Custody Advice

[IowaDad]

I am new here and thought I would post my situation to see if I can get any advice or meet people who had similar situations.  

I have a 3 and half year old son that I love very much, he is everything to me.   I broke up with my ex just before he turned 2 years old over her drug addiction and other problems.  We were never married and even though I signed the papers when he was born, some how my name never was placed on the birth cirtificate.   We have never went to court to date and we sort of alternated time with him until now, she has taken him and refused to let me see him at all.

Since we seperated until now I have had him 2-3 times as much as her.  Last year he spent about 8 months of the year with me and the year before that my ex didn't see him for 4 months straight because of her 2nd suicide attempt over her drug addiction of R/x pain killers.  I really never pushed custody before because my son was always with me.

The last 2 years I have claimed my son on income taxes and was unaware that she had to give permission for me to do so.  I just assumed that since he was always with me (more than 6 months out of the year) and that I was the only one paying for his day care and other things that I would be the one to claim him.

My ex does have a daughter from a previous relationship but her daughter spends most of her time at her grandmothers house just like my son spent  most of his time with me.  She considers me her father and I love her very much as well but hardly get to see her.

When I told her I was getting a lawyer to take her to court she said all kinds of crazy things like she was going to move out of state so I couldn't find her and that even if I do win in court that she would make sure I would never see my son again, whatever that means.

I guess what I am looking for is an idea of my chances to win custody.  
I have had my son most of the time and have provided for him.  My ex has tried to kill herself twice now over her drug addictions.   She has been in drug rehab a few times but always drops out after a few weeks and goes back to it.  I am really worried that the courts will favor her even with all this because she has a daughter and they dont' like to seperate kids but I really have no idea..

Like I said, my son is my life and I don't know how I am going to be able to handle not seeing him that much during this fight.

IowaDad

[MYSONSDAD]

Your first step should be to petion the court for paternity.
Start documenting everything you can. Go back in time and make notes so that you will not forget later.
Find a good child custody attorney. Put a TRO on her so she can't take off.
Get together all the documents you can showing how much time the child spent with you. Neighbors, friends and family who will testify of your time. Doctors reports, daycare receipts, things like that. Who paid her medical bills, can you get documentation on her drug abuse and the other problems she has?

Get going on this ASAP. File Monday.
One way to document your time is the Time Tracker on this site. It will give you a head start. But you have to act now.

Once Paternity is established, you will probably be ordered to pay support. If you give her anything now, make sure it clearly states 'child support'

Good Luck, you have come to the right place...
Start reading!

[IowaDad]

I have documented who has had him since we broke up to present with notes when something would happen.   Like when she tells me she didn't know how my son got hurt because she was asleep while he was up unsupervised, she was probably asleep from taking some of her pain killers she is addicted to.  Or the time she burnt his arm with her cigarette, etc.

So I have exact records of that.. she just tells me I could write anything down I wanted to though so she thinks it will be worthless in court.  I feel so helpless.. I have been a great father since he has been born but seems like nothing I can do will help me at all.  I just hope the courts will listen and understand the truth of it all.

[MYSONSDAD]

Smoking around a child is a form of child abuse in my State. Check your State Stautues.

You have no rights until you establish paternity. Get a good attorney. Start reading the articles here on this site. Educate yourself. You do have rights, but have to fight for them.

Check with the laws on taping in your State. If you can, bring a witness to pick your son up and at drop offs.

If that child is hurt again, get him to the hospital and get it documented. They are required by law to report it. Who takes the child to the doctor?

Track your time http://www.parentingtime.net or the free time tracker here at Sparc. Document everything. All calls and other communication. All occurences. Keep detailed records.

Be prepared for plenty of lies. Get documentation of her drug abuse. Police reports. The attorney could supeana her medical records. Do you know where she did rehab? have dates? Can she hold a job?

Always take the high road and keep your son's best interests at the forefront of this. It will get ugly.

My ex is using every trick in the book to keep me from my son. Lies that would make your hair curl. No proof, no witnesses, just her word.

Lots of good folks here that will help you along the way. They are full of ideas and suggestions from first hand experience. Everyones situation is different in some way, but we have all been where you are right now.

Welcome to Sparc...


'children learn what they live'

[Peanutsdad]

Its really bad timing to threaten her WHILE she is in possession. That ensured she will keep him from you and establish a status quo that says hes with her most of the time.

What I would do,, is make nice, get the visits going again, wait til you have possession, THEN file if this is whats going on.


Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm

[Childrenfirst]

You have been given some good advice here. I am from Iowa too and it is a "mother" state.  There is not alot I can add to what the others have told you other than to repeat....You have no legal rights as a father until the court recognizes them. It stinks..but that is it.

You must keep documentation of all money you have given her...give checks because the court may go back if she is awarded custody and charge back child support.

Read everything here: Articles Archive (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm)

And you must have proof of the allegations you are making against her...your word against hers will not cut it usually.

Iowa is a one party state so you can tape her without her knowledge.

Read here for information on documenting...Tips on Documentation (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm)\

Get a good attorney in family law...come into chat and talk to others. File now for a petition for paternity and custody and make sure and get a no moveaway clause in it

Good luck. We will help you in your journey. A child needs both parents involved equally in their child's life!