Scared New Dad

[ScaredNewDad]

I apologize to anyone who reads this about the length, but I find it hard to apply an objective editor's eye with matters so close to my heart.

Date of Dad's last employment prior to pregnancy:  3/2005
Date of Dad's employment after learning of pregnancy:  9/2005 – 6/06
Date of Conception:  6/26/05 (though I realize it is not always known, I believe this to be accurate w/o elaboration)
Date of Birth of our Gorgeous Son:  2/14/06 ( 5 weeks premature)

Perhaps unnecessarily, I must point out that neither moms or I wanted this to happen.  Our relationship had been on and off for a year, and was somewhat casual.
When we first heard that we brought the spark of Mr. Gorgeous about, both his mother and I were unemployed and probably more afraid than we were overjoyed.  I got a job in September of 05 and held on to to it for dear life so as to assure our son would have quality medical insurance when he was born.  Fear & joy still remain together, although seeing him smile has done much to strengthen the joy above the fear.  We have been lucky.  Though not a religious fellow (nor mommy), I must say we have been truly blessed as far as the support of our families/New York State/The Medical community is concerned.   Mommy lives 7 minutes away from me by car at her current apartment.

 Mommy had been a licensed and practicing cosmetologist/aesthetician for ten years with a large spa in a retail chain, though she had recently lost her job a couple of months before our news of the stork.  I had been graduated from college for about six years and had been employed as an Insurance Broker for most of the time but had recently left employment to pursue hedonistic goals as a result of a settlement I got from a car accident I had been in as a result of someone else's recklessness.  

Mommy had a very tough pregnancy.  The apartment she was in was inadequate for the new lifestyle she had to develop (staying in frequently as she rarely felt well)  Since I live with my parents, I could not offer her a place.  Her mother did not think that them living together was wise.  Mommy ended up moving to her sister's place about 5 hours to the north of where we live in Queens.  This worked for maybe a month.  I visited once.  She came back down here and lived with her mother briefly while we all searched for an apt. for her.  Grandma on Mommy's side was well off enough to set mommy with an apartment.

At this point in the game, mommy & I probably make about the same amount of money annually when we are both employed.  When working, I presently make about 45K.  My college loan bills alone are $550 a month.  I was laid off from my job on June 12th and have been watching our son for about 75% of the time while mommy worked at her new job which she started in May.  From October 20th until May 20th I gave mommy $500 to contribute to the security deposit and $250/month to help out with the rent (all paid by check except one month toward the end of her pregnancy when I handed her cash).  Since May 20th , I have only given mommy $100 by check although I have been the primary caregiver taking care of him (& looking for a job) at my folks place while she works, him sometimes sleeping over with me and other times I would bring him to mommy's so that when she got home in the evening he would be in his crib.  I constantly bring mommy food & goods.  I think mommy is very unhappy with her current financial problem and having to borrow money from her mother.  She has been taking this out on me by verbally accusing me "of doing nothing" for the past two months while I have watched our son, gone on 6 interviews, and took an insurance class which will get me another license (hence more earning potential)

Mommy failed to show up for her job twice since she started work in May and was let go after the second missed day on August 8th.  Luckily, some of my networking has started to pay off and I have an interview with a quality company tomorrow Fri 8/11.  She dropped off our son this morning with me so she could go to the beach.  While I was holding our child, we got into a verbal argument.  Mommy told me to give her her son.  I said that he is our son.  Mommy put her hands on the child to yank him out of my arms.  I resisted, reminding her again that this was our son.  When she tried a second time, I pushed her hands away and she started yelling about how I put my hands on her and I just fucked myself and she would call the police.  I gave her the child.  She held him in her left hand and punched me in the nose with her right hand.  We had agreed that he would stay with me today and tonight but now she has taken him away and I am scared.

I am scared for the continued friendship between mommy & I.  I am scared for my son.  I am scared that mommy will receive 17% of my paycheck even though she has tremendously less debt than I.  I am scared that all of my contributions and time spent rearing my son will be cast aside by Family Court as I do not have documentation of his presence here for all the time we spent together.


Obviously, there is not much room to pay for lawyer consultations.  I do not know where to turn so I have posted this message to see if there is anyone out there who has been through a similar experience and can offer some advice//support.

Sincerely,

Scared Single Dad

[ocean]

Hi,
I am in NY too...
Child support will be set at the 17%. You could try to prove hardship with your loans, depends if the court will accept it. IF you both agree to a number (less than the 17% you can go in and tell them the agreed number) Daycare and healthcare are added to child support.

You can go down to your local court house and tell them you want to file for visitation/custody and child support. You can do these papers on your own. You will need to serve her the papers (by someone older than 18) and then you will go before a judge (here if you do not have lawyers, you will go to mediation first to see if you can agree).

It is very difficult to change custody and visitation once it is written down the first time in court. Think ahead with what you want, what happens at school-age, holiday's, birthdays, summer vacations.....There are visitation plans on this website you can go by too.

Try to sit down with her and see if you can come up with a plan together. Tell her that you want to work it out with her so a judge does not decide because then both of you will not be happy. Once it is written down you can both sign it in front of a notery and enter it with the courts.

If you live that close and plan to stay, you can try for shared custody with one week on and then one week off. If you are both working same hours, you can use the same daycare. Research and documnet when you have had child so you can use it in court. (you should do this for the next 18 years, just in case....).

If you do not agree, this will be a long drawn-put process and expensive. See what you can agree with and then if you have to go to court you can mediate the rest....
Good luck!!!!

[janM]

Did you file a police report on the assault? You don't have to press charges if you don't want to, but you should have documentation of it. She was holding your son!!

Unfortunately you were wrong to try to withhold the child from her. As an unmarried mom, she has automatic custody, and since you have not proven paternity (or have you?) or sought custody/visitation with the court, you have no rights to him.

I wish you two could have kept things friendly. Just keep in mind, she is abusive.

[ScaredNewDad]

Ms. M.

Luckily for me, I have a cousin who is the mother of five children (four with an ex-husband where things didn't break up without difficulty)   After the described incident, I called her(she has been a wondeful source of support since word of our impending gift)and she suggested I go down to the local precinct and file a complaint.I worded the complaint carefully as to document what happened w/o providing negatives about moms and her treatment of our son (whom I believe she loves with all of her heart's capacity)

While in the hospital after the delivery in February, I signed an acknowledgement of Paternity.  So the way I understand it I have proven paternity.  Mom & I had planned to negotiate (hopefully w/o lawyers) in the fall, perhaps through a mediator.

To sum up, I too still hope to keep things friendly.  I have left her two messages today, the first apologetic for the part my morning irritability have played in the incident, the second invfting her to call me on my cell phone as I thought she might be uncomfortable calling my home (where I live with my parents - I get very poor reception at that house)

Finding outlets for expressing feelings and fears w/o family/friend bias has been difficult.  At the same time it is difficult to properly descirbe such an emotionally charged topic with such a limited medium as this chatroom.  Either way, I apprecite your response and I hope to hear more from you

[janM]

While it's good you signed the paper, all that does is give you the right to file for parenting time. Some states still require a DNA test as well. You can verify that at your local courthouse or get a consult with an attorney for little or no cost.

I'm glad you documented the incident.

[ScaredNewDad]

Within a month of his birth, I took him one morning to a testing center for DNA Diagnostics and had the DNA test done.  I have the conclusive paperwork saved.  Mom asked me a few weeks later about it when I took her out one night.  She asked if me if I had it done and I said yes.  She told me that she knew it was mine and I said that I did too, and that the DNA test wasn't about that - it was about making sure that she could never take him away from me.

Thanks for the input.  It has been comforting to see that although not retaining a lawyer (i consulted one in about the 7th month of pregnancy for $200 for one hour when Mom informed that I had no say in the name and my last name would not even be included in a hyphenated fashion), I have been taking the right precautions to protect my relationship with our child.