Looking for suggestions/comments (long)

[oklahoma]

Background: BM took SDs from our home summer  2002, refused to allow any contact between us and them, and took my husband to court in October 2002 with false accusations of abuse.  We were ill-prepared and just plain unlucky.  Judge ordered 1. anger management for my husband, 2. joint counseling between husband and SDs, 3. supervised visits with the intent that regular parenting time eventually be reestablished.

My husband has completed first 2 requirements--it was like pulling teeth to get BM and her mom (who brought SDs until she got bored with it) to stick to counseling appointments, so that took like 5 months instead of the few weeks it should have.  The counselor told BM point-blank that my husband had done nothing wrong in the "situation;" BM point-blank told counselor that she would not allow things to move on until my husband admitted guilt and apologized.

Anyway, we made it through that circus, and finally my husband had his first "supervised" visit July 9th.  Last Friday, BM's mother, who is the supervisor, went out of town so no visit last week. (And of course, my SDs will be told that somehow this is Dad's fault and he is so inconsistent, when BM did not let us know it was a problem or offer another date/time until that Friday morning.)

The dilemma: My husband is a full-time student, starts law school in August.  Before he can start law school he has to complete 24 more credit hours, and his new summer class schedule starts today.  He has class from 9 am to 8:50 pm Monday-Thursday (with a few short breaks in between some of his classes.)  Fridays and Saturdays are supposed to be devoted to work--so that we can feed our family and pay rent....  (Plus he has people depending on him.)  This schedule goes through August 13th, after that his class schedule is much more open.

So because BM put things off for so long (and continues to), we are in a position now where my husband really cannot afford to drive the two hours up to see his daughters for two hours and then drive two hours back home.  BM originally stipulated 6 supervised visits and then "discuss," but at this rate we won't get through those until like December!

If my husband doesn't pass even one of his classes this summer, we are out of luck for law school. (It stresses me to no-end to be that tight, but it was finish a few extra credits this summer, or wait a whole other year to go to law school.)  But if my husband even suggests that he is unable to visit for the next few weeks, he will immediately be labelled the bad guy--he already has that label without it being his fault at all.  Of course, he could continue to set up appointments, and let BM be the one to cancel them.....

After two years of no visits and almost no contact at all, we are just on the verge of getting back to "normal," and I hate to think of doing anything to ruin that.  My husband, obviously, is anxious to have his daughters back in our home, but he is also just relieved to know that they know he cares--he always talks about when his dad disappeared for years and then just showed up on their doorstep on Christmas Day, and how that was the greatest day because, despite all that his father had done in the past, they knew he cared.  We know that OSD is anxious to get here too; YSD is pretty non-committal either way--of course that doesn't matter because despite all her pretty words about the "girls' comfort level," BM is only worried about her own self.  The court order is extremely vague, and essentially gives BM all power....

[tulip]

I can see why you are so stressed.

Would it be possible for your husband to put off his classes for a few months, until things get settled down with sd's?

Is he allowed to have phone contact with them?

I think the best way would be to start his law classes after another quarter, so he can get things straightened out with the kids first, then they would be able to come to your home and visit, so you wouldn't have to worry so much about "squeezing them in." He's got a lot going on, and it sounds really hard.

If he can't put off school, he should just explain to the girls that things are going to take longer than he had hoped, and why. He should be able to keep in regular contact with them by phone and mail while they are waiting for him.