Can Someone please help?

[booger_cat2]

Hi,

We have just recently come upon an issue that we really don't know what to do.  Until now we had co-existed fairly well, with a few minor hurdles.  

Here's the deal......My husband's daughter was born in 1991, and approx. 15 months later he was informed that he had a child by HIS mother who received a phone call from his ex-girlfriend saying that she just wanted her to know that she had a grandchild.  That's where it all started.  He went through the paternity tests and the like and it was decided that the results obtained in the test could be the same as any other random man (99.92% that she was his), so with that percentage, he accepted her as his daughter and started paying child support and was given visitation that was "mutually agreed to between the parties".

Well, this went on fairly well until March of 1998 when the child's mother decided that she didn't want him to see his daughter any more and he had to go get set visitation through the courts.  The order was signed by the judge in May of 1998, after 11 weeks of non-contact with the child.  For a few months before that, the only way he could see her was to come to her mother's house every weekend (her house was 30 miles away) for a few hours and sit on the floor and play while she watched over our shoulders.  Once the order was signed, we haven't had much trouble (at least nothing that couldn't be handled between the two of them).

She was with us for the normal weekend of July 2-4, 2004.  Her daddy has just had knee surgery and can't get around yet, so I took her home to her mother's.  She hugged her daddy and kissed him good-bye, told him she loved him and off we went.  We got to her house at 8:30 pm (the time in the order for weekend return), and the first thing out of her mouth was "YOU'RE LATE!!".  This took me totally by surprise.  Evidentally, the holiday schedule is 10am to 8pm.  We were always told that the holiday schedule precedes the normal weekend schedule, but once the holiday schedule is over, the normal schedule takes over again, so we assumed (I know, never do that) that the return time would be 8:30, since the holiday schedule fell into the normal times.  I left her there and apologized that she was late just to avoid an argument in front of the child.

Well, on July 9, 2004 (which was supposed to be the first day of a 2-week visitation) at about 2pm, there was a message left on the voice mail from the child that she didn't want to come up here anymore and not to come pick her up.  After speaking with an attorney, we were informed that we couldn't hold her in contempt if we didn't keep up our end of the bargain.  So we showed up at the normal time like there had been no message.  The mother told us that the child had left a message that she didn't want to come with us anymore.  We told her that we had gotten the message and were here anyway because the child is only 13 years old and cannot make that decision, she was under court orders to come with us.  Her mother stated that she can make the decision at 13 whether or not to come for visitation with her father and that she didn't want to see him anymore and that she was not going to force her daughter to go somewhere she didn't want to go.  He then asked her if she was going to allow his daughter to come with him for visitation or if she was going to deny it.  She re-iterrated that she was not going to force her to go somewhere she didn't want to go.  He then asked her again if she was going to allow her to go or deny him visitation.  She finally said that she was not going to allow her to go.  There have been problem similar to this over the years, but it was just between the two of them, the daughter has never been involved.  Now she has the child so brainwashed that she won't even return her father's calls.  She tried something similar to this a few years ago, saying that her father was abusing her because she came home with a red spot on her cheek.  This was all investigated (including me) and it was found that since she had been served with court papers the week before, it was retalitory.

We have filed a contempt order against order, but what do we do now?  We have a court date of Aug. 19th, but my husband is at his wit's end.  He wants to spend time with his daughter, but does not want to argue in front of her with her mother.  We also figure that she will bring the child to the court date in August, can we request that the child not be present for the "parent bashing"?  The only one that this is hurting is the child.  Isn't there some kind of legal way that we can work this out so that the bickering will end?

Sorry this is so long, I'm new at this, but I really want to work this out.  We have a child between us, he's 10 now, and cries just about every night that he misses his sister and thinks that he has done something wrong so that she doesn't want to come anymore.  I keep trying to assure him that this is not his fault, but he is convinced that it is.  We love her just like we do our son, we just want to spend some time with her and not have to worry about all the arguments.  This is the perfect summer for her to be here as her father is off work with the knee surgery and had all kinds of plans for the three of them.

Can someone please give me some advice?  Thanks.  Daphne

[Peanutsdad]

Welcome to the wonderful world of PAS.

I would suggest some family counseling for the kids,, INCLUDING the 13 yr old daughter.

Here are a few links that should help you out:

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm

Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm

Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm

URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.htm


http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vassiliou.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner06.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-navarre.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner01.htm

THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand01.htm - size 40kb - 20 Oct 2003
12. Mediation And Parental Alienation Syndrome by Anita Vestal
This article looks at parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is a complex manifestation of mental and emotional abuse resulting from conflicted parents fighting for custody.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vestal.htm - size 52kb - 20 Oct 2003
13. Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children
PAS is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has described three types: mild, moderate, and severe, each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner02.htm - size 54kb - 20 Oct 2003
14. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Studies of target parents who are falsely accused of abuse report they tend to be less disturbed than their accusing counterparts.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand12.htm - size 53kb - 20 Oct 2003
15. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand11.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
16. Parental Alienation Information Archive
All the information on the SPARC site regarding Parental Alienation has been consolidated on this central reference page.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm - size 17kb - 20 Oct 2003
17. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II) (cont.)
In the following case, the accused father was an officer in the military. Testimony on PAS by the defense expert provided the judge and jury with some alternative explanations as to the reasons the children accused their stepfather of abuse.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand13.htm - size 31kb - 20 Oct 2003
18. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand02.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
19. Expanding the Parameters of PAS
The newness of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) compels its redefinition and refinement as new cases are observed and the phenomenon becomes better understood.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm - size 32kb - 20 Oct 2003
20. PAS: How to Detect It and What to Do About It
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-walsh2.htm - size 24kb - 20 Oct 2003




One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.

 

[wendl]

Make sure to document all events that occur.  Keep trying to see her keep trying to call her.  In the contempt hearing if the child is in the room, I personally would ask the judge to pleas have daughter removed from court room and wait outside as these are adult issues.  JMO
Ask the judge for missed time to be made up an a certain weekend or week, that way there is NO confusion when the make up time will occur.

:)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[booger_cat2]

Thanks for all the advice.  I will pass it on to hubby.