Why is DH so negative?? How can I help him??

[mom2boys]

Hi all,

We go to see the lawyer on Wednesday to see if DH's support payments can be terminated.

Recap:  His son is 18 years old, soon to be 19 in 9 days from now.  He graduated from high school in June, is working a full time job, living in his own apartment with girlfriend, has not lived with his mother for 13 months.  On those grounds we want to see if we can get his court ordered support payments terminated on the grounds he is living outside the control of the custodial parent and supporting himself.  We are in New York by the way, and this state says you pay until the child is 21.  

I was getting all the paperwork together to take with us on Wednesday and my husband is being so difficult to talk to about this.  He is so negative, I know he does not like dealing with this, I hate it as much as he does.  But I am just trying to help so we know what we need to talk to the lawyer about when we go there for we only have 30 minutes.  Why is DH so afraid of his son's mother?  I have still to figure this one out, and we have been together almost 16 years.  They were never married.  He keeps saying with his luck they will probably say we pay no matter what til the kid is 21.  I wish I knew of some cases like ours that went our way so I could reassure him people can win cases like ours.  But he has had it with this woman and he just wants this whole thing over.  

She has bled him dry.  I think too he is afraid of if she catches wind that we are talking to a lawyer she will take him back to court and his support payment will get jacked up and we will have to sell things off to just be able to stay in our house.  Would a judge really award more money to a mother who the kid has not lived with her for the past 13 months and is living in his own place with his girlfriend?

I think we both are just nervous, if anyone knows of any cases that have been won like ours, please send them my way.

Thanks,
 

[lucky]

I do have one thought, though not in answer to your first question.

IF they say that you have to pay till ss is 21, THEN request that ALL payments go directly to ss and NOT to his mother as she is obviously NOT using the cs to support the child and according to the court's findings (ss needing cs) HE needs the money and this takes out pbfh as the middleman having to pass the cash onto ss when she receives it.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[joni]

I understood that in NY, CS is paid until 21 if the child is still in college.  If the child is 18, not in school, and supporting themselves, living on their own, you're not responsible for CS.

I'm sure your DH is just preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  Probably based on prior experience, I wouldn't blame him.

[mom2boys]

Well thank you for your advice, it is just frustrating, both of us want this whole thing over with.  It has been 18 plus years of hell for us, we are just frustrated with the system.  She technically has not been following the court order and we never did anything for fear he would get nailed for more support.  So we just kept sending more and more money.  But now that the child is finished with school, out on his own, not living under her control any longer we just want this over with.

Yes, DH is just trying to prepare himself.  

They say if payments continue it is not wise to get them changed and have money sent directly to the child, for CS is for the mother to support that child and if you get it changed it could be considered a gift and you will still owe the mother the support and you could get yourself in trouble with arrears.

I found on the net that NY does not have a law in our state for emancipation, so does this mean we cannot have him amancipated?  

Thanks, Mom2boys

[joni]

I found some info regarding emancipation in NY.  Also in NY, the CS payment must be made to the CP, not to the child, so that wouldn't be an option.

This child is emancipated.  Maybe consider hiring a PI to verify this.  Maybe also see about subpoening the child's rental agreement for their apartment.  Take a picture of the doorbell/mail box to prove the child's living there.  Send the kid flowers to the address and have him sign for it on the weekend as proof of living there (consider it a housewarming gift).  ;-)

Definition of Emancipation (this is good)

http://www.empirestatecoalition.org/emanc.html

Emancipation: Under New York law, child support must be paid to the age 21. If a child marries, enters. the military or become self supporting, the court may consider the child emancipated and child support cannot be commenced in this court.

http://forms.lp.findlaw.com/form/ courtforms/state/ny/ny000433.pdf

Emancipation and New York Child Support

http://www.jeanmahserjian.com/new-york-child-support.html

New York child support is paid until the child reaches the age of 21, unless the child is emancipated earlier.  What constitutes emancipation is a case by case factual determination.  A child attending college away from home is not emancipated.  A child not attending college, living at home and working full time may be emancipated.  New York child support cannot be terminated simply because a parent believes their child is emancipated.  A decision must be obtained from the Family Court or Supreme Court to stop the child support payments.

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_york/nyfaq01/view

When are my children emancipated, so that I am no longer obligated to support them?

A parents liability for the support of his or her children is limited to children under the age of 21 years. In the absence of an express or implied contract, parents have no duty to support an adult child. For custody, visitation and other purposes, the age of majority is age 18, but for purposes of the parental support obligation the age of majority remains at 21. The mutual parental duty of child support is not absolute. It may be suspended or terminated before the child is 21 if the child becomes emancipated by becoming economically independent of his/her parents through employment, by marriage or entry into the military service. Under unusual circumstances, a child may be deemed emancipated if he/she is guilty of outrageous misbehavior, such as makes it inequitable to enforce the support obligation, or if without cause, he/she withdraws from parental control and supervision.

[mom2boys]

We have a bill that the mother sent us for his senior pictures and it has his name on the  bill and his address at the aparement he now lives in?  

Thank you so much for all your advice, we feel very prepared going into see the lawyer this Wednesday, I will post Thursday morning and let everyone know the outcome.

:)