update on "what would u do?"

[mudbunnies]

well i thought i'd provide some updated info here; course its not good news.

apparently dad is unemployed again, he has been LIVING with his mother since November 15th approximately.

that means he's living 45 minutes from his daughter he hasn't seen in what 6 months, and not a single request to spend time with her.

Hasn't even asked to see her for christmas..... nothing.....

i haven't told daughter that he's living so close, i think that's her dad's responsibility.

i can only sit in wonder and shake my head....

[MKx2]

to your original post muddy ... while I'm still pondering some of her statements (and I don't mean that I disagree - just want to think them through more), she sheds a great deal of light on what "some" of the thought processes/emotions DD's dad might have at this time.  I'm not making excuses for the man ... just that these things along with other issues may be contributing to his lack of contact.  Of course, it could also be that he just doesn't want the added responsibility of being a dad when he can't seem to get his own life together as a contributing member of society.

Amber (1angry...) made a comment about men having "EGO" and needing to be needed.  We ALL need to be needed; however by nature men are goal oriented.  An inability to reach specific life goals, however small, has an enormous impact on their ability to function (Brent don't lambaste me for that one, please) in the societal perceptions of father/husband.  Granted that is a huge generalization, however having watched my bil,  ex and DH go through periods of "failure" I believe it to be true to one degree or another for most men.

No doubt the man has problems that are like an onion ... peeling the layers of issues away to get to the center is a formidable task - one which few of us are able to do without support/help.

While others may disagree with me, MO is that you should not say anything to DD about the proximity of dad.  If he gets in touch with her you must be prepared to be supportive to her, validate her feelings of sadness when he bails, and at all costs, protect your child.  I don't know if you're able to afford any counseling for her, but a good therapist should be able to help her work through her feelings ... I spent from age 8 to about 40 or so with feelings of anger, abandonment, etc.  I hate to think of her having to spend so much time and energy on such fruitless emotions.

Hang in there and love your little girl.  She's fortunate to have a mom who truly is concerned about her mental well-being.

[Indigo Mom]

Well, all you can do is be a parent to your child.  Fix the owies, inside and out.  That's what we're left to do when a parent bails.

muddie, I'm in the same boat as you, left wondering WTF?  It really sucks because we're still here for our children trying to figure out how to handle their pain.

I do have a few questions.  What exactly, does Daddy-o say when he bails?  Anything?  Does he give ANY explanation to the child or you?  When he calls to pick her up every once in a while...does he "act" as though he's been there all along and you must be on crack to ask him to stay in the childs life?  Does he take any responsibility for failing to be a consistent part of the childs life...or is it all YOUR fault?

Curious if his "stories" resemble my exes.  Cause damn...you wouldn't BELIEVE the shit my ex comes up with.  

[mudbunnies]

well when bio dad bails he nevers gives any warning, we just dont hear from him for weeks/months at a time

when he comes back, he makes no excuses, he offers no explanations

when directly questioned as to consistency and staying involved he just says "i was busy working"

when discussing all other issues, its all my (ex-wife) fault, i've been accused of 1. sucking the system dry, 2. doing drugs (even asked me for a hair sample, i gave him a handle full) 3. having affairs (nadda, not one) 4. mentally abusing him (i asked him to stop playing 32 holes of golf A DAY) and so on...

i dont worry about our past, i'm happy with my husband in the present, he has stepped up to the plate and been a loving step-parent all these years.. and yes, bio-dad has voiced his hatred for the relationship between daughter and step-dad, i very politely explained that if he wanted that kind of relationship, he had to be consistent and constant and stick around...

i guess i was searching .... i was looking at 4 sides of the issue, mine, childs, dad's, step-dad's......

i wanted to make sure that in my efforts to protect daughter i wasnt stepping on bio-dad's rights, as i watch that happen to my husband every day of every month..... i was trying to be careful, god knows i dont want to be the psycho CP that denies visits/etc like we all discuss around here, however, i didn't want my daughter to be so screwed up she cant' maintain a long term relationship as an adult because her bio dad ran in and out during her child hood kind of issues.....

i guess i have TOO much time on my hands right now and i've posted way to much so i'll just step down off my soapbox and post one last sentence...

our case, is currently awaiting a hearing on venue, once that is decided we will make decisions at that point how to handle our revolving door dad, and that way noone makes any hasty decisions, and it gives dad more time to make an effort to see his daughter since he is now so close to her

thanks for listening to me ramble.

[Indigo Mom]

I had to make sure it was YOU who wrote the post and not me.  Weird, someone is living the exact life my daughter and I are living.

You did NOT post way too much, you do NOT need to step down off your soapbox because you're here trying to do what's best for your child.  Now who on earth would say you need to stop posting about it?

I would suggest you do what the GAL is doing in my daughters case.  Order up a child therapist.  See, when "whatever he is" bails again, and both hub and I, the GAL, and the therapist KNOWS he's gonna...lil miss is going to have a professional "help" her through the tough times.

My ex is just like yours.  Accepts ZERO responsibility for his actions.  My ex is 100% responsible for bailing, yet he blames me.  In fact, not only have I denied him any and all access to her for 5 years, he can't explain why he's NEVER brought me to court!  He can't explain why he's never complained to the GAL.  Also, I'm a child prostitute.  Can you believe THIS shit?  He claims I make him pay thousands of dollars each time he sees her (which directly conflicts with him saying i've denied him any access for 5 years, and dude has no job...so wtf?).  The funny thing is, he can't show proof of ANY of it.  He did pay 50 bucks in July of '99...but dude is reaching with this whole child prostitute thing.

He spewed such utter hatred of me to the therapist, it was alarming.  Everything is my fault, I'm this, I'm that, I'm blah blah blah, but he can't give ONE good reason why he's never come after me legally.

He lies, then lies to cover his lies.  He's a pathalogical liar, and truly believes himself.  He can lie at the drop of the hat.  

If your ex is ANYTHING like mine...he will NEVER be a father.  The first step is to STOP FRIGGING BLAMING US FOR ALL YOUR STUPIDITY!

Until they can accept responsibility, it will always remain the same.

[email protected]

if you want to reeeeeeeeally ramble, there's my email addy.  Since we're in the same boat, maybe we can bounce ideas off each others heads.  

[MKx2]

You're not rambling ... you're not on a soapbox ... you're trying to see all sides of something that has the potential of destroying a part of your daughter's heart and ability to live her life uncomplicated by baggage she never asked for.

Post, soapbox all you want muddy ... you're doing a good job with your lil' lady ... keep it up.

[sweetnsad]

I go through the same thing with my daughter...I actually live on both sides of the fence..I am a CP of my five year old daughter and I'm an almost step mom to three of my SO's children...I also have a child with my SO and another on the way...
I encourage my daughter's relationship with her Dad, even though he hasn't paid me support since May...unemployed, blah, blah, blah...In my eyes, her relationship with him is more important than money, so just because he doesn't pay, I don't make my daughter or him suffer for that...Not like BM in my SO's case...She would do anything to keep the kids from him...
It's not worth it..Your child will resent you later if you don't do the right thing now...I don't think you were rambling either...we are all here for the same reasons...