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need help

Started by hatewelfare, Jan 27, 2004, 11:43:31 AM

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I am having big problems with my PBFH. Background...Last year she wanted to move to Iowa with her mother and step-father. I fought the move but lost in court. She has in the past deined me visitation while living with her mother. My son is 9 and I have always had to travel to see him, I have always made the trip and he gets along with me very well and we do many things togeather.
This month PBFH nevershowed up at the meeting piont, I tried to call her but she never answered the phone. It turns out she has reported me to CPS in Iowa for "touching my son in the butt".

I had to give statements to the police in my hometown and they dropped the "charges" that would hav been made, had something actually happened.  The CPS worker in Iowa then call the ex and said he can't interfer with my court ordered visitation anymore and told her to "set up a line of communication with me and start visitation" Her answer was to file a Exprate Ordered full of lies asking the court that my visitation be stopped.
The matter is now coming before the court. We have had several telephone hearing and at the last one the judge ordered a theripist, that my Ex had been bringing my son to, to subit her "curriculm vitae" to the court.  
I told the court I feel he was being couched and the judge made the theripist aware with this staatement "Mr. 'Hatewelfare' is claiming the 'son' has been influenced by his mother and that is why he is making these allegations of inappropriate act(s) by his father."

She is claiming in her affidavite that he crys and yells when she puts him in the car for visitation. That he wets the bed for several nights after he comes home from me. That he has nightmares of someone coming into their home and shooting everbody. Her mom subitted a affidaveit that state he is rude to family members, slams doors and stomps around after visitation. it goes on and on.
She had also brought him to a doctor to examine him and state that he 'wouldn't take off his pants to let the doctor examine him. He didn't want the doctor to touch him or even look at him"

He has never wet the bed at my house, never slams doors and everbody says he is very well behaved. We do everything to geather, sledding bike riding, playing this last Chritmas I bought him a BB gun and he loved it. He has told family and freinds he like to see me. etc. etc.
She also claims I have a very violent temper...not true at all!

I a very uncomfetable with the "curriculm vitae" the judge has ordered. I don't know what it means and whats involved. I also have a fear that the threipist will ask "loaded" questions and and such.

The theripest is out of my state, I have never talked to her.

1 What does a "curriculum vitae" mean?
2 whats involved in it?
3 How easy is it for a theripist to tell a child is being coached?
4 Why would my son supposadly wet the bed there but never at my home?
5 What does L.L.S.W. stand for? (at the end of the theripist's name)
6 Should I ask the judge to go ahead and have anytests do on me if she wants to to disprove her claim of me having a violent temper?

Any advise on how to 'counter' any of the theripists claims if she doesn't recomend visitation for me? Do I get my own to examine my son then?

I plan on fighting this and have witnesses in court as to my behavor and my sons while we are togeather.


#1- I have no idea
#2- same
#3- Depends on the therapist and how good he/she is. If your child is 9 years old, chances are he is caught in the middle of wanting to make cp happy, and being loyal to you.  A very tough situation.  At this age they can make or break the case simply by either continuing the lying or telling the truth when talked to alone.  Also, therapists are taught signals of lying, not looking you in the eye, etc.  Most kids can't lie well at this age. Lets hope that is the case here. Also,
#4- I would say cp is stressing him out, excellent question.
#5- LLSW, should be LMSW, Licensed Master Social Worker, someone with a Masters Degree in Social Work, I would check it out, and request a child psychologist rather than a Social Worker to work with the child.
Or a child psychiatrist, either one, but do some research first to find a good one.
#6- Absolutely.  Tell her you are more than willing to do any testing needed.

Also, I have a hard time believing anyone can accurately determine anything without speaking ot both sides.  MOST RELIABLE AND PROFESSIONAL therapists will not make any decisions without speaking to all involved.  You may be able to get the testimony thrown out if it is negative towards you as it is biased, and the person did not speak with you about anything before making a determination of what occurred.

You need to get your attorney (get a family law atty) on this pronto! Also, if you have pictures, video tapes, etc., of when your son is at your home, that would be good also.

Hopefully you have searched the archives for information regarding this, which will help you immensely.  Good luck!


In answer to those questions that weren't answered for you already...

Cirriculum Vitae - Basically a resume.

Professionals and executives typically use this format to showcase specific areas of study or work they've completed in a summary document.

My translation - don't let somebody try to b.s. you with two bit words.
Just so you know the "Curriculum Vitae" term is from our root language, Latin.

Before you ask the judge to evaluate you, I would think that you need to empower yourself with your own specialist, e.g. hire your own "expert" child psychologist for an opinion rather than put yourself or subject yourself in a situation where a negative perception has already been created and is already prejudiced against you that may cause you more grief than relief.

I'm not a counselor, therapist, or medical professional in any way, but:

Obviously you're upset. So try to relax. When we get into argumentative situations, the counterpart to the argument will typically use a tactic that involves breaking a person away from their "zone of comfortablity". Don't be drawn in to making hasty decisions or actions. Find a way to strategize what you intend to do in a well thought out manner that allows you to be as much in your own "zone" as possible.

Good Luck!

Dr. D

First, let me respond to your direct questions.  
A Curriculum Vitae is a resume of sorts.  Professionals use it to include more information that a typical resume. 2. A CV may include publications, speeches, lectures, workshops, etc.
3. As far as how easy it is to determine if a child is being coached - that depends on several factors....how "good" is the child at acting and how well trained is the therapist.  A good experienced therapist should be able to tell if someone is coached.  4.  Children wet the bed at different times - may simply be a concidence.  5.  L.L.S.W  is a licensed Social Worker 6. Work with the judge and the therapist.  

If you are not comfortable with the said therapist, ask the judge to appoint another, or engage yourself in therapy with one you trust.  Do not wait until things are against....work NOW to get custody of your son.

I would like to know what makes you believe you might loose?

Be honest......and open.


I would like to know what makes you believe you might loose?

I have been to court with this woman many times. Some with an attorney and some without. It seems I always end up on the losing end. She is very good at crying in front of the judge and making a big sob seen. It seems to work for her and she plays it to the T.
I thought I had a very good case to fight her move out of state last year, but the laws are stacked against a guy trying to prove otherwise.

I guess I have just been beaten down time and time again by this woman, I have nearly given up at times. I know for a fact I didn't do anything, but it hurts me that she even thinks that, and can be so mean to me and my son by doing all this.
When my son was growning up I lived in fear that he might brake a arm or leg or something while playing in my care. I have been reluctant to spank him when he needed it, instead have used "time-outs" and making him stand in the corner. Not that I think a child needs spanked ever time they get into trouble, but at times it can get their attentition. I AWAYS talk to him after any punishment and explain what he did and what I expect of him.
It's just a fear of being drug back into court for eveything I do with him. I'm just like any other father...I can make mistakes...but unlike most fathers I have a ex that jumps at any little thing to try and stop me from having visitation...it gets old after 9 years.

On the plus side I just found out I am "cleared" of any 'wrong doing' by Iowa CPS, I will have the letter in have in a few days. THat is a big relief, it has been a long month not seeing my son...I am looking forward to see him this weekend if she dosen't try and pull something else. I am also looking forward to say my side in court. I have waited  9 years for this day to come that I have a chance at costudy...I plan on fight this one ver hard.

 I know my son loves me and his mom...just like every costudy battle the child ends up losing no matter what the out come...they are with out one parent, and that is the sad part. I've been told to wait until he makes the choice, but when he is with me he is happy and at ease, he has told me things that he dosen't like about his home, school and step-brothers. I'm sure he tells mom the same about me. It's just I try and talk to him about it and give him advice on how to handle problems, while his mom want to protect him from the world and make everything a dreamland for him.

I have always thought just because you keep you child alive and feed dosen't make you the better parent, it is a combination of many things that make a good parent. But with the courts, they only look at changing costudy after the damage is done. I believe the damage is aleady happening with my son and it hurts me, as a father, to not be able to help because of the system we have.

Dr. D

It sounds as though your ex...is bound and determined to keep you from a healthy relationship with lots of time with your son.  Try to make the best of the time you have.  Enjoy long talks and honesty.  Remember, that your son will not always be a child, but always your son.  Someday, as an adult, he'll then understand and hopefully, your relationship will be solid.  I am sorry that you have to go through this. Don't give up on the relationship...>Dr.D