Is there any hope for me?

[lizmiller78]

Here is my situation...

I am a non-custodial mother (by my own choice).  I chose for our daughter to be placed in the custody of her father because it what I believed to be in her best interests.  You see, I'm in the Army, and with the frequency and unpredictability of deployments going at a rapid rate, I wanted her to live in a stable environment without having to jump back and forth when I have to deploy.  I figured it was what was best for her.
Granted that people makes mistakes because that is only human nature.  What I mean by this is the fact that during our divorce process, I ended up meeting a guy and became pregnant.  But this in no way affects how much I love my daughter because I love her with all my heart.  And despite the fact that her father sexually assaulted me when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my son, I allowed her to stay with her father because I had no place to live...I had just returned from Korea.  When I was assaulted, I pretended to play like I was still sleeping because I figured it was what was best in my situation.  But despite the fact that...yes I cheated on him while we were still married...I didn't deserve to be assaulted like that!  I never reported it to the police because I weighed all the options out.  1) I didn't have a place to live to provide her food, clothing, and shelter because I had just gotten back to the states,  2)I wanted to honestly believe that this was a retaliation against me for what I did and that he would never do anything like this to our daughter.  He knows that I know about it and told me he was just mad at me but didn't mean to hurt me in any way.  He said that no matter what, I was still his wife and it is his right to have sex with his wife.  NO MEANS NO no matter what the relationship.  He apologized to me and begged me not to say anything because he didn't want to lose Jordan and I agreed because I believe that a child should be raised by both parents, no matter if they are together or divorced...and even if I did report him and he was in jail, I still would have allowed his family to see her because I have an obligation to make sure that she retains that relationship with her other side of the family.
   Here is my problem now.  I deployed in 2004...came back 2005.  During that time, he finally ended up meeting someone.  When I got back, I was in the process of another divorce because my second husband ended up spending all my money I earned in Iraq and left me with barely anything in my account and nothing to show for what he was spending the money on.  My son was with his parents in Virginia and they received no extra money from him...only the money I was sending them on a monthly basis for taking care of my son while I was in Iraq and my son's father was in Korea.  Needless to say, when I got this divorce, my daughter's father started becoming very friendly with me, asking me if I'd like to go out to dinner as sort of a "family thing" for our daughter...and I agreed.  I wanted her to see that we can be civil between each other.  We went on a couple of "family outings" like that...and I thought that this was going great and there truly is life after divorce.  But after my second divorce was finalized, that's when I met my current boyfriend.  When my 1st ex found out about him, all the niceness stopped.  My boyfriend knew that we were going out on "family" basis and he thought that was good...until we started to notice some changes in my daughter's behavior.
    When my boyfriend and I started dating, my ex told me that he had decided to move in with his girlfriend.  Fine.  Then I told him that I was transitioning to move in with my boyfriend.  Ok.  My daughter, who was 4 at the time, was fine with all this.  My boyfriend would bring his daughter (7) over and we'd all have a great time.  But then one weekend when I went to pick up my daughter, she started crying because she didn't want to come to the house.  (???)  In no way did my ex try and support me and told me that it's "her choice" whether or not she wanted to go or not!  NO IT'S NOT!  But I left it because I didn't want to upset her any more than she already was and told her that I still loved her and that I was going to miss her this weekend.  This happened for a whole month.  Then she started calling me by my first name instead of Mommy or Mom.  I eventually had to bribe her to come over to the house by bringing my boyfriend's daughter over to her house to help persuade her to come along.  Soon enough, I became label as the "mean mom" because I disciplined my daughter at my home by raising my voice (not yelling) and placing her in time-out.  It was for simple little things like arguing and hitting the other kids, especially my son (who was 2 at the time), jumping/swinging on the furniture and bed, calling the kids names...simple things.  I would have to explain to her constantly that my rules are different that her dad's rules and that she would have to respect the rules of the house just like the other two kids do...and she'd be ok...until the next weekend.  My ex wouldn't help reinforcing the "follow the house rules" concept because he said that it was my problem and not his.  
     My daughter lives with her father, his girlfriend and her two sons.  My daughter has told me on several occasions that [my son] is not her real brother and that her "real blood brothers" live with her at her Daddy's house.  My ex has prohibited me from encouraging my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad"...something he even told my 2nd ex HIMSELF!  Yet, it's ok that my daughter called his girlfriend "mom" or "mommy"?  I don't encourage my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad", even though she asks if she has to call him that.  I constantly tell her that it was her decision and that I wouldn't force her to call him "Dad" but at least call him by his first name.  Yet, I can't enforce the same standard because she calls the girlfriend "Mommy".  I just don't understand it.  Then there's the little things like "Daddy says you talk on the phone a lot because you have a lot of boyfriends," and laughs when she says it!  And the biggest on was when my mom, my daughter, my boyfriend's daughter and I were going to Wal-Mart.  My daughter was on the phone with her dad when all of a sudden, she turns and says "See, my daddy said that you're the meanest girl in the world and I'm the nicest angel princess in the world."  I grabbed the phone in the midst of my driving and questioned him.  He stuttered his words and said that's not what he said.  He said that she must have misunderstood what he said because he said that "they were the two nicest girls in the whole wide world."  I don't buy it.  Things between us have not been civil since which brings me up to the last straw in this life after divorce....
     The summer of 06...we had a blast in the summer.  My boyfriend and I took her on a trip to Hurrican Harbor, took her to a country club in Arkansas, the Dallas Zoo and Aquarium, fishing, camping...the whole 9 yards because we were scheduled for deployment in September of that year.  We made the most of our time with the kids because we were going to be gone for an entire year and wanted our time to be memorable.  When I took her in for my summer visitation, she had to go home for Father's Day weekend as per the divorce decree.  She begged me not to make her go and that she wanted to stay.  Despite her pleas and crying, I told her that it was important that she spend time with her father because it was a special day for him.  After all the crying, begging and pleading, she finally agreed to go.  When she came back she was happy to BE BACK WITH ME that she didn't even tell her dad goodbye when he brought her back for the rest of the summer visitation.  When it was time for her to go home, she begged to stay longer and I explained to her that I can only have her for the time that the judge allowed for her to stay but that she could come visit me after her summer vacation with her dad.  That was the month of June.  I didn't see her for the whole month of July because my ex failed to tell me that he came home the week of my last scheduled visitation in July.  August...same thing...she begged to stay one more day...two more weeks...but I would have to continuously have to explain to her that a judge makes rules that I have to follow and that if I don't I can get in trouble.  She told me several times she didn't want to go home and wanted to stay with me "for a long time."  Her birthday comes around and I only got to see her for 2 hours as per the divorce decree because it was on a non-visitational weekend.  I took her to McDonalds and then took her home.  She told her dad she was mad because I didn't have a birthday party for her but that was already in the making.  Labor Day weekend, we had a surprise birthday party for all the kids (August, Sept, and Oct are their B-days) and told them that we were doing this because we would not be here for all their birthdays and wanted to make sure they had a party where we were there.  All the kids were overwhelmingly happy.  They got lots of gifts from both our families and my boyfriend's parents even came down from Arkansas for the event.  I ended up sending my daughter home with all the toys and clothes she received and told her father that since I would not be here to see her wear the clothes, I wanted him to keep them for school clothes.  That next weekend after Labor Day was my last weekend with her.  Because of my job I had very little time with her so she spent most of her time with my parents.  I had to work on the weekend with last minute details for deployment, but I still made the most of that time.  That's where it leads me to where we are today...
     Exactly ONE WEEK before we were scheduled to deploy, CPS comes to my mom's house.  My boyfriend and I were living with them because we just gave up our house due to deployment and all our stuff was in storage.  CPS told me that my daughter was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend...didn't give any details whatsoever.  I was torn.  I had to sign a Safety Plan stating that I would supervise any contact between him and my son.  Then a couple of days later, CPS calls and says my boyfriend had to move out and that he is a threat to children!  His lawyer suggested that he move into a friend's house who had no kids...but all our friends were gone at this point...they were all deployed!  So he stayed in a hotel for a week until our money ran dry.  We ended up moving my son to my brother's apt so he could come home.  We still had no clue what the allegations were exactly.  He was told he had to take a polygraph in which he failed because he was shocked and disgusted at the question they asked.  When he came home, all he could do was puke at the thought of the questions.  My ex refused to have a forensics medical exam done on my daughter and opted for the interview instead.  I finally got a chance to see the tape and all I could do was cry.  It was my daughter in the video but that wasn't my daughter making those accusations.  The story they had just didn't add up to anything that even remotely happened during the summer, which she said the incident took place.  My daughter sticks to me like glue, just like my boyfriend's daughter sticks to him like glue.  When they're both at our house, both the girls stick to me like glue and want to go everywhere I go!  They even stick to EACH OTHER and do everything TOGETHER...take baths, change clothes, play and argue...just like normal siblings.  But to hear her say the things she said hurt me so much.  How does a child go from begging and crying to stay with you longer during the summer to hating and not wanting to see you ever again?  It doesn't add up.
     Recently I decided to get copies of her school and medical records for my boyfriend's lawyer.  I had a friend who's daughter was molested by her step-uncle.  She barely passed the 1st grade because of the emotional distress so he suggested getting these records.  I know I also had the same trouble when I was molested by my father.  When I did get her records, I was surprised.  She was receiving S(satisfactory) and S+ on her grades which is equivilent to A's, she is 1 out of 9 in all of Kindergarden that is on the Accelerated Reader's List, and she was nominated to the state's Gifted Education Program.  I finally got a lawyer and she suggested writing a letter to notify him of my intent to exercise visitation away from my current home in a "safe house".  I did this with no response to my letter from her father.  When I got to the house, I was greeted by a re from the Sherriff's Department who served me papers of a Temporary Restraining Order and Citation to Modify Custody.  Now he is seeking Full Custody with supervised visitation.  A simple "no" from him would have sufficed because I understand the whole bit about my boyfriend having to go to court over this issue.  But I wish he just understood that my intentions were not to interrogate her about what happened.  I don't want to distress her with that.  All I wanted to do was let her know that I still love her, I miss her terribly, and that I'm not mad at her for the things she said.

Can anyone please offer me any advice?  What should I do?  I'm just in a really sticky situation and all that we're concerned with is her welfare because we believe he is trying to alienate her from me and we have more than enough evidence to prove it.

[anglemama]

You should put your words into more paragraphs so that its easier to read..a lot of people will not wade through that.


I am a sexual assault counselor..and I talk to a lot of mom's like you everday.  Quite honestly if your BF failed a lie detector test its most likely because he is a child molester..and NOT because he was sickened by the questions that he was asked (one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard).  Your primary job as a mom is to do everything in your power to protect your daughter..and not to rehash the past, and try to justify whatever decisions have been made that you didn't like.

I see you being primarily concerned with feeling alienated from your daughter and not at all being concerned for her safety.  Your bf is a child predator..and you're concerned about being isolated from your daughter?  Its no wonder really, I've never even met you and I can tell that you're primary concern is your BF and NOT your daughter.  Kudos to dad for keeping his daughter away from the mess that you're propagating.  Please stop procreating and get some counseling.  Search google for rape crisis centers in your county, call one, and take the advice of a counselor on how to best support your daughter and NOT the perp.  Think about your daughter and how horrible this must be.  Can you imagine being sexually assaulted and having your mother stand by your offender?  I say this to help you seriously, and I hope that you take some of my words to heart.  GL!

[olanna]

and I am amazed and shocked at what I read.  I was also the victim of sexual molestation at a very young age, by a neighbor.  Something to remember here...where the child is confident about him/herself, he/she is going to promote the safety of themselves...and they are going to speak out.  I was a shy kid.  But I knew what this guy did to me was so wrong, as my father and brothers never touched me in those places. I went straight home and told my family.

And if this child did the same...well, Mom, what's up?

[krazyfamily_6]

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the other two responses!

You chose to move your son OUT of the house so your boyfriend, who your daughter accused of molesting her, could move back in?

I know that MY first priority would be the safety of my children!!  It doesn't seem that is your priority right now.

[lizmiller78]

Yes, I am concerned for my bf but I am also genuinely concerned about my daughter and maybe I didn't make it very clear in my original post.

I MYSELF have been sexually molested by my father and then had to re-lived my nightmare when my daughter's father SEXUALLY ASSAULTED me in the midst of my sleep.  I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my son.  Yes I am concerned with my daughter's welfare and safety, I really am.  In fact, have tried to get my ex to take her to the hospital to get an examination done but he has REFUSED.  If truly did happen, why did he not get her examined right away?  Why didn't he do the exam PLUS the forensics interview?  By not taking her to get examed, despite the lack of DNA evidence, is that not considered neglect?  I want to know if my daughter is physically ok.

I am a Sexual Assault Response Coordinator and KNOW that there are medical professionals (S.A.N.E. team) that are highly skilled and trained to conduct these examinations without re-traumatizing the child.  I've tried and tried and tried to even get a court order to get her examined but I've been blocked by CPS constantly.  I understand that DNA evidence only survives 72 hours but even if the evidence was not there anymore, there still would be trauma to the area that can be detected with a special dye.  When I was molested by my father, I wanted to go and live with my aunt in the next town.  Can you offer me an explanation as to why she would beg to stay with me longer during visitations and cry when I had to take her home because, seriously, I don't understand it.  

I'm saying all this sincerely, and I am not mad at your post, even though you were very harsh with your words in stating that I should "stop procreating."  I don't feel as a counselor that your statement was professional.  I did fail to mention that he had passed a second lie detector test as well as a psychosexual evaluation.

I did what I thought was best for my daughter, which was to give her a stable environment and household in which to live...to live with her father.  But I have come to realize that he has been damaging her emotionally since the time of our divorce.  Many of our mutual friends have stopped talking to him because they do not feel it is right to talk bad about me in front of my child.  That is something only he and I should discuss.  I love my daughter, but despite what you say, I also know that my bf did not do this!  

You may say I am a terrible mother, but my daughter didn't act like this before this incident.  She cried almost everyday last summer because she didn't want to go home, but despite it all, it's my responsibility as her parent, to promote her relationship with her father.  It is also my duty to make sure that she is in a safe environment in which to flourish.  

I do want to say that I told her father that she told me that her daycare worker "Mr Shawn" who walks her to school everyday took her on a "short cut".  She seemed pretty upset about it so I told her I would talk to her dad and ask him to look into it.  I would call to see if he found out anything but he never looked into it because he said it was probably nothing and he wouldn't suspect anything from any of those workers because her daycare was at a church.

Please, get to know ME before placing full judgment on me.  I have been pushed down all my life and I don't need to be pushed down anymore.  If it means anything, my ex-sister in law believes that something is not right with her own brother.

[lizmiller78]

I'm trying to to be on the defensive on this forum by replying but please know that I myself have been molested as a child as well as sexually assulted as an adult.  Please understand that my daughter made a complete 180 turn in less than a week.  She gets along great with my bf and never had any issues being around him...but to hate us in less than a week?  And then to hear her say hateful things after she JUST TOLD you a couple of days ago that she loved you?  She didn't want to let me go when I last saw her because she knew that I would go to Iraq.  Surprisingly, she even remembered what her grandmother, my ex's mother, said when I came back and asked me "not to die like Nana said you should have done."  I was shocked, but I know that maybe I was not clear in my words in my post, but please understand that I know what it's like to be molested and re-live that nightmare when her father sexually assaulted me.  

I am not angry at anyone's words on this forum.

[lizmiller78]

I know it is my priority but if you knew how my life was with my daughter's father compared to now...you would understand.  It's not like I've had my bf for a couple of months...it's been two years now and he has been more of a father to my son than my son's actual father has been.

I am deeply concerned with my daughter's safety and welfare and have been trying to take the court measures necessary to make sure that she receives the treatments that she needs in her situation but her father is refusing to take her to any of the appointments I have set up for her through her pediatrician.

[lizmiller78]

I might as well say that there is no hope for me and that I have lost my daughter for good...it seems like from the posts I am a bad mother although I know I am not...

I cry everyday for my daughter...everyday...because the day this happened, my world froze and went back to the hell I was in when I was living with her father.  For as long as he has her, he will continue to use her against me in the same ways that he has in the past.  

I'll say this...I stayed 3 1/2 weeks with my daughter in the hospital after she had her surgery, but her father did not come see her but ONCE.  He said he refused to see his daughter in such a condition...but she needed us the most and I was there, hoping and praying that she would get better.

Yes...and kudos to the man who is helping my daughter through all this but couldn't help but rape me in my sleep when I was pregnant.  Kudos to the man who says "I can't control what my family says about you in front of our daughter."  

I'm going to end it here and never return to this forum.  I expected to get some criticism but I also expect to get help.  I DO BELIEVE something happened to my daughter, but I also know that my bf didn't do it.

[anglemama]

Ok.  You say you care.  Good, your daughter is going to need as much support as she can possibly get. You say that you're part of a SART team, well then you should know that while it is important for her to get an medical attention, you also realize that after a week the chances of finding any physical evidence during a FRE is almost nill.  I've seen the DA's office request that child victims NOT get FRE's for a variety of reasons.  Given your history of supporting the perp..I highly doubt that they're letting you on on a lot of the details in your bf's criminal investigation.  Start supporting your daughter and maybe that will change.


Regardless the thing that everyone has a problem with is the fact that you're still with the boyfriend.  Given that there is even the tiniest chance that its true is it worth the risk?  What man is worth that?  

If you're serious about getting your daughter back, and in the very least gaining substantial visitation then you need to prove to CPS, to dad, to everyone that you can that BF is out of the picture.  At least until everything is cleared up.  

As part of a SART team you should also be aware that each victim handles their victimization VERY differently, how you reacted when you were a child is not necessarily how your daughter will react.  I've seen kids cry and cry to return to the home of their abuser.  I've seen children who were almost killed by their parents trying their entire lives to forge relationships with them.  I've seen children abused as children allow their abusers to have access to their very own children.  Everyone reacts differently.

When you grow up in a family where there was sexual abuse your likelihood of becoming victimized again is very great, as is your chance of marrying an abuser.  What dad did to you when you were pregnant is horrible, and that wasn't ok.  I hope that you've received counseling, or are planning to do so.

So the best thing that you can do is to prove to everyone, by jumping through whatever hoops necessary that your primary focus is your daughter.  Right or wrong (in your mind) that cannot be accomplished while having a relationship with present boyfriend.  Unfortunately right now, as of this moment you have to make a choice, your daughter or your boyfriend?  As a mom, I know what I would pick.  So..Liz..what is your choice going to be?


And BTW..no one called you a 'bad mother'  I would say however, that you ARE a mother who has made VERY VERY bad choices.  But it might not be too late for you....

[lizmiller78]

So are you telling me that my chances of going into an abusive relationship or relationship with any type of abuser is higher because I myself have been abused?  Then what am I...the unluckiest person in the world?  I've already had two bf's leave because they were being acused of similar things...it just happened that this man is defending himself.  

My ex and I grew up together, went to high school together, and eventually ended up getting married.  Everyone in my hometown can tell you how possesive and overbearing he was of me, but I didn't think that out of the ordinary...just that he loved me.  We were both in the Army...I succeeded more than he did...and he showed his jealousy.  When I got my divorce, he told me he would never be out of my life.  He told my second husband that he will always be "loved by Liz's family" because he thinks he made a difference in my life when he made it a living hell for me.  I tried to make it work for my daughter, but when his whole family supports his every move instead of "ours", it gets old.  In the end, our marriage was "his mother's way or the highway".  

I've tried everything I could to get my daughter help as soon this was brought up, but everything that I've requested has been shot down.  Trust me, I've been seeing a therapist since this whole thing started because this is the 3RD time that a bf "did" something.  My therapist has suggested that he get some sort of "personality" examination done because based on his past actions in our marriage and given some of his history background that HE provided himself, she believes that he has a narccisistic complex.  

The last two times, I CHOSE my daughter ver my bfs...and when they left, the charges against them were "magically dropped" and they never returned because they knew that as long as I had someone else other than my daughter's father in my life, it would be like this.  I might as well live my life in solitude because that's the only way my ex is going to be happy...seriously...he still has control over my life even after our divorce and my bf is the only one who has stood up for me by telling him enough is enough...so this is his payment in return?  

I KNOW that my daughter would have reacted the same as did.  When she gets in trouble, she goes into time-out and she knows this...but all of a sudden, she starts hiding her face with her hands shaking and puttin her hands on her butt.  I discipline my own daughter at my home and I have NEVER laid a hand on her because that is not what I believe.  

My daughter has only gone to a doctor twice in the past 3 years.  My ex claims that she has been more often, but it would have shown on my insurance claims.  When the first incident happened, I made appointments like crazy for her to see a counselor to help her cope with her situation and when I asked how everything was going in the sessions, he said they were great.  I asked him what the name of the counselor was and he said he couldn't remember.  Then I got these phone calls at work because I kept making the appointments for her to attend, as he requested me to do, but she wasn't going to them.  I told him where the appointments were going to be and when I confronted him about it, he told me that all she needed was just him.

This is why I chose BOTH my daughter and my bf.  I am truly concerned for the safety of my daughter at this point.  I am concerned with her medical welfare and am glad that this has not affected her schoolwork as she made high marks and was nominated to the State's Gifted Education program.  But no matter what kind of help that I try and get for my daughter to seek therapy, he blocks it or his gf blocks it.  Even if he DID take her to a therapist, he'd take her to one that my insurance covers because he doesn't want to pay and cost-shares or co-payments and mine pays 100% PLUS it would show up on my insurance claims.

So as bad as everything might sound, you ask me to choose between my daughter and my bf...i must choose both BUT my daughter is my PRIMARY concern.  I know my bf can take care of himself, and I and my family and friends are here when he needs support.  but OUR (my bf and I) primary focus is to make sure my daughter is getting the help that she needs because this cycle in all our lives needs to stop.  She needs to talk to a counselor or therapist or someone so that we all can find out what's going on in her life.

I've talked to other SARCs on the installation and they started off by saying some of the same things you have told me, but when I told them my whole life story...about the mental and emotional abuse I endured during my marriage from him and his family...and then the repeated allegations every time I've TRIED to move on with my life...they realized why I'm doing what I'm doing.  They do tell me that I need to have him out of the picture and that I could still support him and not let anyone know just to get some sort of visitation.  But even then, when the bf moved out for a while, they still denied me visitation or contact.

You can't tell me that every man I chose in my life is some sort of abuser or sexual predator.  I know that I don't have THAT bad of luck.  I'm scared truly scared that something did happen to her.  I've been racking my brain trying to think of clues she might have said to me.  The only thing I could remember saying was that her daycare worker Mr S "took [her] on a shortcut."  She seemed pretty upset about it and didn't say much after that but I told her father.  He never looked into it because he said her daycare was run by a church and they were "good Christian people."  Also, his brother-in-law, who also has the same name as my bf, was accused several times a while back of sexually harrassing and eventually allegedly sexually abusing his step-daughter.  Even though every single time she ran away, the cases would become unsubstantiated and she would have to come home or her friends' parents would be charged with harboring a runaway.

I do need to make a correction though...I was a SARC for my unit until they found out that I myself was sexually assaulted (which is documented in my pregnancy medical file, but I chose not to report it) which by Army regulations disqualifies me from my position and I had to resign.  But I do know that if there is any small chance that this DID happen to my daughter, SHE NEEDS HELP.  I am trying my hardest to get her that help, but her father just won't help me get the help she needs, unless he knows for sure that the bf is out of my life for good...then I'd be willing to bet that the charges will be dropped "magically" just like the others did.  This is a game to him and unfortunately my daughter is getting hurt by being in the middle.