I had no idea...

[TX]

I had to take my break from the boards and it's my first day back in weeks.

I get totally depressed and feel totally helpless. Then, I'll read the boards and see how many others are struggling with the same endless ridiculas justice system, ex, blended families and emotional trauma I struggle with. Somehow it does help to find others that share the same frustrations or hurts, other times I just want to put my head down and cry.

In your situation, you are walking in the shoes that most responsbile, loving fathers walk in all over this nation. Yes, there IS mothers that do what you do, but your outnumbered by good fathers. All in all, you hit it on the nose. Your not whining to me, your speaking the truth. It's unfair...the blasted system is unfair. Judges don't listen, attorneys want more money and the ex's use the kids...in MOST cases, not all.  

I tell you this and I mean it from my heart, you have a long road. Once you think you can sit down and rest, you can't. Once you think the road is finally going to be smooth, it has a sharp turn in it. Divorce is horrible, I don't care how well parents get along and if the money situation WAS fair, divorce is horrible on children. I don't care how acceptable it is in our society, it will never be acceptable to innocent children who love both their Mom and Dad with all their heart ...no matter how old they are.

[KAT]

Plus, part of the child support is going to pay the mgt. on their homes. Do you see the tax deduction? NO. Do you ever see equity in the home that is partially paid for out of your own pocket? NO. This antiquated system needs a serious overhaul.
Last year our resident lawyer Socreateser explained his views on the new family court system which was awesome. This is my own elaboration which may or maynot be the same as his:
First of all, what in the heck is custody? How can the courts GIVE a person to another person? It's a child not a table. You can't will a child since a child is not chattel.
What is child support but slavery? Look up the definition. "A condition of subjection or submission characterized by lack of freedom of action or of will." The courts force the non custodial parent to work & pay a nice size portion in child support. In most cases, the non custodial parent doesn't have the *right* to obtain an education because if support doesn't get paid, they go to jail. The non custodial parent can sit on their ever increasing fat behinds, not work and basically do what ever they want without having to provide documentation as to what the child support covers. This is sickening especially in the case of large support awards.
There needs to be a cut in stone rule that parenting is 50-50 in divorce unless one person is proven UNFIT beyond a shadow of a doubt (not just on hearsay from the other parent). False allegations will have mandatory jail time, heavy fines, loss of parenting time, no deviations are allowed.
There is no child support changing hands. Guess what ladies & gentlemen; it's time to obtain an education before you start having children! You just might have to support them part of the time on your own! Gee, what a novel thought huh? Children will no longer be pawns in a game that carry rich cash rewards. I'm sure this will piss off uterus opportunists, but oh well!
A parent can lose their 50 percent of parenting time by (as examples) moving from the area (no custody battles, you lose, that's it. It was your choice to move), or being proved unfit such as mental health, incarceration, drug use ect.
Support for parents who have lost partial parenting is calculated by what the states pay out in welfare benefits per child. Come one, the states know how much it costs to raise a child why do they put extra burdens on divorced families then? Let's say for each child the state pays $600 a month in cash/medical/food stamps. Half of this amount is the responsibility of each parent. $300 a month or approximately $10.00 per day. If the parent with less time has the child 4 days per month that is subtracted from their obligation this would now equal $260.00. The tax burden falls on the payor.
I guess lawyers aren't going to like this either, probably have to find another field. We can probably get rid of many family courts too since custody battles will be pretty much moot. Family court judges will be elected by the people, heaven help your obviously bias ones.
During the past 2 years Mr. KAT has paid over $50,000 to the biotroll. She doesn't work, tell me how that kind of obligation isn't hidden alimony? The little pink trailer payment is only $350. per month. High support obligations do nothing to encourage the other party to seek an education or employment level in order to be able to support themselves. All it does is make them dependant. Let me tell you something. Mr. KAT's (former) daughter turned 18 last month. The amount of support didn't drop but she is no longer supported. But guess what boys & girls! You ALL get to pay for her now!! She's going to have a baby!! Biohag has been on welfare & knows all the rules! They also have a slip/fall lawsuit going on too. Funny how all this came about when support stopped for the oldest huh? And being that the younger one will be 18 in Sept 2005, well, they are going to need to make some money right? Yeah, just as long as they don't have to work for it. Which I guess would be pretty hard since both children only have 8th grade educations & criminal records. For biohag that nice rap sheet that includes numerous shoplifting charges kinda puts a damper on things. I mean, who wants to hire a theif?
Pissed, yes, I am. When Mr. KAT had custody she didn't pay a dime, not a loaf of bread, not a gallon of milk. She had 7 years to get an education or a job. But instead lived off men & the system. I gave up my needs for their wants for years. I treated them better then my own children. But the courts wouldn't have any of it. They needed to bond with biomommy, they wanted to live with her since our rules were strict. So there you go. The courts just gave you two more beings to support not including how many more illegitamite puppies SD will push out within in the next few years. SD will probably be on welfare until social security kicks in & well SS is heading to jail for selling drugs....which do you think costs more? Welfare or keeping them in prison? I gotta research it. This is the burden for all of us  to carry unless things change. It effects everyone, divorced or not, children or not.
Even though it's almost over, I am still fighting for changes...are you?
KAT

[Peanutsdad]

Welcome to the wonderful world that men have been living. I cant say its nice or fun. You have no voice, no choice, and no recourse except to pay, and pay, and then pay some more. Equal opportunity,, aint it grand?


Someone else mentioned, and for all I know, it may be true,, this system wont change until just as many women are in the same situation as men. The women of this nation seem to have a nice heavy political club. Wouldnt it be ironic to see it wielded to change the system they pushed for in the first place?


You have my empathy for the financial struggles. I couldnt do as well as you did. Prior to my being granted custody, I paid my cs,, but I was also the only support for my 2 children by previous marriage. I ended up losing my vehicles, and buying a 20 yr old car that I nurse along as well as I can. BUT,, my cs was paid. My mortgage was paid. My kids were fed.

Your story, and my story,, they are common themes in cs struggles. We hear them every day. Justice doesnt factor into family court, just economics.

[TX]

Thanks Kat...your letter went into my favorite places.

I too will fight for change and I will go down screaming.

[Bolivar OH]

Thank you KAT for sharing you personal story.

p.s. I printed this off to share with my fellow DADS.  I hope you don't mind.

[stepmomtwo1]

I agree the system sucks and they don't care a darn about anything as long as they follow the paperwork.

Yeah if a person is under employeed they will give them an income. Dh's ex chooses not to work and lives off money her grandmother gives her each year (along with paying off her house) and what her current dh makes. And when she took us back for more cs (the courts said she proved that there was a need for more) they gave her min. wage as her income.

When dh asked about it they said we could contest it and the judge might not give her any imcome and we could pay more. When dh asked why they didn't tell her that if she could prove that she needed more money why not give her the option of getting off her butt and getting a job they told him if he can't afford his new family and old one maybe he could get another job!

Dh and I have five children together who wear hand me downs,get reduced lunches at school and live without but we work out butts off while this woman just goes to the courts and says she "needs" more money and they come knocking on our door.

One year and two months and all this crap will be behind us. Thank God!

[saille]

My X went to the doctor and had himself diagnosed clinically depressed and unable to work at the moment.  Hence the support is not based on his income potential but on his current income.  

I know this is all a bunch of baloney.  He feels he's totally competent as a parent, so why can't he work?  

Plus, I just learned from the kids that he is working part time now.  But, he won't tell me where or what he's doing. . . basically because its under the table and there's no proof of it.

Thanks so much for responding!

-Saille

[saille]

You know, that's why I titled my thread "I had no idea."  Because I didn't.  And, honestly, I don't think many women do until they experience it first-hand or marry/date someone who is experiencing it.  Its so frustrating because any positive change is not good "politically" because everybody wants to act hard on "deadbeat dads," while not even looking at the issue!  And, in fact, it places a social stigma on a mother who is willing to share custody.  I did my research, and everything says that divorce is bad for kids, but that kids with substantial shared custody by both parents are better off across the board.  I had to choose what was right for them, whether it made me feel good or not.  Still, people look at me like, you're the mom...why don't you have full custody?  And I have to say, because he's the dad and he's half their parents, he should be half their lives, regardless of how much I miss them, because its in their best interest.  I can't tell you how many people say I should go through the trauma of a custody trial just to escape paying support.  That stigma for moms has to change also.  Just like the false "deadbeat dad" cliche has to be changed.  

Its just all so insane and ridiculous that, until you or someone you love goes through it, you'd never believe that it could be happening the way it all is.

:(

-Saille

-Saille

[jilly]

That was the point I was trying to make in my grouchy way!  The PBsFH get everything handed to them by the Courts while those of us who marry in to the situation have to scrape by, make do and sometimes fight to provide the bare necessities for our children. Why does DH's second family have to be looked upon as second rate citizens or needing less than child/children from first marriage?  As you stated, the court will expect DH to work as many jobs as necessary to meet his obligation/responsibilty for first family. And what happens then? You have children from both families without a father because he's either at work all the time or too tired to be involved in the family. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it!

[Mommyofone]

why do you have all the debt?  How much could you have to pay in child support ? Is the custody 50/50?  We have that and we pay 250 a month.