out of state visitation?

[cavaor]

We would like to propose a new visitation schedule and we would REALLY like some ideas. Currently we live 7 hours away from NC Mother. The little one is in Kindergarten (4 yo) and currently misses every other FRI to go see her mom.

Current set up is:
***every other weekend Thurs-Sun. Exchange is 7pm.
(little one misses Fridays at school to be in a daycare all day, she returns home on Sun around 11pm...5 hours past her bedtime)
She has outbursts at school on Thursdays of exchange and her teacher has made note that the behavior is ONLY seen on that day. Also indicated she doesn't want to go to her visit but I realize a child that young really has no say in court and we are trying not to encourage the behavior but its disrupting her school life.
***Christmas...exchange is at 7pm (which puts little one on road all day not being able to enjoy Christmas anywhere really) through New Years
***NCP has every other Thanksgiving, no arrangements have been made for summers, etc
We each drive half way and meet at an exchange point in a mall. Unfortunately, the NCP has a tendency to be 30min-1hr late on returns. Nothing in order regarding timeliness.

There is nothing in the order regarding phone calls, but we do allow them. The little one refuses to talk on the phone to NCP but we make her at least for a little bit. In 15 months, the NCP has never once sent a card, letter, etc just the $60/mo child support check a couple of weeks late.

Problem: Sole Custodial Father has now been moved to 2nd shift (3pm-1:30 am) with days off of T,W, Sat.
His wife (me) is a medical student who has patients, call, and a very unreliable schedule. When on call..I have to stay within 30 minutes of hospital..which isnt a problem if I am at home..but is a problem for a 7hr RT exchange drive. NCP refuses to budge on the schedule irregardless the reason, to the point of CP having to miss work because she couldn't wait a couple of extra hours in exchange for an extra visit day.

We basically were assigned a standard visitation even though both parents lived in different states when custody was changed.  Any suggestions, things to add, etc. as we hope to present this to the judge.

[Kimberly9]

I think a judge will end the missing school every other Friday -- that just won't make sense past Kindergarten.  I also think the judge will change the pick-up time to have her home before bed.  It sounds like you have a lot to work to do.  We are NCP that live in a different state -- but only a 4hr round trip drive.  We also have the problem of a late pick-up and drop-off and I don't have a suggestion for that one.  It stinks to rush to be there on time only to sit in a parking lot for an hour.  My biggest suggestion would be to use the school calendar to give Mom the majority of 3 day + weekends.  Usually there is an inservice weekend, holiday or parent teacher conference day that parenting time could be built around.  Maybe you could decrease the parenting time to once a month during the school year -- over the natural 3 or 4 day weekends.  Also, you need to give Mom significant time in the summer.

Here is a sample parenting plan to consider.  Look how Christmas is set up.  It keeps the child off the road on the actual holidays.  This schedule doesn't rotate holidays that much, but you could easily do an odd / even year thing.:

 
A.   CHILD shall spend a minimum of one weekend a month while school is in session with her Mother  from the day school is out at 7 PM until the day before school resumes at 4 PM.  These weekends will be placed around long school holidays when possible, and will be set as soon as the school calendar becomes available.


B.   CHILD shall spend 7 weeks of the summer with her Mother.  

Unless it is mutually agreed upon in writing by both parties by May 10th   if CHILD gets out of school with at least a week before Memorial Day weekend, CHILD's summer schedule will be:

a)   CHILD will spend one week with her Mother beginning the last day of school.

b)   CHILD will spend one week with her Mother beginning the Friday following Memorial Day.

c)   CHILD will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the Friday before Father's Day.  (You will have to adjust this one -- written for a NCP dad)

d)   CHILD will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the 2nd Friday in July.

e)   CHILD will spend one week with her Mother beginning the 5th Friday in July (or the 1st Friday in August if there is no 5th Friday in July).


Unless it is mutually agreed upon in writing by both parties by May 10th   if CHILD gets out of school with less than a week before Memorial Day weekend, child's summer schedule will be:

a)   CHILD will spend one week with her Mother beginning the Friday following Memorial Day.

b)   CHILD will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the Friday before Father's Day.  (You will have to adjust this one -- written for a NCP dad)

c)   CHILD will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the 2nd Friday in July.

d)   CHILD will spend two weeks with her Mother beginning the 5th Friday in July (or the 1st Friday in August if there is no 5th Friday in July).

C.   Unless otherwise agreed, the Parents will meet at the ______ begin and end parenting time.

D.   It is understood the times each Parent shall be with CHILD can be modified by mutual agreement of the Parents. Such modifications are to be made in writing.     It is understood that partial or reduced parenting time is more beneficial to the child than no parenting time. Should valid reason occur, such that one Parent is not able to exercise his/her entire parenting/vacation time or custodial period with CHILD, make up time shall be allowed and agreed upon in writing.  Both parents shall cooperate in supplying CHILD with the full advantage of time with the other Parent.  

E.   The parents agree to the following Holiday and Vacation schedule.  Holidays, vacations, and special days will have priority over the regular schedule.    

a)   All school holidays that fall on Friday or Monday, not otherwise specified will be spent with the Parent having CHILD on that weekend.

b)   CHILD will spend each Labor Day weekend with her Mother beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

c)   CHILD will spend each Fall Break weekend with her Mother beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

d)   CHILD will spend each Thanksgiving Break with her Mother beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

e)   CHILD will spend the Christmas period from December 23 at 4 PM to December 30 at 4 PM with her Father.

f)   CHILD will spend the non-holiday time of his Christmas break with her Mother thebeginning on the last day of school and continuing until December 23 and beginning on December 30 and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.

g)   Spring Break vacation:  CHILD will spend 7 days of her Spring Break vacation with  her Mother.

h)   Easter vacation: CHILD will alternate Easter weekend between the parents beginning on the last day of school and continuing until the evening before school resumes at 4 PM.  Her Father will have CHILD during the even numbered years.  Her Mother will have CHILD during the odd numbered years.

i)   CHILD will spend each Mother's Day weekend with her Mother.

j)   CHILD will spend each Father's Day weekend with her Father.

k)   CHILD will spend each Memorial Day weekend with her Father.

l)   CHILD will spend each 4th of July weekend with her Father.

[rainbow1]

Be very aware that the court can change the custodial parent because of the shift change. My husband lost primary placement because he had to go from first shift to third shift. Even though he was home when the kids went to school and got home, because he was gone at night the court gave the mother primary placement. They dislike the primary working second shift even more.

[stepma]

I would stop the every other weekend thing, and make up for that lost time with a Spring break/ Easter visit and also give mom a good deal of the little ones summer vacation for visits. I  would be having "outbursts" too if I had to spend 14 hours in a car twice a month.

[Kimberly9]

a child needs more regular contact than spring break, and the summer.  While she probably lives two far to justify eow car rides, you can work together to find opportunities for her to be with mom on a regular basis.

[Kitty C.]

Then the only other solution would be to give the NCP ALL extended school vacation weekends (3 days +).  Until the child can deal with the long car rides, there's no other way around it.

I agree, a child needs to spend more time with the other parent......DS only saw his father every summer (all summer) and EO X-Mas, but when you're talking distances like this, there's very few alternatives, except for one parent to move closer to the other.

[stepma]

>but when you're talking distances like this,
>there's very few alternatives, except for one parent to move
>closer to the other.

Exactly! and I meant in addition to their Thanksgiving and Christmas visits.

[pickupsticks]

I don't have a lot of experience with this but what I have been doing for the past year is travel to see my child and stay in a hotel for the weekend so that I can attend her weekend activities ie sports and Monday morning I meet with her teachers. It is expensive though . My ex is taking me back for child support modification for my promotion last year so I will address travel expenses then. I am hoping that the judge will not think this is unreasonable and instead of pay Mom extra child support for every promotion I get...I can go see my child more often as long as I am willing to take the time (10 hours one way) to do it. Just a thought. Can't tell you how it works out in the end. I will keep you posted.

[Kimberly9]

there are other times in the school year besides just Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break when the child could see her mother.

And while I agree the ideal for the child would be for a parent to move closer to the other, I think that both parents should be able to work together and think outside of the box to come up with more opportunites for the girl to see her Mom during the school year.

That might mean that most of the school breaks go to the CP.  And that should be ok.  The girl lives there and they can be flexible as to when they celebrate the actual holiday.