A note from Ex

[Sunshine]

Just found a written note this morning from my Ex left at my car. He wants to take our son (4yrs) to my sister-in-law for New Years Eve - tonight.  It is always an exessive drinking party there and the communication is at low level. My brother-in-law (drug addict) is living in their household too. I don't like to see our child in this surounding as I think it is not in the childs best interest. I also don't like the fact about the short notices my Ex plans and controls my days and evenings all the time. Visitation is 'reasonable and generous'. What would you do?
Thank you and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[joni]

I would say no, sounds too much like a party house and the child is too young.

BUT offer him New Year's Day until Monday AM.  Let dad take him to preschool.  That way he can't say you're always turning him down.

[Stepmom0418]

Maybe allow him a few hours and child returns by 8pm (or whatever time child goes to bed) to go to bed at the normal time. Then child did get to spend some time with dad on New Years Eve, but at least child is home by a decent time and hopefully before the major partying starts!!

[Sunshine]

That's probably not going to work as he won't leave before 6 pm and it's an 1 hour drive one way (so a total of 2 hours drive). So child would not make it until bedtime, which is usually 8pm.



>Maybe allow him a few hours and child returns by 8pm (or
>whatever time child goes to bed) to go to bed at the normal
>time. Then child did get to spend some time with dad on New
>Years Eve, but at least child is home by a decent time and
>hopefully before the major partying starts!!

[Sunshine]

If I get a chance to talk to him in person I will offer him New Years Day (he asked me to leave a response taped to his door, which I won't do - probably looking for evidence to show denial)
Unfortunately he won't take the child overnight as it is associated with work (preparing food for the child, washing, brushing teeth, driving him to daycare, etc..)  He knows to enjoy his life by picking only the comfortable things and leaving other people the work.
It took me a while to figure out that after the child had spent all day with Dad (morning 9am to evening 8pm) that the child had no food while staying with his Dad.  Isn't it the responsibility of Dad to feed the child during the visit?



>I would say no, sounds too much like a party house and the
>child is too young.
>
>BUT offer him New Year's Day until Monday AM.  Let dad take
>him to preschool.  That way he can't say you're always turning
>him down.

[katz]

Could you pick up the child at 8 pm? Drive the hour there, and back? The child could sleep on the way back.

I understand your fears, but if the kid is going to be asleep by the time the partying begins, and is a sound sleeper, the child may not be affected by the environment at all?

Personally I cant understand a parent wanting their child on new years eve! Most kids will fall asleep well before midnight. Most parents get sitters, and go out and party etc. We always have the kids, and I would love a new years eve off! Then again I would probably just fall asleep early anyway, getting too old I suppose! LOL

[Sunshine]

This is not a party which starts at 8 pm, unfortunately my Ex's sister-in-law and her husband have a serious drinking problem and everybody knows. The same with two other brothers of my Ex which will attend the party as well.
They live out in the Pampa (nowhereland) I never have driven there myself (visited their only once and that was quite enough).
So once my Ex will be at the party, do you think he says NO to beer? I know my Ex and I know how the previous Christmas Parties with his family in town have been.  Maybe I am imagining to much, but drinking and driving and a child? NO WAY!  

The funny thing is, my Ex won't visit his own family without our child. The child has to be present!. This was not the case during our marriage. Still can not understand why my Ex is reacting like that? What is he hiding from or afraid to face?




>Could you pick up the child at 8 pm? Drive the hour there,
>and back? The child could sleep on the way back.
>
>I understand your fears, but if the kid is going to be asleep
>by the time the partying begins, and is a sound sleeper, the
>child may not be affected by the environment at all?
>
>Personally I cant understand a parent wanting their child on
>new years eve! Most kids will fall asleep well before
>midnight. Most parents get sitters, and go out and party etc.
>We always have the kids, and I would love a new years eve off!
>Then again I would probably just fall asleep early anyway,
>getting too old I suppose! LOL

[backwardsbike]

Hi Sunshine!

We corresponded awhile ago.  My DH is bipolar and you asked me how my ex kept the kids away.  Anyway-- you may never know your ex's motivations about always taking the child to in-laws.  These people(bipolar) are notoriously hard to figure out.  

But there is good news.  You don't have to figure him out.  All you have to do is protect your child.  It is a poor environment.  You are concerned that ex will be unable to say no to alcohol once he is there.  Therefore he would be responsible for the child while under the influence.  Also not good for your child.  This is all you need to know.

It sounds like maybe you need to fine tune your court order and prohibit his taking the child to these in laws' home.  Only you can know for sure.  You don't wantt o cut off the child's relationship with them but saftey is of paramount importance.

Good luck.

[backwardsbike]

Sounds like dad need supervised visits.

[katz]

I dont know how to do quote, but you said "So once my Ex will be at the party, do you think he says NO to beer? I know my Ex and I know how the previous Christmas Parties with his family in town have been. Maybe I am imagining to much, but drinking and driving and a child? NO WAY!"

Actually that was precisely the reason I suggested you do the driving to pick up the child.  

As for this part "The funny thing is, my Ex won't visit his own family without our child."

Its probably for show, pretending to be daddy of the year, but at least your child benefits from seeing his extended family.