help !!!!

[Chooch0566]

Ok people .. I need some serious advice .. this past weekend my daughter (8 years old) called me .. all happy and nice because it was her birthday the next day ..
during our conversation, my daughter asked how my wife (her stepmother) was.  Immediately after her name came out of my daughters mouth .. I heard "NO MOMMY .. NO MOMMY .. SLap slap slap .. and the phone went dead. 

I tried to call back, several times .. and didn't get an answer.  Being that I love about 70 miles from my daughter I decided to call the police and child services, about the welfare of my daughter.  They went to the house and apparently there was no answer and the police told me there was nothing else they could do.

I have shared custody every other week and picked my daughter up from school yesterday (it's my week).  She told me that her mother BEAT her ... and this particular incident was because her mother has a rule .. never to talk about me .. her father, or my wife .. in her house .. and as a punishment, she slapped and hit her in the head several times.

Now....I discipline my daughtr when she misbehaves .. and am not against a spanking ...
I describe a spanking as slaps on the behind .. NOT the FACE .. HEad .. pulling hair .. or anything else with beating up.

Ok .. sorry for the long windedness, but my daughter says that this type of discipline happens all the tie ..

My question is .... what is the difference of DISCIPLINE ... and ABUSE ?  And should I pursue this and report it as ABUSE .. I am only worried about my daughters well being ..

PLEASE HELP !!

[email protected] ([email protected])

[4honor]

You need to make your daughter understand that you believe her and that you want to protect her, but that it will take you months to change it. On the other hand, if it happens again, she can and should talk to the school nurse or her teacher right away.

My boys balked at talking about what their half brother did to them, because they love him and did not want him to hate them, or to get in trouble. But they needed to testify in order for SS to get the help he needed. Your daughter needs to know that her mother has an illness and her mom can't get treatment  until DD says something to people who can help her quickly.

[Kitty C.]

I strongly agree with 4honor.........I am a mandatory reporter myself.  PLEASE help her to understand that she can go to any teacher or counselor at school to tell them what's going on.  As for the cops....if the same scenario ever happens again (and they try to tell you the same thing again), remind them of what their duty is (to serve and protect) and your daughter needs protection NOW.  Tell them that the last time you requested them to go to the home (and there was nothing they could do), she was beaten up by her mother and you are fully aware that they are mandatory reporters and have a duty to act.

One thing to keep in mind.......regardless of whom she opens up to, once she does tell someone and the BM finds out, it very likely will get worse for your daughter.  I know how desperately you want to protect your daughter and keep her from harm, but this may be a 'necessary evil', in that this is the only way to get the BM exposed.  If you don't, she will continue to beat on the child regardless, and eventually she won't need any excuse.

I don't know what state you're in, but here in IA if a mandatory reporter is aware that an act of abuse is suspected or occurred, they fail to report it, and it is determined that they knew and did nothing, they can receive jail time and/or $25,000 fine.  Not something I'm willing to risk myself and my family for, so if I ever even have a suspicion, you can bet I will report it, even if it is eventually deemed unfounded.  You might want to research your MR laws and 'strongly remind' the cops what their duty is and what the repercussions might be if they fail to act.

One other thing regarding law enforcement........if at any time you feel your daughter might be at risk, you can call the local LEA and ask for a 'welfare check'.  What they will do is go to the home and check on her to make sure she's okay.  If the BM is home, she will no doubt give the cops some song and dance, but at least it will put her on notice that she's being watched.  And I'm fairly certain you can ask the cops NOT to give your name as the requesting party, but you better check into that.  And if, for whatever reason, they feel she is in 'imminent danger', they have the authority to remove the child from the home.  If that were to happen, make sure they know you have joint custody and/or visitation rights and that the child can come to your home so that they don't have to put her into the foster system.

[Kent]

I agree with Kitty. Tell your daughter that she can talk to a teacher - if it happens again, but also about this one and other instances that happened in the past.
Teachers are mandatory reporters, and they will report it.
This has two advantages; 1st the report was not made by you (as divorced parents often make false accusations just to obtain an advantage over the other) but by a 3rd party, and 2nd from that moment on the teachers will keep a closer eye on her. The school counselor may occasionally talk to her just to check out how things are going.

Also consider recording your conversations. Check if you are legally allowed to do so: http://www.rcfp.org/taping/index.html
And check here how to make proper recordings: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/transcribe.php

Kent!

[awakenlynn]

I am sorry to hear what your daughter is going through.  Continue to make reports, continue to document it and maybe talk to her teacher and counselor and let them keep a better eye out for anything they might have shrugged off that might have been "disciplining".  My step-daughter is not welcome to talk about her dad or family here either and things get pretty dicy for her but for her its more of an emotional abuse than being spanked.  I hope things get better for you and your daughter.

Lynn

[CDAN99]

This goes beyond discipline. The physical and emotional abuse part may be hard to prove. It also sounds like your ex is trying to alienate your side of the family and that is a form of child abuse in my book. Problem is that the system will treat your ex with kid gloves and give her special protection. Trying to prove anything will probably get extremely expensive too. First thing, I would keep a journal of when the abuse occurs. Always maintain a good relationship with your daughter and let her know that she is safe with you. In a few years she will be able to make important decisions regarding where she is living. A few years will go by fast so be ready. Make sure the alienation doesn't get worse as well.