PAS: losing / disordly conduct: won / long post

[littlebit]

A little history in the order in which they occured:

BM asked that I begin dropping 10yr old son off at thier church so he can make practice for the Christmas play, I said yes. She said OK for me to come & told me the date & time.

I requested school info from her via certified mail.  

She responded via CM the day before the Christmas play by saying she did not want us there.  (And no shcool info by the way)

I attended son's play.  After the program, her & members of her family initiated 3 seperate confrontations with me & family.  The night ended with her screaming obscenities at us, making obscene jestures, & throwing a glass of ice at us (yes, at HER church, in the prescence of ALL the children!)

My wife filled charges against her.

BM couldn't make the first court date.

I filed for custody and filed charges for contempt of court

BM filed erroneous Restraining Order against me the week before Easter with thier church specifically named in the order (RE: Easter program)

RO was thrown out.  In addition, judge ordered HER to allow our son to call me anytime he wants, AND that he is to be at home every week at a designated time to recieve my phone call!

BM couldn't make the second court date (for the church incident).  Rescheduled for 5-19-04.

5-18-04, Weekly phone call with son went horrible!  He told me things like (sometimes screaming) he knows what I've done to his mother, he knows I call her names like #@*& and *#$@, he doesn't want to come to my house this weekend because I get him for six whole weeks and his mother needs to spend time with him.  He even starts talking about things that happened between his mother & me 6 years ago!  Of course BM was in background egging on the whole thing until his SF told him to just hang up on me....and he did!!!  Needless to say I am devistated.

5-19-04, Court finally happened.  BM refused to settle, even when offered to drop charges in exchange for anger mgt or parenting classes.  Judge was openly furious at her & told her to stop putting herself first & think of her child.  Also said thier was more than enough evidence to confict right now, but he delayed ruling for 6 months, at which time we all have to come back.  Judge promised her that he would personally see to jail time if she had the slightest incident between now & then.
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So basically she has figured out that I'm not taking her crap anymore and she's running scared.  She has exausted all sources trying to get me in trouble and it hasn't worked: DHR, phychiatrists, doctors, teachers, police, courts.  So now it seems her only chance is to turn our son completly against me, and she is apparantly doing pretty damn well.

After all that venting, I guess I'm just looking for a little advice or ideas.  I know what to do if BM refuses to let me have son, but what do I do if son refuses to come?  How should I react?  What do I say if I get to talk to him?

[kiddosmom]

Like it or not, your son cannot 'choose' to come with you. Once away from bm your son should start coming back around.

[tjraid18]

    It's tough when your children turn their anger or pain towards the absent parent. Your son is angry and hurting and his way of dealing with it is to rebel and be angry with you. Not becauase it's your fault your not there all the time, or not your fault. Simply because your not there and it's not the way it's supposed to be. Really what he is, is afraid and hurt --and he's expressing those emotions with anger. Don't take it personal. Don't think that he doesn't want to see you -- because he does. He's just an angry young person. When my son or daughter start acting like that I try to get them to laugh. Try to get them thinking about something else entirely. Something really interesting or funny to them. Then just talk for a while, and then maybe they will loosen up a little. sometimes that works for me, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't I just hope that the next time I see them or talk to them things will go better and we will enjoy each other. And it almost always works. I've learned patience.
    When my ex-wife and I first got together she already had a little girl. When her girl would go visit her dad (Which hardly ever happened) she would come back and direct that same attitude to her mom. Her mom would tell her she would not go to see her dad again because of her behavior when she came back. It works both ways. Just understand that your son is scared, hurt and angry because his world is not what it was supposed to be.
    When my kids were younger I used to have little heart to heart talks with them about things. I would just say what felt right and reassure them that their mom and I still loved them more than anything. It helped them and me a lot. Now that they are a little older it's a lot harder to have those talks. My son is a lot harder to reach now than my daughter. maybe it's a boy thing to harbor the anger more. My daughter is much more understanding. Think of something new and really fun to do with your son on your parenting time. If he likes yu-gio cards, get some and get involved in the game with him. find some common ground and try to be a friend to him and establish a relationship he is comfortable with. The ex will likely try to sabatoge attempts for you to have a good relationship with him --- if so talk to him in a positive way about that. I've talked with my kids about anger and meanness and hate and some of the other things that occur in divorce. In a positive way. Lay it out on the table and maybe he'll come over next time and ask you some questions about things. Mine did.
     Another idea is to go for bike rides or hikes together. It's easier to get close and talk about things. When he accuses and blames you, calmly explain the truth to him. Talk positively about his mom and remind him that you do so.(If possible) Hopefully he will be able to see the way things are, that you are his dad and love him always; and he will let go of some of the bad feelings going on inside.

[lucky]

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[nosonew]

Suggestion on son: If he verbalizes to you he doesn't want to come, DO NOT give in! Explain that this is between the adults, and that he cannot make this choice, and neither can his mother.  He is to come to your house as scheduled, end of story.  

Hopefully he will see the light after being with you for 6 weeks!  Good luck!

[Kitty C.]

Even the judge knows that the child doesn't have that choice, so if she ALLOWS your son to make that choice, that's just another screw-up on her part.  Let her try, maybe a couple times only, then file another contempt on her.  This will piss that judge off to no ened and he WILL throw her in the slammer then!

[ready4change]

My husband and I have dealt with this same issue with my oldest stepdaughter (she's 11).  All her life, her mom has told her things like, "You are a part of my flesh and blood, there is no bond stronger.  Your father doesn't want to see you.  If your father really loved you, he would ______________________" We have never discussed pending court issues with any of our children, but it has always been apparent by things that they would say that they were being questioned and informed by their mother.  When my oldest daughter called out of the blue and said that she didn't want to come anymore, we were baffled as things had been fine.  My husband told her that he would be picking her up as scheduled.  Her teacher told me that she had said that she thought her father hated her.  It became clear pretty quickly that she was testing my husband to see if there was any substance to what her mother was telling her.  At the following visitation, we asked her what her mom would say if she called one day from school and said, "I really don't like what you packed me for lunch and you've been grouchy lately, so I'm just going to go over to my friend's house for a few days". She said she would get in trouble.  My husband told her that just because he doesn't live with her all of the time, doesn't make him less of a parent and that he would not expect to ever get a call like that again. She almost seemed reassured and it has not been an issue since.

I'm not sure what your legal custody arrangement is but if you have joint custody (legal), I would send the BM a certified letter stating that you would like to start your son in couseling on the Friday's that you have him starting two week from date of letter.  This communicates to the judge that you are concerned about your son, it gives you an independent witness and it helps your son talk about his feeling/struggles.  It's a win-win situation.  When you go back to court in six months, you explain to the judge what a nightmare it has been. If BM has sole legal custody, taking him to a counselor may not be a good idea since she could file contempt as counseling is considered a "medical decision"  If this is the case, you might have to get an order from the judge to get your son into couseling.  

I have a feeling that you will be ending up with custody in this case.  You handed her the rope, she knew right where to put it and now she's hanging herself.  Good Luck!!!