I have no idea what to do and he has my daughter

[Meighan]

>...and Dad gets a decent lawyer, you are going to not ONLY
>lose custody, but also be given supervised visitation, as you
>will be listed as a flight risk with the child.  You will ALSO
>frighten the child greatly.  I advise that you get a second
>opinion, preferably from someone that does not stand to
>benefit from your court case, like this lawyer will.


Actually, Dad works 12 hours a day and is never home and is about to move to Texas with our daughter.  Dad has been leaving our daughter with his parents for extended periods of time and then not keeping in regular contact with me.  Dad has had our daughter since the very end of February when I left and we made our agreement.  Considering the fact that I haven't been gone very long I'm not seeing how I would "frighten my child." It's taken everything I have to not give up and walk away with the reasoning that it would be best for our daughter.  

Unless you're an attorney in the state of Oklahoma...I'm gonna have to not agree with you on the whole "flight risk" thing.  I spoke to a lawyer in Oklahoma at length today and asked all KINDS of questions.....one of them was.... what right do I have to my daughter as a mother? what's best for our daughter in the eyes of the court? what can I do within the limits of the law and how do I keep my relationship with our daughter ?  

I'm not going to bust up in there all 'GIVE ME MY DAUGHTER NOWWWWW!!!' That's not mature, it's not healthy for our child and it's not conducive to ANYTHING good at all for her.  As far as me not being willing to live in Oklahoma?  I have no one there to help me.  This will be the third time in 6 months that my husabnd has moved with our daughter I'm not going to go on a wild goose chase to find them everytime he decides to get up and go and I have followed him around since I was 18 years old trying to make things work.  I have established myself here with help and I will no longer be at his mercy.  I am perfectly within my rights if I want to establish my life here and build myself a home.  Furthermore, If we were there my husband's parents made it clear even when I was living there and taking responsibility for my daughter that THEY were in control.  They can help out..but I don't want to live anywhere near them if the children they have now is any indication of how my daughter will end up if left to their care.  I spoke with him today and we're both going to be adults about the situation.  That's it.  I came to this board hoping that there might be somebody from Oklahoma that would know a little about the law, but I got the answers I needed today from an attorney..and as far as getting a second opinion....the woman read to me verbatim EXACTLY what the law says regarding child custody in Oklahoma and the Uniform Child Custody..act? I can't remember the exact verbiage in the name. Anyways...I'm not stupid enough to accept something someone says without some sort of source to back it up. This is why it's taken me so long to make this decision..I wanted to do what's best for our daughter within the limits of the law.  

Thanks for y'all's input!!! Good luck with whatever you have going on.

[gr8Dad]

One:  You wrote, "As far as me not being willing to live in Oklahoma? I have no one there to help me."

If you cannot raise the child on your own, without any help, then how are you any better than him?

Two:  You wrote, "I spoke with him today and we're both going to be adults about the situation."

When you spoke, did you mention that you had every intention of taking the child and relocating to Florida?

Yes, you spoke with an OKLAHOMA attorney (I will NOT take this opportunity to make a joke about Oklahoma, but being a Texan, I want you to know it takes a GREAT deal of restraint).  And he told you what your rights are regarding parental rights in Oklahoma.  Now, those same rules will not apply in Florida, as it is a different state, and the child has not resided there for six months, the length of time required to be considered a resident.

Now, you can ignore mine and everyone elses advice, that is well within one of your rights, but myself, and MANY on here are substantially older than you, and have been there and done that in regards to custody issues.

I, myself, have custody of a child that is not even biologically mine, so you MIGHT wanna listen when someone tells you something, as we have navigated the custody courts, been through the trials, filed the motions, and lived with the good and bad.

But, of course, YOU talked with an attorney over the phone, so you MUST know better.  Best of luck in whatever you do, and for the sake of the child, reconsider this move.

[Davy]

Here Lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man

A woman and her daughter were visiting the grave of a relative. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother,

"Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

************************************************************

Please find another way to be close to your daughter and do NOT remove her across state lines.  FL certainly has absolutely nothing to offer the child that is not available in OK.  Aside from the legal issues,
"Missing Children" is a huge issue in FL (and elsewhere) and the head of FL DCFS is from OK.  I suspect you could find more quality 'help' in OK

[MixedBag]

take a look down below at the article from other parents who have moved away from the NCP and the uphill battles they are facing.

Gecko posted one...

I posted another that was all recently published.

I also don't agree with your statement that you can't live in Oklahoma on your own with no support.  BTDT -- and it's not so bad, it just takes time to make new friends.

Hope you have/had a safe trip.

[gr8Dad]

...I change my opinion...LOL!

[Meighan]

I went to Oklahoma to get my daughter and there were no problems at all.  My husband agreed to speak to a lawyer of his choosing who informed him of the specifics of the law at which point he agreed to joint custody with me having primary physical custody.

 My husband has refused to pay child support thus far and when I arrived at his door he was packed, and ready to move to Texas. He hadn't planned on informing me of where he was going or even when he was leaving.

He hasn't paid any child support or made a concerted effort to be a huge part of her life.  The letters our daughter sends to her daddy, and pictures she draws and progress reports from her preschool are totally not acknolwedged.  and I have come to a definite conclusion after all of this has been said and done. As long as we're not arguing and getting along for the sake of our daughter, and that she has the absolute best that we can provide her with and is safe,happy and healthy I am at peace.  

In closing I want to address something someone said regarding my ability to care for my daughter.  It was something along the lines of the fact that if I can't care for my daughter with no help at all in Oklahoma, I most certainly can't care for her here in Florida. The general idea is that I shouldn't need help.

I'm Puerto Rican. Latin families don't behave that way with each other. The idea that we should all 'do it on our own' or we're somehow not fit for parenthood is one that is truly absurd and most likely the foundation of most of this country's problems with respect to the huge divorce rate, children growing up to be monsters and the all out hate and disdain we haev for each other as a whole.  I pray that this attitude is one that you can re-examine with an honest heart.  I again thank y'all for all of your advice. Thank God everything all of you said was wrong on about 34 different levels. Had I listened I would've never seen my daughter again as evidenced by my husband's irresponsible behavior.  He says he can't afford child support. man. I really am happy I decided to trust my instincts. thanks anyways!

-Meighan

[jilly]

I am so glad that you have your daughter and that things are going well for you.  I think the poster who made the statement about not being able to care for your daughter without help was under the false impression that you meant government assistance.  I didn't take it that way. I knew you meant assistance of family.  And I agree with you. It doesn't matter what nationality you are...we all need help with our kids from family or friends from time to time.  I don't necessarily buy into the Hilary Clinton "it takes a village" crap, but I do know that it's very good and very healthy for children to have close, loving relationships with family and friends.

When you say he is refusing to pay child support, does that mean there is a child support order and he isn't paying as the court has ordered? Was it filed in OK or FL?  How sad for your daughter that her Dad won't even respond to her letters and pictures.

Again, I'm happy for you and your daughter.  Feliz Navidad!

[Davy]

The advice you received was all excellent advice against running off to parts unknown (in FLorida) with or without the child.  The advice was given regardless of gender, race, nationality, or religion, etc, etc.  It appears you were able to coax the father in front of an attorney where he was told he did not have a chance in hell (based on social policy) so now the father is disenfranchised by distance and you're complaining that you don't know where he is and why he is not communicating or paying you support.  

Your posts were full of how the courts would show you favortism because you are 'the mother'.  As noted your mother/aunt live in PA / NC and were unwilling to help you as was the father's family in OK.  It is no surprise you found 'lovey dovey open arms' in Florida and you remain silent on the source of your 'help'.  Is it a Christian cult or what ?  Why should anyone think your child is OK given the nature of all your posts ?        

Moreover, Missy, you are condensending toward America while claiming  oneupmanship for Latin families ... you have been deceived.

As are many others, I'm a great American with many freinds and family of the opposite gender, race, and nationality.   I don't speak a lick of spanish but  my coffee is from Costa Rica and my house is full of gifts returned from Argentina, Brazil, Mexico, Puerto, Chilli and Venezuala. There's a bottle of all natural old fashioned pastureland eggnog with a picture of betsy the cow in the frig and a wheaties box with my picture on the kitchen counter alongside a momento from the USA Women's soocer champs and a picture of Tom Landry.  My youngest son was being cute and left a cut tree limb standing up in the corner of the dining room ... once you learn to appreciate all of this and how to piss up a rope you too can be a great American.... oh and Missy ... may the good Lord take a liken to ya...

[Meighan]

actually, he went to an attorney of his choosing without me. Once again assumptions are being made.

Based upon the fact that we agreed (in writing as a result of his past history with instability) that this would be the start of his visitation with her and I would use that time to get on my feet, his threats to take her god knows where, the fact that he didn't give me his address and I couldn't get through to his parents, he was told that him and I need to agree or he was going to have to pay lawyer's fees and then answer to a judge for his behavior.  

As for my statement regarding family, I'm not sure how the location of your coffee grower has anything to do with that. And I will not address anything else in your post because none it of made any sense and it was pretty petty. Christian cult? what? how bout...grow up. I have had the same address for almost a year now. My husband knows my address and phone number and where I work and I am not in "parts unknown" and didn't "run off." Nor do I live with some other man.  I'm sorry about whatever it is that has made you so bitter that you would make up crazy scenarios in order to avoid admitting that I might not be the idiot that you'd like to believe I am. But thank you for sharing =)

When I was pregnant with my daughter he dropped me off at a homeless shelter because I refused to give our daughter up for adoption. He told me to get in the car, took me to Texas from Oklahoma and left me because his parents told him to choose between his daughter and them.  When I was in college and hospitalized with an ear infection that left me unable to walk, he came to the hospital to see me once for a few minutes. He then proceeded to refuse offers of help with childcare, quit his job and then would leave our baby in her bedroom with the door closed while he slept. Sometimes all day. One of our neighbors had to break the lock on the door to get to the baby she was screaming so bad one day.  Our church gave us money to help with groceries and such after I was released from the hospital and he spent every last dime of it on pornography that he had FedExed to our apartment.  The president of my college offered him employment with the school. He refused to do his work and when I was finally able to walk again I did MY FULL TIME job...the work that the school had given him PLUS dealt with a 15 credit hour week not to mention my ministry practicum and somehow finding a way to be there for our baby. While he slept. all day. and refused to look for work.

And after all of this I still haven't told anyone.  I never told the lawyer I spoke to on the phone, I never accused him of anything ,I never badmouthed and always did my best to lift him up with the hopes that his self esteem would grow and that he could be the man that I knew he could be.  I defended him when my pastor informed me that he had to physically grab my husband when he thought he was going to dislocate the baby's shoulder as he threw by one arm at a restaurant one day, I defended him when he was offered jobs by people at my church and never showed up for work. And I defended him through all of the times he lied and acted like a 10 year old.  Because I respect him enough to give him a chance to prove that he's the man he says he is.  One day I was taking a nap and he walked out of the house to go on a date with some female he met on the internet and left our daughter alone and did not wake me up. And even after that I gave him another chance.  It takes a hell of a lot of dignity and maturity to deal with a person of his caliber the way that I have.  I can only hope that you do the same with others.

In light of those situations and more that I refuse to discuss because I already said I did not want to bad mouth the father of my child, I don't give a damn if he's feeling disenfranchised or anything else.  This man has a history of being a neglectful deadbeat.  Since I was 18 years old I lived with being told I was stupid and that I was lucky to have him because no one else would ever want me as "used up" as I am.  I try to call and put him on the phone with our daughter and it works sometimes.  I ask him for money for situations like when I have to pay for her medicine out of pocket ...she has frequent ear infections and it gets pretty expensive.  Or when I had to pay the enrollment fee for her daycare.  I don't bitch.  I don't whine or complain.  I typically don't bring it up unless I'm desperate because I know that he has very little money and probably would pay something if he could. I even tell him what a wonderful person he is and remind him of how talented and intelligent that he is, still hoping that he gets his crap together for the sake of our child.  And so, now that I've thoroughly torn up every single idea you have regarding who I am and how I've handled this situation, I suggest you find out what's really going on before you make rash judgements as you made in the above post.

[Meighan]

Thank you for being so nice Jilly =) I understand what you're saying as well. And you're absolutely right.  I reckon my point was that now that I wasn't exposed to hispanic culture much as a child.  Now that I live in Miami, one of the reasons the latin community here distances themselves from 'Americans' (their words not mine) is because they can't understand a culture that isn't as fiercely devoted to family as theirs is. INDIVIDUALLY.....there most certainly are exceptions. Generalizations are just stupid.  But on a much broader level the differences are glaring.  My father's family took care of each other, no questions asked.  Whereas my mother's husband says "we raised our children. I don't want you in my house. You may not show up whenever you want  you may not eat my food I don't want you in my house."  My mother's family is that way too. They wouldn't even let each other eat in their homes without some sort of compensation.  Those are examples of just one family.  And you're right not everyone is like that. I have to agree with you. But yeah I reckon there's alot of truth in what both of us said.

As far as child support goes, there isn't an order as of yet. Voluntarily he won't pay.  He filed for divorce and agreed that we would come to an agreement regarding the terms, but he said that he wouldn't sign anything unless child support was $150.00 a month or less.  I agreed to that and was just informed that he has filed and is waiting for a court date.  So no, there is no order right now.  He simply won't send anything for her.  When I ask he says that he "can't afford it" verbatim. Which is ok I understand that we all struggle from time to time. I just want peace for our daughter's sake.  If that means he doesn't pay child support I'm not going to make a huge issue out of it.  I'm doing ok with respect to supporting her and he'll just have to answer to her if she ever finds out.

Thank you so much for..and Merry Christmas to you too!!! =)