The wicked stepmother!

[gipsy]

Howdy folks! This is my first post. I am Gipsy's wife of three years--most of which has been a living hell because of his son's mother. I'm sure you've heard from him about what a psycho b---- she is, and I couldn't agree more.

I testified at the trial on my husband's behalf. For you stepparents out there, be forewarned that any involvement you have in your stepchildren will likely be turned against you in court! Over the years I have been accused of being physically abusive toward my stepson. I've been accused of being the one to draft the parenting plan. I've been dismissed as a possible sitter for the child--even though it's okay that mom has sent the kid to eleven different sitters, including two different boyfriends. When I was asked in court to say why the boy would be better with dad, the opposing attorney said in his closing arguements that all I talked about was the mom, which was completely bogus! Everything I said had to do with the care of the child--HER care of the child! And of course, the things the mom said about me, like I made the child cry at the transfers and "it was horrible!", and like "thing are better because SHE'S not around" wasn't even taken into account. (Do I detect a little jealousy from the mom??) Nor did I get the opportunity to rebut her accusations (and that was my husband's attorney's fault).
 
Our first parenting investigator spent an entire 30 minutes interviewing me. Our second parenting investigator spent an entire 60 minutes with me. Now bear in mind that my husband has been accused of being a stalker, breaking into mom's house, beating her dogs until they were bloody, being violent, an abuser of women, of teaching his son to masturbate, of masturbating in front of his son, and of having anger management problems. He's been sent for anger tests, personality tests, and a polygraph test--which mom failed. You would think that after all that SOMEBODY would do their job and make a contact with the woman who lives with the bad guy! Yeah, right.

And you would also think that SOMEBODY would take into account that my daughter who lives in the same household and has progressed from age 11 to 14 during this time would be interviewed! Hah!

THEN mom shows up in court with a bunch of pictures showing all the fun things she and the boy go to. Duh! If we had more than 3 1/2 days PER MONTH to go do things all over the state like she does, we'd have some fabulous pictures too! And it was mom who refused to let the boy go with us to Disneyland last year because she thought nine days would be too long to be away! Gosh, THAT got left out of the court proceedings.

Man, I feel for you guys out there that are dealing with crazy ex's. And if you are re-married, just know that's it is utterly painful for us wives to have to go through this with you. I've done nothing but try to help this crazy woman parent this child because she's not doing so well by herself. Any one who tells their child that "Daddy's going to hurt you" and "Daddy doesn't love you" needs to be locked away. But stepparents, you have to step back from all the BS and let the moms do the crazy thing and deal with it as best as you can. And guys, don't forget to tell your wives how much you love THEM too and how much you appreciate that they are sticking by your side. Lesser women (like the crazy mom) would run and hide.

Needless to say, we didn't win custody, and I have no peace about this at all! The mom is NOT going to quit trying to turn the boy against his dad. I told my husband to be prepared to pay for psychotherapy in the future. And I feel so bad for the little boy who is going to have to deal with his mother until he gets old enough to figure out that dad is not what mom says he is, and that maybe dad's house would be a better place to live.

And by the way, there is no earthly justice. The court system stinks, and so do attorneys.

Sign me--The wicked stepmother.

[Indigo Mom]

You're not the wicked step mother.  You just happened to marry a guy with an ex who is a wicked mother.  That's all....   ;)

Everything you're going through is making you a stronger person.  I know that's all types of corny, but it's true.  

Faggedabout the ol bitch....and focus on you, gipsy, and that lil dude.

Remember, she can steal the first 18 years, but you'll get forever.

[oneandonly]

Not by any stretch of the imagination--a tad bit more involved court-wise, but not wicked.
A word to the wise, though--even if son does realize one day that dad's is a "better place to live"-in the courts eyes, that might not happen.
For your own sanity, just let dad handle things. Courts, relationship with son, dealing with the ex....
I get personally attacked quite frequently and except for a few blow-up posts on here or venting in chat or venting a to a few in email, I have found that our pbfh is a drama queen and she gets some kind of personal satisfaction out of this. Unfortunately, these "women" are raising children and there are surely going to be consequences for them as adults (like you mentioned with the therapy).
You pray, you love, you care--thats all you can do~

[gipsy]

Thanks for your positive replies.
I did want to comment on the stepparents staying out of things. I wanted to stay out of it all, but my husband's attorney said it would be a bad thing for me to stand by and not be a witness for my own husband. It was also hard to stay away from the transfers when I'd see the mom acting in inappropriate (sexual) ways around my husband. On the other hand, what kind of woman would I be if I said I couldn't love and care about the future for the boy and also have input about him? It affects me too. It seems that the courts put too little emphasis on the input of other members of the household. Nor do they acknowledge the affects that the moms have on dad's household members. In many ways, we stepparents are on the outside looking in. While we may be emotionally attached to the man involved, we still see both sides with a differing eye than either parent.

You would think that the boy's mom would be grateful that her son has such a good stepmom. Not to mention that it's difficult to "stay out of things" when you see such poor parenting as ignoring infections, not keeping the child updated on immunizations, the anxiety attacks he has when it's time to go to mom's, refusing to let him come to his stepsister's birthday parties, and of course, the mental poisoning I see going on. Let me tell you--it's a fine line to between being an involved stepparent and overstepping a boundary.

Could I have been less involved? Probably. Do I want to be less involved? No, and yes, and none of the above. Just as my stepson needs his dad from whom he will gain his male identity, he also needs me from who he will gain a real and truthful insight into women. His mother will probably never be able to have a meaningful and loving relationship with a man. Her past and current situations indicate so.

I also agree that sick people get some sick thing out of all the drama. It feeds them somehow, and is extremely unnatural, unhealthy, and unwholesome.

All that said, I'm on my fourth glass of milk trying to calm my stomach. If biblical stoning was allowed, I'd be the first person to pick up a rock.

[MKx2]

I gotta say that I agree with One about involvement with the steps.

Yes - they affect your life.

Yes - you would be a positive influence on this little guy.

Is the stress in your life and relationship worth it - probably yes.  But in the end will the good outweigh the negative?  

I hate to say it, but in MY experience, it's a "wash."  I've been dealing with a psycho, PASing, completely unbalanced step-wife for years now.  More recently (as in the past 2 - 3 years) I have stepped back, avoided conversations, not been present during exchanges, etc.  The stress level for ME has decreased considerably (after an initial upward spike) ... and oddly enough, the oldest skid (now 20) who for MANY years has totally rejected me (with evil and very hurtful statements to and about me) has now taken an about face.  While he is highly protective of this woman he calls "mom" he now tells me how much he misses me, that he loves me, and wants to include me in the parent activities at his college.  The girls are another story as they have been PASed to the nth degree.  I don't know if PAS and same sex parent has any bearing on this or not ... but I wonder at times if this isn't one of the components.

I back up One on this - stay out of as MUCH as you can (and yes I realize this could mean you having a bloody stump for a tongue for the rest of your life), support DH and just trust that things will be like Indy says - she may have him for 18 years, but and Gipsy will have him forever.

I'll keep all of you close to my heart and pray for some good changes in your lives with that little guy.

[Kitty C.]

What good is 'forever' when it's so f***ed up?  What good is a lifetime of pain, stress, and torment, living with the baggage of crap heaped on this child who has to deal with it for the rest of their lives?  What good is forever when there's NO way this child can possibly ever learn what a GOOD relationship can be like?

Sorry, my cynicism is peeking again.........

[StPaulieGirl]

Hi there-

You love your husband, and you love his little boy.  It's called caring and concern.  The boy's mother is shall we say, acting out because she feels threatened?  Isn't that such a charitable way to say it? Lol, seriously you have to defend yourself against allegations, even if that means having to testify in court. You can't let people trash you and get away with it.  For the rest of it, I'd stay out of court, if I could.  Judges seem to get irritated when the step parents get involved with the legalities.  

Those are some pretty sick accusations that the "mother" claims.  I don't understand why liars get away with this stuff.  All I can say is for you and your husband to be a united front, and act like that woman isn't saying anything at all.  Just try and be cheerful and have your regular family routine. You don't have to take the kid to Disneyland.  You can have pizza and go to an arcade.  That would be better quality time than a crowded amusement park, anyway.  I have had a hard trying to do this, but I still do try.  Thank God for message boards to vent on!

Stepmothers have a tough time when there is a nutcase involved.  You and your husband make sure that you spend quality time together as a couple, not just parents.  This has got to be tough on your marriage.  You know, just because you didn't win custody this time, if there is a next time....maybe you will.  After the things I've read here in the last few years, I've really questioned whether I would want to get involved with a man who has children.  I have my own ex to deal with, and I don't think I could handle another psycho.  Hopefully I wouldn't have some of the mind boggling problems that some folks have had.  

Hang in there and know that you're doing a good job!

[Indigo Mom]

It's all "fixable".  While it's not fair, it IS fixable.  

[wendl]

Hey hun,
I just sent you an email before I saw your post. Sorry it went the way it did.

Was J able to get more visitation for you all????? Cuz 3 days a month is nothing.

We will have to get together, I will call you and inform you about when a bunch of us will be going for dinner, just don't want to say the date on the boards.

If you ever need to call, do,  you have my number.

:-)
Being a stepmom does suck, your not suppose to parent, hmmm what does that teach your own children if you have any.  Many moms say the their kids are non of your concern, however how can they not be, when we married our husbands we became a FAMILY we all treat eachother the same and have no favorites and what concerns our husbands (many times the kids) it does concern us.

It can be sooo frustrating.

[Indigo Mom]

Saying a step parent is of "no concern" to a child is much like saying their teacher, doctor, daycare provider, and bus driver is of "no concern".

what a crock.  step parents are awesome, and offer something completely new to a child!  I know when I'm at my wits end with one of the kids, hub steps in and settles the situation in a totally new way.  I see things one way, he sees things another.  

To me, a doctor HAS to fix the owies, a teacher HAS to teach, a daycare provider HAS to "sit" for the kids, a bus driver HAS to transport the kids.  A step parent doesn't HAVE to do anything, but they do.  Anything...and I mean anything a step parent does for a child is out of nothing more than pure love.  What's wrong with that????

I think step parents are right up there in the "needed" department.