HELP - Visitation dispute

[annas mom]

My ex-boyfriend and I were never married.  We have one child who is now 13 months old.  My ex left when I was 4 months pregnant and had very little to do with my pregnancy, however he was at the hospital when my daughter was born.  He saw her occassionally in my home the first 2 months of her life.  He was never denied the right to see her, he just didn't bother coming around very often.  We went to court in March 2003 because he wanted EOW visitation and I disagreed due to the fact that she was strictly a breastfed baby.  The judge agreed and issued the following visitation schedule: AP was to have her every other Saturday morning from 9am to 1pm and he was to visit her at my home every Monday and Wednesday night from 6pm to 8pm.    We both agreed to this arrangement because our relationship was cordial at the time. AP came to 2 weeknight visits that week and picked her up on Saturday as scheduled. Since then he has NOT come to ANY of his weekday visits and he has only picked her up on 2 additional Satudays. Additionally, he never calls to check on her.  He refuses to provide me with his address or his home phone number. I have his work number but I called there once when my daughter so sick that she was hospitalized and his boss yelled at me that he was not to receive personal calls at work. I also have his mother's phone number, but our relationship is far less than cordial and the last time we spoke I was told never to call her house again. In December 2003 I had to relocate for work to a town an hour away from the AP. I didn't call him to inform him of our move because I hadn't heard from him in over 4 months.  In January 2004 I received a nasty voicemail at work from him wanting to know when he could come and pick up his daughter.  I didn't call him back, figuring that when he calmed down he would call again. Unfortunately, he didn't call again, but instead had me served today for a visitation hearing. What can I do? My daughter does not know him from Joe on the street. He says I have denied him visitation, but I haven't -- he's just chosen not to show up. Have I denied him by not notifying him when we moved, even though I don't have his phone number or address? He can always get my current address from Social Services so I figured he would call them if he wanted to find us! HELP! Am I in the wrong here for not wanting her to go overnight with him until he spends some time with her? She is so young that I think it would be detrimental to her to be taken from her home by someone she considers a stranger. Can I request that the court make him spend some time with her before he takes her away? Please help........and by help I also mean tell me if you think I'm wrong. I'm open to any and all comments.

[lissa68]

Melissa(lissa68)

As far as the denial of visitation, if it is court ordered that you must obtain permission from him or court before you move, yes, he can hold you in contempt.  But you cannot force him to see his child.  He can petition for more visitation, and yes you can ask that it be supervised first, then go to overnights.  And possible, because you moved, did not notify him, he may be able to use that as a form of denial.

Personally, this is just my opinion, try to make visits work with him, instead of dragging this through court.  Work together, make the first move.  Try until there is no trying left.  Both parents working together for the best interest of the child is the best scenario.

I wish you luck, and keep asking.  There are those here with much more experience and have been there/done that.

Lissa68

[nosonew]

You have some very valid points, the child is very young, short memories, and not likely to take well to "strangers" even if that might be a parent.  

Explain to the judge what you said in your post.  He didn't show up anymore, didn't call, wouldn't give you a number or address, etc.  Explain yes, you have his mothers number, but were told not to call anymore. Explain about his boss.  You won't be found in contempt.  Besides, he also didn't follow the court order, did he?  Therefore, he is also "technically" in contempt for not following the visitation order, as if he had, this would not be occurring.  Get it in the new papers that both parties must keep the other informed of home phone numbers, addresses, etc.  Good luck

[Indigo Mom]

And 5 years later, we're still dealing with his crap.  

I don't know your ex like you do...but what do you think?  Do you honestly think he's going to continue being this way?  I've known since I got pregnant that my daughters father was a total schmuck and wouldn't ever step up to the plate...

I can't think of any parenting time schedules that would work (keep thinking of my daughters father) so I would suggest him having to call you 72 hours in advance.  If he wants to get the child on Friday, he needs to call you on Tuesday.  

I also think there needs to be some sort of "safeguard" in place for him AND you.  He will want to make sure you're not going to tell him "no" each time he calls, and you're going to want proof he's either called or never called.  Both of you should record each phone call.

Another thing...if he goes more than, say, 2 weeks without calling...he's sol until he takes it to court.  When it gets to court, you'll want to request a GAL to look over this mess.  

I might sound a bit "too" harsh, and for that i'm sorry...but when I read your post, I couldn't get my daughters father out of my head...'specially with the whole blaming you thing.  According to my ex, I've denied him his "precious baby girl" for 5 years now.  The moron....lol


ps...no long weekends until he's seen the child a few times.  They'll need to get to know each other again.  

[Peanutsdad]

Ok,

From the sounds of it, he and his family,, meaning his mother,, have ensured you have no way to contact the biodad. You have no addess for him, no phone number, and his mother has warned you not to call there again.


Since he served you with a contempt motion,, does it have a address? Or an attrny name and address? Wit either of those, you can at least get the ball rollin.

So the last time he exercised his visitation was in march or april of 2003? Then you moved in Dec of 2003? Correct essentially?

If so,, odds are, the judge will throw out the contempt motion. He gave you no way to contact him, didnt bother to call or excercise his visitation, and you needed to move for work. Makes his case kinda tough to stick.

Good luck,, keep us posted.

[KAT]

Well I'm going to play devils advocate here. You aren't going into court with clean hands. You knew his mothers phone number and address. You also knew where he worked. The only people you bothered to notify of your move was child support enforcement to make sure the money followed you but not the biological father. This doesn't look good. You should have sent him a certified letter stating your intent on moving. He had to have put an address on court documents, you should have simply sent it there, and if it came back you would have had proof of attempted notification. If you look closely at your support papers most states make it mandatory these days that you not only notify the non custodial parent but the courts 30 days prior to moving. He can't get your address from Social Services nor can you get his.
You state that you moved for work? So your child went into day care right? Into a strangers home? Why is it okay for a stranger to take care of your child all day but you want to slowly progress into visitation with the father? A good lawyer could chew your arguments up in a second.
You also have to understand that because YOU MOVED you could be held responsible for 100% of the transportation and/or expenses. Your child support could be sanctioned and if this happens again you could lose custody. Your lesson is to keep a paper trial. I don't care how unimportant it might seem at the moment, get a binder & keep it. Over the next 16 year this will probably progress to a great big box!!! Down load the parenting time tracker that this site offers (free). If he doesn't follow thru with visitation, keep it documented then once a month cert mail him yadda, yadda. If he's not following thru (and I don't mean misses a visit here & there) then you will have the proof required to modify the existing order (down the road).
You can respond to his motion with any requests that you wish, it doesn't mean it will be granted. Nor does it mean his will either. In court we are subject to the judges who each have their own agendas (and they do, believe me! Just had a judge knocked off the bench here for father bias!!). This is why it is really best for both parties to take the high road, work it out on their own then submit the agreement to courts for the judges signature (which then makes it a court order). Simply put, there is no reason why you can't contact him or his lawyer to work this out before going before the judge....or at least you can try.
KAT

[annas mom]

Actually, the address he put on court records was his mother's and even if she had signed for it, I can't use that as notification. Prior to our last court date, I sent him a proposed visitation schedule to his mother's house, which she signed for and in court he stated that he doesn't live at his mother's house and he didn't receive it.  I went back and looked at my support papers and my visitation order and neither one says anything about notifying in case of address  changes (although each is heard in a different court).  I also verified with Child Support Enforcement that since he pays child support through the state, directly fron his paycheck he can call and request the address they have on file for me (which was  my new address).
As far as the daycare goes, my child's daycare is located where I work.  I work for the school system and the daycare is on the premises of my school.  My child's grandfather also works at this school (with whom she has had constant contact since birth). Both he and I  spent our planning times with her at the daycare her first couple of weeks of daycare so that she could become accustomed to the new environment.  In actuality, she was only at the daycare without one of us for half of the day and that was usually her nap time, since his planning is in the morning and mine is in the afternoon.
I do and always have kept a paper trail. I log in a journal ALL contact whether on the phone, via mail, court visits, or visitation visits.  It is somewhat redundant at times, but I'm hoping it will pay off when we go to court.  I don't mean to sound down on fathers, because most fathers that I know are great, but this guy is different. Even some of his good friends that I still know think he treats his kids wrong. He has an older daughter whom he rarely sees in addition to rarely seeing my daughter, but he has a son that is a year older than my daughter and he spends time with him every day. Right now my daughter isn't old enough to understand that he doesn't come to see her, but soon she will be and I don't want to have to explain to her why he doesn't, because I honestly don't know.  When my father didn't show up to see me I always felt like I had done something wrong and I just don't want my little girl to feel that way.
Thank you for the great response.  It has helped me prepare for some of the arguments that I might face in the courtroom.  Let me know if you have any other thoughts! Thanks!  annas mom

[annas mom]

Hi. I'm back with an update. Sorry it's been so long. First of all, thank you all so much for all of the words of wisdom.  I did end up hiring a lawyer (the same one I used last year) and based on my documentation of events she told me I had nothing to worry about as far as the contempt motion. She says that he has not, by any stretch of the imagination, held up his end of the bargain. She also thinks that the judge will agree that the BF needs to spend some time with our daughter in order to reacquaint himself before he takes her out of my home. I did see the BF at the change of venue hearing and I spoke with him in hopes of coming to some kind of understanding. As I told him, I'm not trying to prevent him from taking our daughter for visits, I'm just trying to protect her sense of security by letting them get to know each other first. He, of course, found this absolutely absurd because after all "this is his daughter." So anyway, I guess we'll wait to see what the judge has to say. We were scheduled to go to court on Feb 16, but we got snowed in and courts were closed for the day. It has not been rescheduled yet, but I have been attempting to contact the Director of Mediation for that county since all cases must go through mediation now. I figure if I can get in touch with her we can go ahead and at least get the ball rolling. Thanks again for all of your support and suggestions!

Anna's mom

[Belle]

 You can also check if he has water turned on in his name this is public records so most of the time they will also give you the address, my state you can give name or address, some states only give name if you supply address. Look and see if he has had any tickets!!! You look up your court with each of the countys he driven in, it takes a bit of searching. I was shocked I could do this. You can then usually click on their name and get current address at time of issue.  Hopefully he's not using his mom's address for his drivers licence or this will not work for you.