Was what happened right? I don't think so.

[Bunyip]

Hi Everyone, :) I'm new but have seen this wonderful site before. I'll start by introducing myself. I'm the wife of an adult who grew up in a divorced family. he has big problems , caused we think by his narcissistic mother .
  My DH's mum was asked to leave the home because of an affair she had and , basically, abondoning her parental responsibities.
 So she left, and moved in with her lover. She now lived in a two income family .DH's dad looked after him and his brother, his mum didn't have shared custody, just saw him once a week for an afternoon.
 Here's the rub. DH's mum did not pay for anything. NO child support whatever was paid, even though she had a two income partnership, and dad had one income and full custody. And ,she demanded and got paid 50% of the house value,cash. But she didn't pay the mortgage, tax,upkeep, nothing.
 What should have happened?
 

 Thanks, Patricia.

[junglechicken]

Is dh planning on suing his mother for child support?  I take it he doesn't have that great of a relationship with her now?

[momof2]

Do you know whether your DH's father ever took action to collect child support from the mother?  

I think that all parents have an obligation to provide financial support to their children, whether they are CP or NCP, male or female.  However, I feel it is up to the CP to take court action to enforce that the NCP contribute their financial support.  If the CP never attempted to collect child support from the NCP, then that is the CP's fault.

Now, if it was a situation that the CP did take court action, had a child support order in effect, yet the NCP never paid, that is a different story.  In that case, unless the statues of limitation have expired, the CP would have cause to continue to attempt to collect child support form the NCP, since there was an order in place.

[cathy]

Let's see - what "should have happened"was your husband's parents got married, had a child and lived happily ever after.

When that didn't work, what "should have happened" was an effort made to work on keeping the marriage together.

When that didn't work, what "should have happened" is that the parents put the needs of the child first and put aside their differences - with both parents contributing both financially and emotionally to the raising of their child.

I mean - there are so many "should have happens" that just don't happen.  So in this case, where is all went to hell in a handbasket - - - - -

Yes - the mother had an obligation to support her son....AND the father had an obligation to enforce that with a court order.  Did that happen?  If not, shame on both.

So far as the house - well that typically falls under a totally different set of rules, and doesn't really have anything to do with the other....

[Bunyip]

 Lots of thanks to Jungle,Momo and Cathy for your replies. Each of you brought up really good points.About the what ifs and what now.

 I've considered my MIL to be a dead beat mum  for a while  and I think I neededsome validation from other  people  with different views and experience.

  Unfortunately, childhood issues can be difficult to resolve,especially the what ifs.  DH is still angry that all the household money went to his mum, and that consequently he was unable to pursue his chosen career.
 
 The issue now is DH's mum thinks that she was hard done by, and that others aren't looking after her, or have stuff etc. And that we should  support her. In fact, she's the victim!!!

 I really don't think we should look after her, following the way  that she looked after her own kids.

I know we can't change the past, I just want some reality now.

 Patricia.

[KAT]

Patricia your husband has to understand that life is really alchemy. We are supposed to live, learn & grow by it.  If he insists on letting a moment in time when he was a child destroy his life today. then he's doomed himself to a life of misery.  If he doesn't like his mother, doesn't agree with her moral values (or the lack there of) then he needs to close that door. Leaving it open & reliving the pain isn't good for him or anyone around him. And anyway, just what IS the point of doing that?? As for a chosen career, my parents are still married & they didn't pay nor in anyway support my education so you see it's not a given even in intact families. Your husband is doing just what his mother is now, being the victim & blaming someone else for life's hardships. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but sometimes it takes an outside person looking in to provide a different prospective on things. It sounds like a simple matter of growing a bigger pair of little furries & standing up to Mommy Dearest. Telling her to bug off that he didn't appreciate her actions then, he doesn't appreciate them now and we'll see you once a month on Sundays for dinner. THEN embark on whatever his preferred career was; where there is a will, there is a way no matter how big the obstacles might seem today. Research it, there are probably a ton of options for him to pursue. This way, he can drive his brand spanking new Beemer up her big fat behind...ooooopss, I ment up to her door one day...living well after all, REALLY is the best revenge. :)
KAT

[cathy]

Sounds like your MIL may be one - hard to tell.  But I do know that there are some people in this world that just do not believe the same way most of us do.

My husband's ex can twist anything and everything and make it to be about her.  Everything revolves around her in some manner.  

Closely related to the "center-of-the-world" mentality is her ability to justify all her actions.  Nothing is her fault and everything she does, no matter how horrible everyone else sees it, is ok and justified by some reason (excuse).

Giving birth does not make someone a mother.  It does not make them a good person.

There are toxic people that it is just not good to be around.  It is hard to accept when these toxic people turn out to be one of your parents.  

Would you husband consider therapy?  If not, all I can think to do is to support him and let him know that it is ok.  That he does not owe his mother ANYTHING and sometimes, you just have to let go of the past.

My husband hasn't spoken with his mother in over 4 years - and she sounds like she was no where near as bad as your MIL!

[Bunyip]

Thanks again to all who have replied.
 It was a long time ago ,DH and I were high school sweethearts, but we did make our own way. We both got  double degrees by supporting each other and going to night school. MIL likes to take the reflected glory for that.GRR   And, DH has made it in his profession, we are onto our second SAAB , have a huge house and travel alot, and just bought out daughter a good car.
  So, after 20 years of really hard work,on our part, MIL wants to cash in. Living well on our part is just another thing to envy and want and has caused more trouble. He has never asked his mum for anything,even as a child.
 I suppose I'm really just venting. GRR again LOL.
 DH is improving, and has been getting therapy for 15 years.
 I suppose what is bugging me the most is MIL thinks she was a great parent, and still thinks she is one now.

Thanks for listening, Patricia.

[KAT]

Well then Pat help her find a nice retirement community about 1,000 miles away. Nah heck, I'd just tell her off....she'd probably stop coming around then!! He has no obligation to support her, listen to or even ever see her again. But you know, it's his choice to keep taking the abuse & listening to the BS. I'd cut her out of my life. I know several people who have done so with various family & they have never been happier. You guys sound like you have it going on...the TRASH goes on Tuesday. *wink*
KAT