Visiting my daughter

[somemom]

I'm twice divorced. I have 3 beautiful girls. They live with their fathers, my ex-husbands. I screwed up and made some mistakes. I am trying to get my life turned around. My two older girls live near me. Their dad lets me see them pretty much whenever I want. My baby lives in another state and her dad won't let her come see me. I haven't got to see her since she was just two. She calls his wife mommy and me by my first name. I wanted to cry when I heard her say my name. It is hard to visit becease she is so far away. I just started a new job and can't really leave. I don't have much money they just started taking child support out of my checks. I don't make that much. My ex does though should he have to bring her to visit me since I pay child support now and he makes like twice what I do?

[CustodyIQ]

You mean... should everyone turn their lives around because you've decided to stop screwing up?

Isn't that the question you're asking?

The answer, of course, is no.

People who live destructive lives have a very hard climb back to the top to regain the trust and confidence of those around them.  Once you're able to demonstrate to the child's father and/or the court that you're on the straight and wholesome path, then it's time to ask a serious question about how to get you and your youngest daughter some quality time.

If you've been clean and straight for 6 to 12 months, then I think a court would probably take you seriously in terms of reconsidering what sort of parenting time you should have with your youngest.  And, it's possible that a court may order that each parent share some of the cost for that to happen.

You've got a lot of work ahead of you, but if you keep making the progress that you've described, your rewards will be awesome.  Congrats on what you've done so far.

[Ref]

I am not sure I understand what you mean "her dad won't let her come see me". So, you not have a parenting agreement? That would be the first thing to do if you do not. You need to get your rights established by the courts. You may have already done this seeing as though you have a child support order.

As far as him paying for your travel costs, you may have a shot. DH was in a similar situation. He is working on getting his child support raised due to his increase in salary. Even though he makes a zillion times more than she does (what is a zillion times 0?), he still gets to have his child support lowered due to the costs associated with visitation. The grounds he has for this is that BM moved SD away. She was the one to force additional costs, so she has to share in the payment of those costs. There was precident for this in the state that the CS is filed. Unfortunately, she still doesn't pay much of the costs, but it does lower the support quite a bit.

I think to have that work you need to have a visitation schedule AND you need to actually visit when you are supposed to. Then there will be grounds for this.

In the mean time, send packages and make phone calls to you daughter. Make sure she sees you in her life consistantly. Long distance sucks and it makes bonding VERY difficult. The only way to help the situation is to make your presence with her regular. The only person that can make this happen is you. So do it!

Unfortuately, us humans make some pretty dumb choices. Fortunatly there are plenty of people who forgive.

[somemom]

Thank you for you reply! I'm really glad I found this board!

We don't have a parenting plan. My ex had it put in our divorce that I'm supposed to have court supervised visits. WHATEVER! Then he told me if I go there, that me, my daughter, him and his new wife could meet for dinner or go to the park. I don't think his wife needs to go! He doens't need to go for that matter!

Someone told me that since my EX lives in the state my daughter was born and I don't that he doen't have to help pay for the visits. I moved in with my mother when we split up.  I've asked him to help me with the plane ticket. He won't!

I just miss my little girl! I've missed seeing so much of her growing up! I don't want to miss anymore!

[Kboeds]

He does not need to help pay for you to visit, nor should you expect him too.

In some cases courts have parents split the cost of the children going for visitation. That would mean BM and BF meeting half way to pick up and drop off the kids, or CP paying to fly the children to NCP home for visitation ad NCP paying to get the kids back home. (Or spliting the cost of round trip)

You say you miss your daughter, you say your ex won't let you see her, then you said that he offered to meet you for dinner or at the park. If you want a relationship with her and the possibility of getting visitation changed, you need to make the effort to go to where she lives and visit in any way you can. You should be responsible to pay for it as well. How can you tell a judge, I really miss her and I want to see her but only if he pays for it? A judge is going to want proof that you have changed and that if he goes to the trouble of changing the current order, you will have the ability and desire to act on that change.

You do not seem ready to do that. Remember, your daughter hasn't seen you in two years. I don't blame anyone who refuses to allow a child to go out of state to see NCP after two years. You need to visit her and get to know her again first.

I understand not wanting SM there when you visit. Maybe you could ask BF to meet you at a park and sit where he can see you and your daughter but not get involved in the visit. That is what we did the first time we saw my husbands kids after two years. We all met in a park. BM sat in her car and read a book while we enjoyed time with the kids. It was a nice start and after 5 more visits where DH traveled to see them, and 8 months later he was granted his change in visitation request and the children have been coming to see us since. DH pays 100% of the travel cost involved.

You have to do your part and not expect others to do it for you.

KB

[janM]

If you are court ordered to have supervised visits, then he is within his rights to do the supervising unless it specifies who does it.

The other posters are right. You moved away, you need to pay to visit her. The reason doesn't matter. We tell ncp dads the same thing.

You will need to file in court to make any changes, either in frequency, or to get the visits unsupervised.

Good luck.

[MixedBag]

I have to agree with the others....

If the order says "supervised" visits, then that's the way it is (for now).

Unless you re-establish a connection with your daughter, no matter how much time has passed, a court probably isn't gonna change the "supervised" part.

(Now I would agree that Dad doesn't need to bring the new mommy -- but right now, you don't have much of a leg to stand on to prevent her from coming.)

Many parents who have posted on this site have overcome and improved their situation from supervised visits to regular parenting times.  But they had to make the effort to get the ball rolling even though that ball needs to roll UPHILL.