some. You want to go beyond so that you can mediate in the middle. There are some great parenting plans here. Go to the search engine and check them out. Work out a fair plan that you would be happy with. Include holidays and summer vacations.

When you talk with this woman, never go alone, bring a camcorder, tape. She can be very damaging for you. DOCUMENT! I can not stress that enough. Check your taping laws for your State. Type in, "can I tape", in the search engine.

Whatever you do, do not trust her. She very well could be setting you up for more problems.

I would also start your papertrail showing your involvement with your son. Did you sign anytime you brought him to the doctor? Do you have receipts on things that have been purchased? Did your mom save receipts? Gather as much information as possible and categorize.

Educate yourself as much as possible. Take parenting classes in your area. Find a Fathers support group, they can be very helpful for your journey ahead. And hang on tight, fasten your seatbelt, you may be in for a long, hard ride...

Have you been seeing your son thru all this?

[SadStepMom]

I also agree that you are asking way to little.

Where in So. Cal are you, I know a great attorney in San Diego

[nsaadaie]

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to offer up opinions.. and one thing that is common amongst all the individuals who have read/been told about my situation, is that I am asking for way too little. To answer some of your questions...

I live in South Orange County, California so the name and number of that San Diego attorney would be appreciated.

I've remained in my son's life from birth probably up until the matter hit a "wall" which was in early March. So from September to March we had routine contact and then from March to present he has been taken from me/ me taken from him (however one wants to look at it).

My parents and I haven't documented a damn thing. We were naive in thinking that since everything was fine and dandy that it would remain this way. At best perhaps some credit card receipts.. but it won't do justice to what was actually given. Handing her hundred dollar bills (my dad) on a monthly basis wasn't good either.

I tend to retain basically anything an attorney tells me over the phone or in a direct consultation. One thing i've held onto is what is called a "tender age doctorine." This means in a sense that the child is at a crucial age and needs consistent contact with both sides of the family. For example.. rather than 1 week here, 1 week there... The courts will see a more acceptable plan as being 3-4-5 days out of a week for 3-4-5 hours at a time. This ensures that the child develops a relationship based on being with me daily as well as mom. And to answer another question... yes we live close.. so close infact that I can see her back yard from my house if it weren't for a couple trees. :)

Any more advice as well as local attorneys recommended are greatly appreciated. Thank you all again for your time and support.


Nema Saadaie
Southern California Resident

[Luving StepMom]

I agree with the others that you are asking for too little.  The best advice I have is that this is your BEST chance to get the most visitation or custody of the child, because once the decree is final it is very hard to change things, especially if the mother is awarded custody.  So don't settle now thinking you can go back and change it later, try to get stipulations put in for now and later.  Before the custody arrangements are final is the only time you are on "fair" playing ground, after that if she is awarded custody (physical) she will have favor in all future proceedings.  I'm not trying to sound negative, just being realistic.  Absolutely don't settle for giving her sole legal, and fight for as much visitation as you can.  Best of luck to you!