Parenting Differences/Just a Vent/long

[LizaLou1]

For the most part my ex is a walk in the park.  But last night he really frustrated me.

Last term DD (age 8)  hid her failing math papers under her bed.  But, the report card of course gave her away (D in math).  As punishment, she cannot watch TV during the week (with a few exceptions) for this term.  We developed a plan to take the fear of of math and she starts tutoring next week.  So I see the issue as closed.

Well that's not good enough.  Dad wants her to drop out of Brownies - her only activity other than Church.

This weekend is Dad's but DD has a special Brownie function Saturday from 8 - 12.  I offered to transport her or swap weekends his choice.  He said no on both counts.  He told her If she'd rather go to Brownies than see him, then she just loses the weekend.  He left the decision up to "you and your mom".   DD is so confused because she wants to do both.  Which is easy to understand from a child's perspective.

Just this month, he declined to participate in the He and Me Nature Walk and  the Me and my Guy Dance/Party.  DD predicted he would not participate and she was correct.  Both events are next month, but he says she doen't need to go and should stay home (my house not his because the events are not on his weekend).    This was offered free and clear - no strings.  All he had to do was give her his time.

He also said she needed more punishment for a lie she told almost 2 months ago.  She told a neighbor a story that ended in them going out to eat instead of coming directly home after school.   Her  punishment was to withdraw the cost of the meal from her PRIZED savings account, pay for the meal and apologize to the neighbor.  She also lost our  (mine & DH)  trust.  For 2 weeks we tortured her with "trust" issues.  Checking up behind, searching her book bag, notebooks - anything that just bugged the heck out of her.  She hated it.  We stopped after the point was made.

I found out last night for the past 3 or 4  months he has been punishing her for misbehavior at putt putt by not taking her anywhere.  She just sits a his house or goes to Church.   She is no longer allowed to visit his parents who live next door because "they" let her do what ever she wants.    For example, taking her shoes off and walking around in her socks.  For watching what ever THEY are watching on TV and for eating popcorn that was OFFERED to her.    He said she watches too much TV so she's not allowed to watch any over there and that she eats too much.
IF she visit's GPs, she must be supervised my either him or his wife.

Granted she likes TV but with no kids around or adults too busy to spend some time what are her options?  She takes books but you can only read so much.  My rule has always been you eat what's put in front of you so she is not picky eater.  She does have an healthy appetite but does not eat much junk food and she's NOT overweight.  So what's the problem?

In the past, he as wanted me punish DD for him.  Maybe I should have if this is what he does?  Of course, I don't really mean that.  He has no clue how his actions are affecting his relationship with DD.  
No insult to those who don't have children, but unless you have'em you can't imagine it.  Both my ex and his wife (no children) seem be on a soapbox saying my kid's never.... fill in the blank... when they have no idea what they are talking about.  They want her to be perfect.

He said all this to both of us .  My response was minimal because I didn't want her to see we  were not unified in her interest and because I had to leave for an appointment.  

Dad has visitation on Tuesday evenings and just stays at our house when he wants - like last night (and that's ok-he was invited  because he lives 40 minutes away).  Well, after I left DH said he continued to rag DD for 30 more minutes.  After Dad left, Dear Dear Husband (DDH) put her in front of the TV and told her to relax and enjoy.  He said she was so stressed she was almost crying.    

To end this, DD grandfather is taking her to the Me and My Guy stuff and I plan to speak to her Dad offline.

Thanks for listening.

LizaLou

[MixedBag]

You have a PM

[StPaulieGirl]

Has your daughter's father always been this harsh?  I'm all for discipline, but she's only 8.  Bless your husband for being there for her emotionally.  Grandpa too :-)

[LizaLou1]

It's hard to say if he was always been like this.  We separated when she was just 4.  While together he primarily participated only when I was not around.  He once told me he would have done more if we'd had a boy.  But don't even get me started on that.

His lack of participation was a critical factor in my decision to separate/divorce.  He caused more work for me than helped.   It was almost like I was single anyway (or had 2 kids with him being the second).  We were like 2 people sharing a house but not our lives.  We didn't argue or fight.  Instead our house of quiet - too quiet.  DD and I were in one part of the house and he was in another.  If we tried to join him he subtly pushed us out.  After a while you just give up and do you own thing.  

He's not a bad guy.  He just wants what is convenient for him.    I really think the issue is more his wife.  He has discussed with me before being caught between his wife and DD. She's not a bad person either.  But she does not (& can't unfortantly) have any children so in my view her expectations are skewed a bit from reality.

I must be hormonal, to get this deep (LOL) so I'm stopping now.

Best,

LizaLou

[StPaulieGirl]

How frustrating.  Have you ever heard of the only child syndrome?  It's not a real, documented thing, but it does exist.  I was an only child, my mom felt that I had to be perfect.  My oldest daughters friend is an only child, same thing.  The expectations are a little harsh.  It's becoming more common with one child families.  Dozens of activities, etc.  Maybe that's what's going on with her dad and stepmom.  Have a talk with them about their expectations.  Good luck :-)