extracurricular activities & visitation....

[BehindBlueEyes]

I don't take anything read here as an attack.  I come here to vent & to get opinions on how to handle situations!  :-)  

I am in the process of trying to get the child support issue addressed.  Hopefully something can be done!  He has no other children to support so there's no reason he can't pay more.  As it stands he's paying less than 10% now!   UGH!  

[tulip]

I read most of your posts. First, I'll say it is important for kids to be able to participate in activities. It's part of their growth, and as parents, I think it's our job to encourage and support that. My dh has been struggling the last few years to be allowed to keep bringing his kids to activities. Their bm doesn't want them in ANYTHING, because she is too lazy to bring them, and if dh brings them, she claims it interferes with "her time." The very big difference between our case and yours is that we live about 2 miles away from bm, and it is ALWAYS an option for her to bring the kids to activities on her time.

My sd plays soccer as well, but all her games are on weeknights, unless she is in a tournament, which is only twice during the summer. Obviously, this is your call, but I wouldn't want to sign any of our kids up for something that takes every weekend, because it affects all the other kids who aren't in that activity. Even though your ex is not part of YOUR family, he is HER family, and this activity affects him, and his family, if he has one. So it really is not fair for you to just tell him this is what his whole family has to deal with.

I understand the importance of teaching a child that being part of a team is a big commitment. You should also be teaching her that being part of a family is a commitment. Before you sign her up for an activity that affects the very small amount of time she has with her father, you should talk to her about how it's going to make her dad feel that she cares so little about her time with dad. She is not grown up, you are, and it's not her decision, it's yours, and Dad's.

Like I told you before, in our case, bm doesn't want the kids in anything that will take any effort from her. We have been going through big custody changes lately, so this isn't going to be such an issue for us. But in the past, we have had to tell the kids that when they sign up for stuff, they have to understand that their mom has every right to not let them go on her time, and we have had to talk to activity coordinators up-front about the possibility that they might not make it to every practice or every game because of the custody situation. Their have been times that we have to say no to activities because it would not be worth it to pay the money for it if mom decides to screw them over.

It sounds like you and your ex have a lot of bitterness towards each other. As hard as it is, you need to get over that. And you also need to get over the idea that you should just let her do something because she wants to. Kids don't get to do everything they want to, and that's a fact of life that needs to be learned by every child. Maybe the reason your ex didn't say anything at first is that it made him feel bad. If he demands his time with his daughter, he's going to be the bad guy in the eyes of someone he needs love from.

Next time, she wants to sign up for something that affects Dad's time, you should talk to her first about how it's going to make Dad feel that he missing out on something very precious to him, and together you should acknowledge your concern about that, and offer a compromise up front.