Help or advice? Hope I can post here.

[enolawolf]

I understand this is a web site for fathers who want their kids, so I hope I won't get bashed here.
I am the mother of a 15 y/o son which I have had sole custody of. His father and I had been together for ruffly 5 yrs, 3 of those yrs after our son was born.

Long story short, he talked me into moving close to his mother, who had cancer, and he was suppose to move there after he finished college. He basicly abandon us. After his mother passed, we moved back to OR. He lives in Modesto CA. He is also a meth/crack addict, 14 yrs running now. Want more info, just ask.

I have had a hard time in trying to collect child support. He is paying some now because it is being taken from him, but not the full amount. I have tried and tried over the yrs to get him interested in being a father to his son. Yes I still love him. I am not in good health, details are not important. I desprately want to get the two of them together before I go. I have done everything I can think of, including forgiving him of his child support arrears of over $20,000 that he owes his son if he would just be active in his life. I have begged and pleaded with him on every level I can think of. I understand that it is his "habbit" that is mostly keeping him away.

My question is, Can I sue him in small claims court for abandonment, child abuse and negelect? Would I flie in OR or CA? I am hoping that thru court, the judge would force him into a rehab. He was already arrested for having drugs over 2 yrs ago, but I know he hasn't stoped. CA isn't very good on the drug court.

If I can't sue him, (money isn't that important to me, but his son deserves it), does anyone have any ideas on how I can get him and my son together? Yes, I've already offered sex, lol.

If I'm not suppose to post here then I apologise. I just need help.

[enolawolf]

I also want to say that I have never in my life deneyed him to see his son for any reason and I have told him that he has an open door policy. He doesn't even have to tell me when he is coming, just show up. And since it is a 6-7 hr drive, I have offered to let him stay with us, no strings attached and would feed him.

And because Modesto is a high drug and crime area, I won't let my son go there until his father at least comes to see him for some time.

My sons father also refuses to answer any letters or requests to talk to either of us. He knows where we live, our email addresses and phone numbers.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do right?

My son deserves to have a relationship with his father. It shouldn't be left up to his father weather he is a part of his sons life or not.

My son is having problems because of this.

Thank you to any one interested in answering me.

[mafitz]

Okay you have a complicated situation, because dad is a junky.  No holds barred, no matter what you call it, the fact is he is a junky.  He is not sober, he is a crackhead.  Your son does not need to have a relationship with him while he is like that.

It is extremely unfair for your son, and the financial hardship on you is also unfair.  But you can not force someone to get sober and step up to the plate.  He isn't going to just see his son and fall crazy in love with the discovery of fatherhood anew and go sober.  It could happen, but in real life it doesn't tend to happen that way.

Child support is not going to happen no matter what you do because dad is not sober.  Small claims court is not going to force him into treatment.  You may get an award for failure to pay child support but not likely will you ever see a penny. 

I wish there was a way that I could give you a bright lining but with addicts you don't have much of one the moment you bring them into your lives.  I have in my own family more junkies and drunks than sober relatives.  I have one brother who is only sober because he is a bipolar schizophrenic, and another brother who is sober because he chose to be.  I have 2 brothers who are addicts, a dad that was an addict and died an addict, uncles who died drunks, an aunt who died a drunk, both grandfathers died drunks etc.. 

Growing up with them did not produce a good childhood.  I have good memories, but did not have a childhood.  And my two younger brothers had it even worse because I was lucky enough to get sent into foster care when I was 15. 

[Kitty C.]

The old saying goes:  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  You have done everything possible to allow the father to have a relationship with his son.  But you canNOT force him to.  And if he chooses not to, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

My son lost his father when he was 13.  DS had problems with severe ADHD before that, but his dad's death put him over the edge.  And tho I tried to get all the help I could afford, nothing worked until DS got in trouble with the law, got sent to juvenile detention, had a psych eval., and spent 6 months in residential treatment.  Trust me, I considered residential treatment long before that (I even sent him to a wilderness therapy program for 2 months, to the tune of $25,000 that I will be paying for the next 20 years), but I absolutely could not afford it.  But when the state pays for it, it's a different story.  I even told his probation officer that if I had known what it would take to get my son help, I would have told him to break the law a long time ago........she didn't even blink because she knew I was telling the truth.

I'm telling you all this because this is NOT a direction you want your child to go.  Given that you stated it is bothering him that he is being rejected by his dad, it is very possible he might act out on it.  I strongly recommend counseling or therapy for him to help him deal with the situation.  He needs it..........NOW.

I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through, but by your posts, it is obvious that you are trying very hard to prepare yourself and your son for the future.  Do you have family near by and/or have you considered designating anyone as a legal guardian in the event that something does happen to you before he turns 18?  This will be a very tricky legal situation, in that the father is still considered a parent with rights (he hasn't had them taken away, nor has he given them up outright).  So if you are told that you need to make arrangements for your son, you will be forced to notify the father that a decision has to be made.  There's two ways to go about this:  either custody will be changed to him, or he approves of a designated legal guardian you choose.

It is VERY possible that he might immediately agree with a legal guardian, but understand that it doesn't release him of the responsibility of the child (ie. child support).  He may choose to relinquish his rights, but often the courts will not allow this, unless there is another person willing to take his place (step-parent, guardian, etc.).  So if you have family who would be willing to be legal guardians to your son (husband/wife, for instance), it is possible that he could relinquish his rights and responsibilities.  BUT........that is entirely up to him.  In the meantime, you really have to consider ALL options, so that when the time comes that a decision has to be made, you have all your ducks in a row.

Inasmuch as you've stated how little the father wants to be involved in his son's life, it doesn't change the fact that this issue must be addressed.  If not, and something does happen to you (and the courts/family services cannot get him to step up, either), your son will become a ward of the state.  You do not want that to happen........