Not sure what to do..

[gemini3]

A little background... my husband and his ex (along with myself and the ex's husband) were all ordered in September to attend family therapy.  The judge thought they had a problem cooperating, and that this would help.  We were told to work together to select a therapist.

So, the ex makes an appointment with a therapist of her choosing without including my husband in the selection process.  We sent her a list of 5 therapists that we liked and asked her to select from them.  She said she wouldn't see any of them.  So we sent her a list of 5 more - same response.  She said she would only see the one she picked.  She also made the first appointment on our wedding day, refused to reschedule for another day, and then went on about us not attending the session.

We did a little background checking on the therapist, and it turns out that he came highly recommended, so we agreed to meet with him.  He told us in our first session that he had to bill everything under ex's name because he had to diagnose someone.  We said that was fine and agreed to split the co-pay 50/50.

Since then we've had multiple issues with scheduling the appointments.  Ex insists on having complete control of the scheduling, and we're just supposed to show up when we're told.  She schedules appointments at the most inconvenient times for us (of course), they are always during my husbands parenting time with the children, and she refuses to reschedule them if we ask.  If we schedule any appointments she will call and cancel or reschedule it for another time.  

Since she's technically the patient she has full control and we have none.  Of course, if she has contorl of anything she'll manipulate it to cause us the maximum amount of distress, so this isn't a good situation.
It's gotten to be extremely disruptive and unbearable to deal with.  We have asked repeatedly in the counseling sessions to have a set day and time, and she refuses.  My husband is sick of it and ready to just stop going.  I don't know how a judge would react to this.

Any suggestions on what to do?  We were considering sending her an e-mail stating what days and times we were available for counseling and asking her to please not schedule any appointments outside of those dates and times without prior agreement, and asking her to give us 14 days notice of all appointments.  Do you think this would work?

[Kitty C.]

So what do you think of the therapist?  Is he as good as his recommendation?  If he is, then tell HIM of your concerns.  She does not have control, because it's HIS time you are all using and scheduling on, not hers or yours.  If he's such a good therapist, he would have seen this from the get-go and called her on it.

And if she still fails to comply, continue to see the therapist, but when it's convenient to schedule for you.  You will probably have to pay for your own sessions, but at least you're not in contempt...and it makes her look bad, too.

She 'thinks' she has control because you are deferring to her, asking HER to cooperate in scheduling............she knows it and is using that power for all it's worth.  But it's purely a psychological thing and control is just an illusion, tho she fails to realize that.  Work with the therapist, NOT her.  And if the therapist refuses to take control (which, IMO, is his JOB), then petition the court to assign a therapist, taking the decision completely out of your or her hands.

[gemini3]

It's hard to say because we've only been seeing him once a month.  I like that he doesn't get mired in all the BS she spews, and it does seem to be helping us in that she hasn't been harrassing us as much as she used to because someone is looking over her shoulder.

I agree with you on the time thing.  I think we should be able to schedule appointments, but the receptionist won't let anyone but her schedule anything because "she's the patient".  The therapist said he doesn't get into the scheduling, and lets his receptionist handle it.  I don't care if we have to pay for our own session.  I would rather it that way because we have some control.  Other therapists we spoke to said that they didn't accept insurance in these cases specifically for that reason, and that each would have to pay 1/2.  She refused and cried poor.  We didn't push it because, based on what happened last time we went to court, we'll probably end up paying 80% if the courts have anything to do with it.

The therapist will only see them together.  He won't see them individually.  I'm worried about petitioning the court because they never seem to see the problems for what they are.  We're in VA, where they seem to want the fathers to just pay their child support and not complain about anything.  I'm worried that we'll come out with worse than what we have now.

[Kitty C.]

Then I would tell the therapist that he MUST get involved with the scheduling, because it's becoming a serious 'control' issue with the ex, something these therapy sessions should be addressing anyway.

Just me, but the next time the receptionist cops an attitude with you about scheduling appts., tell her she needs to talk to her boss, that these appts. are supposed to be coordinated with ALL parties situations taken into account, NOT just the BM's.

Sorry, but after working in healthcare for over 25 years, I won't let some non-clinical worker dictate their 'rules' to me.  And currently I AM a scheduler!  The only time I have to put my foot down is when pts. request certain times when we absolutely don't have anyone who can see them for their specific treatment at the times they want or need.  Otherwise, we bend over backwards to accomodate...that's just our job.