I am extremely scared about the next 6 months??? Help!!! Please!!!

[helpmeplease]

My wife and myself will be unfotunately ending our marriage with divorce.  We ran down this route about 2 years ago and resolved our issues but it's just not working.  We have 1 five year old child.

Currently we live in a house with her parents (long story).  My questions are:

1.  I don't want to leave the house because of it's effect on custody.  What if her parents kick me out of the house (it's their house)?  What can I do to protect myself in this situation?

2.  I travel for my job out of state a couple of days a week.  Will this have an effect on my custody decision.  While I do travel I am still a large part of my doughter's life and want a 50/50 custody agreement.

Please any advice will be helpful.  Thank you in advance!

[Robert in NY]

Are you and your wife parting on good terms? If possible try to maintain a good relationship with her as it is the only way you can try to keep involvment in your daughters life till you get something set up legally. If you and your wife do get along fine and she wants you to be involved in your daughters life talk to her about some parenting plans and see if she will agree to one and sign it. Tell her how important it is to you to be involved in your kids life and hopefully she will be happy to agree with you and the parenting plan. Also, if she agrees to it, it will save you both a lot of money in lawyers and a big custody battle.

My situation is that I have lived with my fiance for over a year at her parents house. I did a lot there to help out on the farm and saved them over $10k last year. When my fiance decided to leave me for her ex I was out the door. Her parents do like me but they do not want to get involved in it and if their daughter was not comfortable with me being there then they didn't want me there. To be honest, I had no problems leaving. The hardest part was trying to see my 4 month old daughter at the time till we set up a schedule. I wish I could see my daughter more then I do but as she gets older I will get her every other week as we have agreed to a 50/50 parenting plan to take affect when my daughter is weaned. Things do get ackward and my ex has done some terrible things to push me away but I have never raised my voice or argued with her no matter what names she might have called me or what she might have said.

If you and your wife are going thru a divorce things will become tense at times. Hopefully they won't but when you start trying to divide up things it is bound to happen. No matter what happens just think of your kid and remember what you say to your wife will affect your time with your child. If you get upset and start yelling at her she will not want you around and will start going places when you are suppose to see your child. Then it gets ugly from there and expensive. So if something happens and she starts yelling and swearing at you just keep your mouth shut and think of you kid. I hope you don't have to go thru what I am going thru but if you do please remember what I have said.

Someone on here told me that treat your ex the way you want your child to be treated. Your child will look at the way you and your ex treat each other and they will expect this type of treatment as they get older. So the last thing you want is to have a lot of fights in front of your child or even within ear shot of your child.

Last thing, start documenting everything that happens. Keep all receipts for anything you buy for your child. Start writing down everything that happens between you and your ex and if you are supposed to see your child and she is not there with your child write it down. Write down when you are suppose to meet, how long you waited, and anything else you can think of. Also, do not just write the bad things that happen, write down the good things also. Write down things about your kid like what you two did this day, your kids reactions and anything you think is important. Keep as detailed an accurate a log as you can. I write mine down on Microsoft word but am always afraid I miglt lose it if the computer crashes or dies so I print it out after each page is completed. Some days I only write a line or two like "I did not hear or see Erin and Ava today" just so the log records what happens. If I call Erin (Erin is my ex) to see about a doctors appointment I record it in the log as well as how she responded. Any type of detail might come into play down the road if you end up going to court. But remember, she might also keep a log and the last thing you want is when you go to court her log shows how you always get upset at her and start yelling in front of your child. So always watch what you say, sometimes it is best to leave the room then to continue a conversation.

Also, I have learned this, sometimes the best way to get along is to not talk much. If you are able to visit your child at her place and you try to talk to your ex about custody and things and each time she gets upset then stop. Try to take her someplace to discuss these things away from your child and if possible away from her house. I learned from Erin that if I try to talk to her at my house or in a vehicle going somewhere I can learn more and get something accomplished easier then if we were at her parents house. She does not have the support of all the people around her when she is alone with me and she realizes that she can not hide from some questions and discussions about our daughter like she can at her house. She is also much more civil when away from her own home. I do not tell you this so that you can try to corner you ex into signing something only so you can find out some things easier then you otherwise would be able to. Also, if you and your ex get into an argument (remember, let her have the argument, you keep quiet) her parents won't associate you with their daughter always getting upset and will hopefully not prevent you from visiting your child.

I realize I have just wrote a lot and your child is a lot older then mine so hopefully you can just take your child places to visit till you come to a parenting agreement and avoid a lot of the problems I have had. If she won't let you then you will have a lot of fun coming up and I will pray for you as it is hard. If you want you can e-mail me at [email protected] if for nothing else then to talk. I have a few people I talk to that went thru similar things and it helps to talk to others or if you have a question they might have an answer. So good luck to you and if you any legal advice, talk to a lawyer. Actually, you should talk to a lawyer anyway just for advice but remember, they will protect you and your interest but if that means you and your wife will no longer get along how does that help your child. So if possible, hash everything out with your wife and then when done take it to a lawyer to have legalized. But be careful as I do not know the laws and a lawyer will be able to give you some very good advice on certain subjects so it is a very good decision to talk to one. Good luck.

[Lawmoe]

1. I don't want to leave the house because of it's effect on custody. What if her parents kick me out of the house (it's their house)? What can I do to protect myself in this situation?

Very little.  If you are paying rent, they could not just kick you out. They would have to evict you through court process. However, you have no leverage here. You would ultimately be required to leave.  There is, however, nothing to preclude you form taking your child.  As a result, before leaving, you should negotiate a temporary parenting schedule in writing until you can reach court. Seek as much time as possible in exchange for relocating.


2. I travel for my job out of state a couple of days a week. Will this have an effect on my custody decision. While I do travel I am still a large part of my doughter's life and want a 50/50 custody agreement.

Yes. The Court would certainly consider the amount of time each parent is available for the child.  It is only one factor out of many, however, and would not preclude an award of equal parenting time. You must document  what you do as a parent. Write on a normal daily schedule.  Also document when you have taken the child to thd doctor, who picked out the daycare, who discusses issues with daycare teachers. Look for independent evidence and independednt witnesses to verify your involvement.  You will have some hurdles in your case since your spouse has her family, with wwhom you live, as witnesses to make observations about parenting time and skills in Court. My hunch is that they will not be on your side