not sure where I should of posted this but here is the deal...

[Kitty C.]

I suppose the reason why I lean towards it is that I see it happening in our case, especially since SS is ONLY 2 blocks away!

Two years ago, when DH had his license suspended for a DUI, he and SS would walk back and forth...then later SS told us of a dream he had where he just got on his bike and came over to our house to stay, PERMANENTLY!  It wasn't our intention to instill this, rather it gave DH and SS some serious one-on-one time.

What I have heard over and over, is that the CO is ONLY between the parents, that since the child(ren) are not named as petitioners or respondents in the action, they 'are not bound by it'.  Thus they are not in contempt if they choose to go to the other parent's home when it's not that parent's time.  And even if it made it to court, and a judge reinforces the existing order, he still has no control over that child...unless that child were to go someplace other than a parent.

And when it happens often enough, the court will throw up their hands and let the child live where they want to live.  The problem is, it takes a VERY determined child to make it happen.......but it DOES happen.

[knoot7]

I wish it was walking distance unfortunately it is not. We live about 40 minutes away from her. He goes to school  near NOnna's hosue and has "before/after school care" at his Nonna's hosue which is the central point for him. He has been making the choice to stay at Nonna's house on Tuesdays and just recently he has gone to our house...but for months every Tuesday he asked to stay with Nonna's for one reason or another...he is already making the choice - but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he will find excuses and make excuses to stay at a friends house or at Nonna's instead of being with her - even opting/asking to visit his aunt so he doesn't have to stay with Bm. I just wish he didn't have to feel like this ...and just isn't old enough in the courts eyes....

He is also too sensitive to tell BM that he doens't want to be with her adn rather stay with us - it would definitely have to be court ordered since first she wouldn't listen to him and refuse his wishes and then second lash out at him and hurt him mentally. As of right now instead of him asking to stay with us - he asks us to ask her so it doesn't look like he is asking...and choosing us. He wants to make everyone but himself happy. I ahve tried to talk with him abotu this - but it really is just who he is...he cares about everyone and their feelings - which of course I can't fault him for it! :)

[wendl]

You are lucky you get to spend so much time with ss.

I would suggest getting a journal and documenting all the time that you have with ss.  By doing this you will esablish a status quo so to speak that you have have ss over 50% of the time.

If mom is being civil continue to work with her, ask her that if for some reason she has plans could you watch ss etc.

Best wishes.
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[joni]

*****If mom is being civil continue to work with her, ask her that if for some reason she has plans could you watch ss etc.******


you know, there's a good thought there.  if the mom doesn't feel threatened by you guys and realizes that she could leave the son with you, without ramifications, she would trust to do so.

I thought of two related things to support this.  just read in my local paper about a baby being abandoned at a firestation around the corner from my house.  there's an amnesty law in Illinois, so parents can abandon their children without prosecution.  if your SS's mom feels she won't be prosecuted by you and your husband for 'abandoning' her child with you, she may be prone to do so.

But then I thought that you have a complicating factor here.  Mom's got another child.  Is this child your SS's half sibling?  I think this may be creating the situation.  Maybe she only 'dump' SS with you when she has arrangement for her other child to be 'dumped' somewhere.  Maybe what's happening if that mom is forced to dump both children with other friends when she doesn't have arrangements for the other child.

The same thing happens to my cousin's sister in law.  She's got 2 kids by 2 different dads.  She's often left in a position where the dad's family of one kid will take their child but not the other.  As a consequence, because she doesn't have arrangements for the other kid, she doesn't let the other child go to dad's family.

[knoot7]

The problem I have is that there isn't any ramifications of her dumping him off to us or anyone else for that matter. We are letting her get away with not taking any responsibility for her son or her actions of going out and not holding her son to the quality time she USE to spend with him. There is a difference - she wasn't always like this - before she would smother him with love, kisses and such to the point he would get annoyed with it...and now to the other extreme - no love, no time and no responsibility for her change in actions. She can ditch him anytime - and yes we take him any time but when are they held accountable for their actions? When it enough enough and it is time for her to stop hurting her son? It isn't fair to SS to have a mom and now not have it. If his expectations are to only see her once a week - it would be different and he wouldn't be disapppointed all the time. If she didn't have him full time he would knwo he is wanted at our house, he woudl have the family time he needs and thrives on and he would know what to expect. With her he has no clue when he is going to get ditched....he didn't even know he was moving until she drove him to her friends house and then told him she moved. She wouldn't let him talk to him father about the fact that he moved either! When he said to talk to Mommy and DH called her - afterwards she called SS up and freake dout on him for talking to DH! Uggg...it just makes me so angry that I get to sit by and watch this woman take no responsibility of her actions, of her son, or anything for that matter. I hate to see SS hurting and having to learn to play the game so she doesn't know he wants to be with us. I hate to see how intelligent he has gotten of her and how to work it...he is 10 and shouldn't have to do all of this.

AS for dumping at friends houses - yeah she dumps him at friends houses when she doesn't want us to know she is dumping him, when Nonna isn't home or when we aren't home. She usually gives Nonna first choice then asks us. Nonna calls us and if we can we take him  - we take him. AS of late we have been offering to have him and she doens't hesitate. We offer to avoid him being dumped at friends houses. As for his 1/2 sister - she gets dumped somewhere else. Usually with her babysitter and now that BM has a car will be dumped off to her dad. She will separate the kids without issue and she totally treats them both differently.

I know I have it good here we are lucky that BM doesn't want SS around...she only ahd him to trap DH in the first place.....when that didn't happen and she realzied he didn't ahve a ton of money she left DH adn SS alone for almost two years - she has already abandonded SS once in his life already! To sit by and watch SS hurting really stinks! Especially if I could be doing something about it!