question

[wantingmom]

Dear Soc,

My ex lives in Indiana, I live in Georgia.  My child wants to live with me (mom) but he's only 11.  Advice given to me is that the courts won't hear him until the age of 14.  Ex and I don't agree on much but do the best we can.  

He's re-married (although he admitted it wasn't a legal marriage) and I have to deal with step-mom alot.  After repeated requests to ex that I not have to deal with her, she still calls me, e-mails me, writes letters etc.

Ex has told her to leave me alone, stay out of situations that don't involve her etc.

My questions are these..

1.  Are my chanes of getting custody better if I wait until child is 14?

2.  Do Indiana courts take into consideration the wishes of the child?

3.  How can I get step-mom (girlfriend) to leave me alone?  She cusses, yells, hangs up on me etc. and isn't easy to deal with.

Thank you for your time.

[Imom]

We live in Indiana and just went through a cutody battle (if thats what you call it).
The courts will listen to a child at age 14, if both homes are equal then the child's wishes hold a greater factor. If the child tells the judge that he wants to live with you beacuse dad grounds him for this or that forget it, the child needs better reasons.  I also do know that you must show a change to warrent a custody change other then the fact the child wishes to live with you.  

I don't know about number three other then first requesting dad and dad only, exchange information, contact you, etc. Do this in writing certified/return receipt. Tell him that you will settle all communications be done in writing via mail or email.  Now, if this does not work you may have to file something with the court or request mediation.

If you don't mind my asking what is your visitation are you getting the guidelines? (7 days at x-mas, springbreak, and 7 weeks at summer) Because if not then file for a visitation modification, then this issue above about communication can be addressed then. Are you getting report cards, notices from dad when they take the child to the doctor that kind of stuff?

[wantingmom]

I am getting 7 weeks at summer, x-mas, every other spring break etc.  What I DO NOT get is much time in between.  I was very young when we divorced.  I moved away to go to school and signed some STUPID agreement with visitation already laid out (per ex and his attorney).  With no family and a really crappy attorney, I didn't know better.  Now, several years later, re-married and more children, my knowledge of the law is better.  Ex also re-married (not legally) a person with 3 other children from 3 other relationships.  That is hard for my son.  I have documentation that ex spends no time with my son.  She and my ex's mother make all decisions regarding my son.  He doesn't participate in activities etc.  Does any of this show "change"?  He doesn't want to live here because the rules are easier, he's always wanted to live here.  He just wants to be a part of a family where he isn't the outsider.  He's the only child in that house that isn't her "biological" child.  And with ex never being home, he feels alone.

I don't recieve ANY info about DR appointments, however I do recieve report cards.  I have to call the school and find out when they are sent home and then ask for a copy.  They always seem shocked to hear that I know he got a report card.  I send him home with a folder to save school papers in, but for the last 2 years, the folder always comes to me empty.  Also, we lived in a very small town, and ex's family is very well known.  Can this hurt me in the eyes of the law?  The judge does have to follow the law correct?  Can I do anything else that I'm not thinking of to insure that when he is 14 he can come here?  He's counting on it and also marking the months on the calender.  Thanks for the help.....what part of Indy are you in if you don't mind me asking.  I understand if you don't want to share that personal information!  Hope to talk to you soon!

[Imom]

We live in Vincennes, this is the guidelines 7 weeks at summer, spring break (every year) both weekends if possible. and 7 days at x-mas.
What is the child's school calender like. This would help to know.

First off I would ask for more time, I would file in court and ask medation, if you don't already ask for joint legal (this is the norm. these days.) Now let me say we are the cp's and this is what my dh amd bm agreed too.
Joint legal
Shared physical
Dad has physical custody from one week before the school yearl until one week after.
Mom has physical custody anytime the child is out longer then three days.
Visiation
Dad has even x-mas vacation's
Mom has odd year
And any reasonable with advanced notice due to distance.
The ncp at the time is res. for transportation.
(our bm moved to Fl. but lives in Mississippi)

I would come up with serveral versions of a new parenting plan. I don't know how long your son is out of school during the summer (our bm gets 9 weeks and three days during the summer).  What about Thanksgiving, how long at x-mas do you get. ( our bm doesn't want too split xmas every year, she says she doesn't get to spend that much time with ss???)  If you list his calender I will help on the visitation part (I'll try and give you examples) you always want to ask for the most, but may have to agree to just a little less.

How is transportation handled, because thats spit these days.  If you want extra time in between you may be responsible for all the transporting for those visits it just depends, by all means you should be allowed to visit him anytime you are in his area, but if you put in the reasonable vitation part like ours thats just water and  he can not held in contempt, so we need to come up with a way that will be forceable.

Back to mediation, most people will say it doesn't help but this will show the judge he is not willing and you are because you would have offered several types of parenting plans, plus most of the time the judge will send you anyway.

Also go to the articles here and get all the stipulations to add to these plans, plus I'll try and get the link to the new parenting guidelines so you can get things from there.

The thing I see is once you can get this done, when he doesn't inform you the child has gone to the doctor, school info and you have about six month worth file contempt, nothing will happen at first and more then likely for a while but enough of this will help you in the long run to get custody in the end.

You will find out here that this battle is long and hard. But my first step would be getting more time.

[Imom]

If this works here is the guidelines
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/

[wantingmom]

I tried to "scare" him into more time.  My father lives in ex's area so I couldn't potentially come anytime I wanted.  Within reason of couse.  I get every other Thanksgiving, depending on who gets the first week of x-mas.  That changes every year.  I get him for odd B-day, but living 8 hours away, the typical 6-9 timing doesn't work, so I would like the weekend before or after.  Sometimes he's out for "fall break".  That includes 4 days.  His dad works and child stays home with sm, never has let me bring him home with me for those 4 days.  He gets fall break every year.  I get 7 weeks in the summer, I can't have him until ONE week after school and he goes back TWO weeks before school.  That's 3 more weeks that I could have.  When I do come to town, I ask to pick him up after school, usually I have to wait until after dinner hour so ex can "tell child goodbye".  He sees the boy every day, why can't he tell him goodbye that morning before school?  Also, sometimes he can stay until Sunday, othertimes he has plans and I have to take him home on Saturday.  It's a long trip for 16 hours.   It also depends on if he's mad at me for some reason.  If he's mad or if step-mom is mad, visitation is considered a "favor" and I am denied anything extra.  I asked my attorney to draw up a new parenting plan.  His attorney fired back some stupid papers that stated any extra time I was asking for (fall break, weekend visits when I come to town etc.) be deducted from my summer break.  I freaked out, got scared and withdrew the change.  I just don't know what to do.  Thanks for helping.......please keep in touch.  Oh, the town is Martinsville by the way........ever heard of it?  About 20 miles North of Bloomington?

[wantingmom]

One more thing.......during scheduled visitation, transportation is split in Nashville Tennessee.  Otherwise I take care of all travel for any "extra" visits.

[socrateaser]

>1.  Are my chanes of getting custody better if I wait until
>child is 14?

Depends on the other facts that you can present to show a substantial change in circumstances affecting the best interests of the child. Your post shows no other facts, so, on that basis, I'd say, that even were your child 14 at this moment, you don't have much of a case.

>
>2.  Do Indiana courts take into consideration the wishes of
>the child?

Every court will consider a child's wishes, and give weight based on the child's maturity and ability to express those wishes.

>
>3.  How can I get step-mom (girlfriend) to leave me alone?
>She cusses, yells, hangs up on me etc. and isn't easy to deal
>with.

You will have to ask for a temporary restraining order (TRO). If you swear out an affidavit that the step-parent is abusive, then you can get a TRO without the other party's presence in court. Go to the courthouse and talk to the family law facillitator.

If you want to guarantee that the TRO will be upheld if challenged, then you will need to notify your ex and the step parent in writing, certified return receipt, so you have evidence that they received your notice, that you will record all telephone and other conversations between yourself and them in the future. That will permit you to use the step parent's conversations as evidence. Otherwise, it will just be your word against hers -- which for a TRO, is usually sufficient, but not guaranteed.