X moved child without my knowledge

[mom of teen]

I have only been divorced since Oct 05.  We were married for 17 yrs and had twin boys.  5 yrs ago our youngest passed away unexpectly.  Which was devasting.  Then in Jun 03 right after our 16 aniversity my x informed me he wanted a dirvoced.  Unknow to me he had already told my at the time 11 year old it was time for me to leave the family.  He told me to leave the house and never come back and that was not to take our son.  I knew that he was going to say I abandon our son and I was not going to leave. So I stood my ground and after serveral hours of discussion he said that he would not go through with the divorce and try to make our marriage work, however, he was lying to me.  Then he left to go be with some co workers which now I believe that he went to spend time with another woman.  In Feb 05 I got served papers, which was to be done at the therapist office that we had been seeing since the dead of your youngest son.  I had enough of him pushing me in a corner and would get mad at me if I tried to talk about any thing.  He had to control the coversations.  And most of the time he was asking questions about his buddies that were going through divorce and what advise he could give them.  Then one day he came loss on me. Come to find out the therapist was in couraging my x to divorce me.  I was devasted. I also found that he was going around saying that I am bi-polar and has a lot of people believing it.  One of the people he told this was my boss whose wife is bi-polar and he told me.  That is how I found out about the actusation.  My boss told me that He thinks my x is bi-polar is the reason he is accusing me to take the light off himself.  Anyway after seeing the court apointed mental evaluator and the county counselor and all my retirement money we have joint custody with our son living with him.  The only think I got was 1st, 3rd, 5th extend weekends which is after school on Wed until school resumes again. and all other standard visitation except the weeks I do not have him I do not have vistiation.  We try to get that changed but could not.  

Also, he told my son not to discuss anything with me or answer any questions I may ask him about the divorce.  At the temporary hearing my x took him out of school and brought him to court so our son could tell the judge that he wanted to live with his dad.  My x told him actually what to say. The mental evaluator also stated in his report that it seem the father was manupulating the child.

When I finally  got my son to talk to me he told me virbatum what his father had said to me as the reason for the divorce. He told me that I didnt love them and didnt want him.  Which was a lie.  It was his father who didnt love us.  

Now after going through all of this, the situation as gotten worse.  Not only has the x disregarded the divorce decree in the matter of refinancing the house and paying the bill on time.  He almost for closed and finally refinace the house getting my name off the loan 7 months after the divorce decree stated.  Also he never refinaced the car and didnt pay the bill for serveral months.  He runt my credit.  I can not purchase a house or anything for a long time.  

I had my son for the month of July and when he went back to his dad.  I was to get him again two days later for my regular scheduled weekend.  however his dad demanded he would have him this weekend.  I was still to get him Wed thru friday until 6.  I didnt get him.  His dad had him call me and say he wasnt coming.  I also just found out that he disenrolled him from the school he attended last year back in May.  

The X went to a on line dating server found a women back in May went out on a couple of date and now they are getting married apparently this weekend.  The divorce decree states that he is to inform me of the name of the person he intends to marry.  He didnt do that.  On top of that he moved him about 40 miles away to another county and city and will not tell me where he is living.  On the phone when I asked for the information he told me that he would give it to me when the time came.  Who knows when that will be.  My son has been an only child for 5 years and he is moving  him the house with a 16 yr male, and two females 14 and 9. telling him everything is going to be great.  My son has only meet these people twice.  He has never really spent any time with them.  

I am losing my 13 old son and dont know what to do.  The only way I can see my son know is on the x's terms not what the divorce decress says.  He has turned him against me.  

One of my sons friends told his moms that my son seem to be happier than he had seen him in a year.  He had gone on our vacation with us.  He also said that my son seem to be more relaxed with me.  

What is wrong with this picture?  Any advice.  I need help.  You should also  know that the x didnt want child support, however if i take him back to court for any reason he get support and that would put me out on the street with no place to live.

What can I do?????????????  

 

[mom with bonus kids]

It sounds like you ex is in contempt of court.  You need to file contempt of court charges against him.  First make sure your ducks are all in a row.  If you are angry and just want revenge, you need to get in control of your emotions because going into court or confronting your ex in anger will not resolve the issue and will only make matters worse for you.  


We've been where you are and understand what he is putting you through.  You need to go to a reputable mental health professional in your area and have a complete evaluation that you can present to the court that establishes that your ex's allegations of "bi-polar" disorder are completely false.  

You need to set aside any negative feelings towards your ex aside and focus completely on your what is in your son's best interest.  He is at a very vulerable age where he could get into all sorts of trouble if one of you doesn't start focusing on him rather than your own pains, wants and desires.  

Is your ex abusive in anyway towards your son and can this be proven in court?  Find out as much as you can about his new spouse.  I wouldn't be consumed by her possibly replacing you in your son's life.  Since your ex didn't not establish his new family in a constructive manner that is in your son's best interest, this new marriage may only last a few months at best.  Just remember the way your ex treated you and your child during the marriage is the way he is going to treat his new family.  Abusive people rarely change.  It is not in your son's best interest to move him into an environment where emotional ties have not been formed.  Two visits and your ex believes everything is going to be better.  For whom, himself or his son?  He doesn't even know for sure if your son is going to get along with his new wife or the other children in the home.  It sounds like he is going to try and force this new family sistuation on your son and this will backfire on him.  You cannot force relationships they have to come naturally.

Even though your ex has custody, you need to stay calm and be the rock for your son.  As your son matures, he will realize what a jerk your ex really is and in the end when your son is an adult, you will have a relationship with your son and your ex won't.  Our sons and daughters are only children for a short time but then they become adults for a very long time so it is best to be patient and be there for your son without bad mouthing Dad, the new family and stay calm so that your son will want to be your best friend when he is an adult.