What do you say to your child...

[Ref]

when they ask you about the details of the court case that the other parent is telling them about. What do you say when they overhear the other parent yelling at you over the phone and saying things like "She is a WONDERFUL CHILD" as if you had just said otherwise or "Stop abusing me!!!" when you didn't say anything at all.

SD is starting to beleive that DH is a monster by the lies his ex is telling her and the horrible things she is screaming at my DH when SD is in earshot.

Do we explain to her that there are tow sides to every story. Do we explain that if you hear one side of a phone call, you miss alot of whta is going on?

How do we handle these things with SD so that we are not outwardly accusing her mother of the disception that she genuienly is pulling?

Please give us some advice on how to discuss these things with SD. She beleives that DH is bullying her mom in court. DH tells her that it is an issue between him and her mom and that she should not worry about it. The problem is that BM is telling her that DH thinks she is a child and that it is HER life too and has a right to know. Now DH looks like th bad guy and like he has something to hide ontop of making him look like her doesn't respect SD.

She is 13.

[DeeDee]

1. vistation begin with a counseling session..

If this is not possible, then matter is discussed in front of a fully licensed therapist in your state and your dh will meet with therapist first to broach said subject.

2. Have the judge make an order to 1. stop said discussions and to 2. approve counseling so that child may have the benefit of a mental health professional before and after each court date. (which both, either, or NEITHER may be present at, but must only take place with the knowledge of all parties beforehand).

3.  The therapist must be appointed by the court with the approval of both parties involved(including a GAL) if one is present.

4.  your dh must NOT speak with his ex within earshot of the kids...just cannot do it!!!(believe you me give his ex no Fuel for her fire...eventually she'll just start burning her shoes or limbs or something..

[Stepmomnow]

Hi

I completely feel for your situation.  I do not know what you can say to your SD, other than to tell her you love her and reassure her that you would never do anything to hurt her.

BM in our case used to screem over the phone to my DH, although she is not samrt enough to be as calcutaling as your BM.  
she would then deny that she had said something, or twist what my DH had said.

What we did is refuse to communicate with her except by e-mail.  This has worked wonders, because we keep copies of all the e-mails and can call her on her BS when reality shifts.  I would suggest that you DH send her a certified letter stating his concerns with the effect of the phone calls on SD, and state he will only communicate by e-mail (fax works too).  Then if she gets on the phone before or after SD, just have him say "Send me an e-mail" and hang up.  

This has worked really well for us and we have suggested it to a friend, who is also happy with the results.

[MixedBag]

DH's EX does this stuff too -- over the phone.

She tries to make DH look bad in front of their son and their son can only hear one side at a time of course when it's on the phone.

DH talks to son when son is here mainly but also on the phone when he knows that she's not home so that the son can speak freely.

DH tells son that he is aware of the game that she is playing too and that son is caught in the middle trying to please both parents.  He reassures his son that he loves him and that as far as Dad is concerned, games don't need to be played and that the son doesn't need to "suck up to dad" in order to be loved by dad.

And then he leaves it at that....

The son has figured out mom -- and all of her games, bit by bit.  Since SD stepped off the plane (according to your other post), you should have had a good weekend on YOUR TURF to talk about some stuff.  Hopefully she returned a bit stronger and wiser -- like DH's son has.

[backwardsbike]

What do you do when the kids don't ever seem to be able to "figure the ex out".  Mine think their CP is all good, all knowing and all powerful and that whatever he or SM say is the Gospel truth.  They think that I am dumb, a trouble maker and that I never act in their best interests.  Even in the face of overwhelmimg evidence they still adhere to this very lopsided view of thier reality.

[MixedBag]

I see you're reading and thinking and learning from the site, I hope.

Hmmm....

Your kids are old enough to look at what I would consider "hard" evidence that disproves whatever the other parent(s) is saying.

How about this example...

Kid says "You never call me."

Mom says "Yes, I do and I left a message with your dad."

Kid says "no you didn't because Dad would have told me.

Mom says "O.K., here's the tape of our conversation.  And here's a phone bill to show that I did call and at what time, etc."

(About the phone bill, use "www.bigzoo.com" and you'll get an instant bill available on line right after the call for 3.9 cents per minute).

Kid says "you didn't send me XXX in the mail"

Mom says "Yes, I did and it was sent "priority confirmed" and here's the proof that it was delivered."  And you can use the USPO information from the internet that says it was delivered.

Look for independent "third party" ways to prove what you're saying.

We got a chuckle once because I sent a T-shirt to my son and to my step-son.  Funny how it didn't arrive and SS never got his.  So I went and got another one and sent it.  Dad told SS that he thought I sent it priority confirmed delivery and that he would have to check with me.  Truth was that Mom was hiding it from SS and then "Oh geez, this just arrived today."  Yea right.  She should have seen on the envelope that there was no tracking, so she exposed herself to her son and now he has 2 T-shirts.  Have to admit, she's getting better at dealing with Dad and stuff, but it has taken waaaaay to many years to really make up for all the pain she has caused.

Oh what else....School and grades.

Go get their report cards.  Stop waiting for them to arrive in the mail.  You're close enough....take time and do it.  Then talk about their grades and progress with them.

There's physical evidence out there to support you -- find it.

[flewwellin]

The sad part is that her BM has already brought your child into it.  So unless you want to let her to think of her father in this manner you have to tell her what is going on.  If she is 13 then she is already confused as it is.  She is starting all the teenage hormones and feelings.  Be patient with her.  SHe will soon figure it all out if what you tell her falls on deaf ears.  But in your own defense you should try to explain a little of what her mother is trying to do to her.  Don't make her mother sound like the bad guy though because then you will truly be the bad guy.