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Daughter Chose to Live @ X's

Started by Totally Frustrated, Oct 14, 2005, 03:06:30 PM

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Totally Frustrated

The day after my daughter turned 14, she sent me an email saying she no longer wanted to see/spend time with me.  (Legally I have joint physical custody)  I knew this day was coming as her mother is not a disciplinarian, has no boundaries, acts more like a "buddy" than a mother, etc.  As expected, the X is trying to serve me with papers to get more money for child support.  

My questions are:

Just because my daughter made this decision when she turned 14, does that mean I lost my custody rights? Don't I have a say in this?

Is there a CA law that allows me to request usage receipts of the child support money the X gets? (X spends majority of it on herself, daughter always came back to me in rags).

Please help, thank you.


Sometime kids need to be made to do thing. If you have a CO that says you get her on X then she needs to come.

Totally Frustrated

Thanks for responding! Yes, my CO says I get her every other weekend, split holidays, etc.  Thanks again.


Everyone thinks that 14 is the magic number that kids can decide who they want to live with (or not visit with).

Apparently this is the case in Georgia, I don't know about others.

A judge will listen to an older child's wishes, but it's still up to the judge in most states.

Until she is 18, your daughter doesn't get to make those decisions. Take mom to court for contempt if she stops coming.


My children tried that trick.  I think they were put up to it by their CP.  I rigorously enforced visitation going so far as to call the ploice when son didn't want to get into my vehicle at an exchange.  

Son is a Jr Fireman and his "blue lighing buddies" heard the call.  he was so embarrassed that he never refused a visit again!

I foound in my own case, that standing up for my right ot be with them on my court ordered time had the effect of giving me back my parental authority, in thier eyes.  All in all, it was good for our relationship.

Good luck to you.


A 14 yr. old doesn't have the right to do whatever they want.  The law is the law and unless she has a very good reason, I can't see a judge changing it.   Keep us posted on what happens.


You don't lose custody rights or nothing.  Nothing changes legally.

I too am on the side of forcing your daughter to keep with the schedule and you do this by going to court and asking the court to find Mom in contempt of the order.

However, that being said -- maybe one approach is to be a bit more flexible and when the daughter says "I can't come this weekend", get her to set a date for when she will come.  Keep the actual amount of time the same -- IF you can handle being flexible.

Also, I'm not from CA, but I believe that the CS Calculator for that state includes the amount of time each parent spends or has with the child in the formula.  Therefore, you'll pay more support if you have your child less......//www.supportguidelines.com I believe has a calculator.  (Just been a while since I looked at it).

I suggest you ask your "Child Support Accountability" question on Socrateaser's page on this site.  Maybe even search on the above words and maybe he already answered this question for someone else.  There aren't very many (If ANY) states that will make a CP account for how they spend their money on their child.

My son too comes in rags (actually only with the clothes on his back).  Maybe you could take her shopping and get her a few outfits and those stay there with you....and you send her back in what she came in.  Or you send her back in what she came in two weeks ago and rotate the clothes like that.....and you keep nice stuff there for her time with you.  Might actually be an enticement in a way to get her to want to come see you -- though I don't like any move that suggests "buying her love" either, but clothes are a basic necessity, right?  Careful balance.